30 June 2010

The Beast Within

Besides from the occasional bouts of I don't know what I slip into I also have the monthly demon I have to deal with.  For most of the month I am a normal functioning human being - well normal is a relative term - functioning human being, I am rational and my voice does not have an hysterical sounding edge to it when I speak.  But there comes a time of the month when the Beast comes out to play.  Sometimes I manage to keep the Beast locked in his box, sometimes I keep him in the box and he just snarls through the opening in the lid, sometimes the lid comes off completely and he comes out in all his glory.

I first noticed the arrival of the Beast a couple of days ago, when I managed to slightly over react and may have shouted at the Husband a little.  While the alleged incident was taking place the Husband said to me "you see!  PMS, that is the only reason you are shouting".  I said "I don't have PMS, I'm shouting because you are PISSSSINGGG ME OOOOOFFFFF, no other reason".  Ha in your eye!  When the alleged incident was over I did have a peek on my calendar and noticed that it may ever so slightly be PMS aka the Beast.

When I woke up this morning I decided that I would just have a quiet day.  Keep to myself and all that.  It's safer for everyone especially me.  Besides from being completely irrational when the Beast takes over, I also become over-sensitive to the extreme so I take absolutely everything extremely personally and become even more insecure.  So I either become mental or I cry hysterically.  So I shut the f*ck up, sit in the corner and try to avoid as much as possible.  Instead I went on an OCD research spree into ethical products and cosmetics, research is good for me OK, it helps me focus the Beast on something constructive.  Now the Husband, idiot that he is, intentionally provokes me.  Honestly who pokes a raging mad thing with a stick?  Seriously.  He said something along the lines of "How is testing on animals bad?" that made me get heart palpitations and want to stick him in the eye with a fork.  Seriously.  But he does it on purpose because he KNOWS it will make me cross. I don't understand why would you do that to someone? 

I wonder who I can petition to have a law passed that woman who suffer from PMS be allowed to stay at home for that week.  Seriously when I'm like this I should not be left out the house.  I get SO angry in traffic that I literally get heart palpitations, I am not even embellishing the truth slightly.  I have these vivid flights of fantasy where I calmly ram my car into the asshole who just cut infront of me.  Luckily for everyone else my car broke down for 15 minutes and focused my attention on it rather than the assholes who drive like assholes.

Then I got home to the Husband who has Bronchitis, oh my fuck spare me the frikkin drama.  This morning he was fine, and the people at work managed to convince him that he is deathly ill, went to the doctor and seriously doctors will tell you exactly what you want to hear.  So now we have Bronchitis.  Then he proceeded to complain about the dog who just peed along the entire length of the bedroom wall.  And then we had another screaming match.  Seriously, don't make your problems mine,  you wanted the dog, you deal with it.  I'm done.  Finished.  You know what to do.  Do it!  I do not want to hear about it.

It takes every inch of restraint I have to not loose it at work, to get through the day without poking someone in the eye with my pen or embedding a stapler in their skull or telling a client to "Have a lovely day and fuck the hell off", I smile and I try my hardest to disguise the edge in my voice.  So when I get home I just want to feel safe and nurtured, I don't want to be poked and prodded at and intentionally provoked.  I want love and maybe a hug and then I want to be left alone.  I really have no control over this.  I know I'm being irrational, but there is nothing I can do to stop it.  This time of the month is very hard on me emotionally and physically and there is nothing else to do but go through it.  Some months are better than others.  But I always at some point silently scream "what is wrong with me" and wonder if I should be on some kind of medication.

Anyway *sigh*

I read two amazingly interesting blog posts today by the fabulous Wenchy and The Reluctant Mom that hit me like a ton of bricks.  But I'm not ready to delve into that yet.  I think I need to think about it some more.  I just wanted to say that.  They both write so beautifully and use beautifully descriptive words and have well structured posts.  I have "fuck" and "asshole" and my thoughts jump a lot, not the most original words or pulitzer price winning writing but it brings the point across.  Who decided that "fuck" is a bad word anyways, it's way more expressive than "oh bother" ...

The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi

I remember as a little kid, spending hours in the veld, finding small animals and plants that I don't know and rushing to the library (no internet) to find books so that I could learn their names and what they do.  I remember my Dad showing me cool things and spending hours with us when vacationing at the coast in the rock pools showing us the  anemones and other cool sea creatures.

I remember being absolutely awed, fascinated and excited learning about the eco-system - the circle of life - I was absolutely delighted.  And looking back, even at that early age, as a wide eyed eager young girl I understood on some deep level that we are all connected.  I grew up next to the Vaal River, with plenty of wide open spaces to explore and nature has always been my sanctuary, whenever life got to much for me I took a walk through the veld or sat next to the river and recharged. 

The abuse of the Earth is something that has always distressed me deeply from a very young age, I have never found someone that understood that.  I cry real sad tears, it hurts me on a very deep level.  I get angry, I get sad, I feel exasperated.  I don't understand how people do not care, how people can be so indifferent about the Earth and her creatures and their fellow humans.  Maybe this is where my "I have to save the world" complex began, trying to save everyone and fix everything.  I know that I can't save the world or even one single human as everyone has their own path to walk so I have learned that the best I can do with humans is to just be there for them in whatever way I can when they do cross my path.  But this post is about the Earth - and we can do something about that.

Recently there was a huge oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  Hundreds of animals are dead the coastline is destroyed, the waters contaminated.  A lot of focus has been placed on this particular spill, but thanks to my very informed friend "L" I have learned that oil spills to that magnitude is common in country's like Nigeria, Ghana and along the Ivory Coast,where there are no laws that regulate it or that forces the oil giants to clean up their mess, and it's not only BP

It makes me feel panicky inside, it really does, I feel sad and angry.  There are very enlightened much wiser people who are all light years ahead of me in what they do for the Earth and creating awareness about environmental issues than me telling me that I shouldn't worry, I mustn't be angry or sad.  Everything will be ok.  But I can't just be indifferent.  I am really struggling to get to grips with not showing any emotion about the abuse in all forms of the Earth.  Don't get me wrong I'm far from perfect.  But in my small way I always try to do my bit, I recycle, I switch off, create awareness of issues and causes, don't eat meat etc.  But I can't just stand by emotionless and indifferent and say to myself everything will be ok.

I can't/won't have no emotion about our oceans being polluted with oil, about toxic waste being buried in the deserts and pumped into rivers and the ocean, about humans tunneling through the earth hollowing her out on the inside, rain forests being destroyed 100 year old trees being chopped down, the massive scale of abuse of animals for human consumption, the genetic modification to mass produce vegetables and fruit for the massive demand of human appetites, soil being depleted of all minerals, poisons that are used for pest control that wipe out all kinds of other creatures, we pump all kinds of gasses into the air.  We are destroying the earth.  Don't know if anyone noticed but it's the only one we have.......

I don't know why it affects  me on such a deep level but it does.  How long can this way of life carry on?  At some point there has to be a collapse of this system based on greed and lining someone's pockets with billions of dollars.  I don't know when that will happen, there are many prophecies about such a time.  I don't know what will happen, but I do know that at some point balance will have to be restored.  At some point a change will be forced upon the human race.  In the meantime we can all do our bit in our small way to minimise the effect we as individuals have on the earth, take care of her.

Be the change you want to see in the world - Mahatma Gandhi

“The world is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look at it without doing anything” ~ Albert Einstein

29 June 2010

A tired post

Today I woke up tired and I still look like someone punched me in the eye (I have these black/blue circles under my eyes - not ayoba!).  The Husband has this annoyingly irritating cough - you know the ones doctors call "unproductive".  It certainly produces a lot of irritation for something that is unproductive.....Anyways the cough woke me up sometime in the early hours of the morning, I have no idea what time it was.  I don't look at my watch when I wake up at night, but there was 1 lonely bird chirping and the old lady next door who hates me because I won't cut down my trees, apparently has a sleeping problem also because she was smoking on the stoep just on the other side of the wall right next to my bedroom and I could smell the cigarette smoke *vomit*, seriously, also not ayoba (yes I'm one of THOSE ex smokers).

So instead of killing the 1 lonely chirping bird and shouting at the old lady next door who hates me because I won't cut down my trees, I put the pillow over my head and turned around, listened to my breathing and fell back to sleep......only to be woken by my very own "unproductive" cough.  Seriously *sigh*  When the alarm clock eventually went off, I already thought of a list of excuses why I had to stay at home.  But alas I dragged my ass, my blue circles and my unproductive cough out of bed and got dressed.  So dilligent.

Now if only I could be that dedicated to other things in life.  I have loads of awesome ideas and I am very good at putting them into action.  But as soon as everything works and is in place, I loose interest and move on to the next thing.  It was one of the reasons I was in two minds starting this blog, I know myself, I start off with gusto and then slowly my interest fizzles out...so far so good right.  I actually do find it therapeutic, getting things out of my head.

It's a really grey, miserable day today.

So instead of focusing on the grey and the miserable, I will focus on things that make me happy.  Like it's only 3 sleeps till the kids come home, they will be back on Friday.  It's little Boo's 1 month day, she is a whole month old.  Little Boo is my BFF's brand new baby, she is adorable!  I'm meeting my other friend for coffee after work, she recently found out she is pregnant, so cool!  The tooth whitening tooth paste we bought really works LOL!  Ok now it sounds like I'm reaching a bit hey, so before I start babbling nonsense ciao for now xxx

28 June 2010

Eeni Meeni Miny Mo

Is it only me?  Whenever I have to decide between two things and I really can't decide and am not partial to the one or the other, I go:

"Eeny meeny miny mo, catch a monkey by it's toe, if you catch him let him go, eeny meeny miny mo"

And where I stop that is the one I choose.  It only works if you have to choose between two things though ... but hey it works.  And it doesn't help you cheat and go with the thing you didn't stop on. 

Today chip roll won over veg curry and rice.  Yum.  I'm going to get a huge ass from all the chip rolls I've been eating lately.....

Things I have NEVER done/experienced

I've been thinking lots about my list of never dones recently so I thought I'd make a list and then cross the things off as I do/experience them and I will ad to it as I think of more:

  1. I have NEVER been to Gold Reef City or the Apartheid museum
  2. I haven't visited Soweto yet and ate in a real shebeen
  3. I have never bungee jumped
  4. I have never had a surprise party
  5. I have never been out of Africa
  6. I have never studied (it's my dream to study psychology and holistic healing)
  7. I have never scuba dived/dived
  8. I have only been to Cape Town once in my life for a couple of hours, so I would love to go again
  9. I have never owned a car that was registered in my name
  10. I have never been 33
  11. I have never had a Cinnabon
  12. I have never had high tea at the Westcliff
  13. I have never stayed in a log cabin with it's own fireplace and a jacuzzi
  14. I have never done a group meditation
  15. I have never been to a spa
  16. I have never had a mani/pedi
  17. I have never had a facial
  18. I have never learned to speak Spanish/Japanese
......to be continued

How do I love thee

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth
and breadth, and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight.
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace. 
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion
put to use In my old griefs,
and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,
I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears,
of all my life!
and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

*sigh* I love that poem by Elizabeth Barret Browning.  It always conjures the most romantic images of Knights in Shining Armour rescuing damsels in distress.  I picture a couple who against all odds survive all life's challenges together and speak to each other with tenderness and love, who respect each other and pine for each other when seperated.  Old and wrinkled still hold hands and smile lovingly at each other.


Yes well we all know that real life doesn't work that way right.  Love comes in many shapes, forms and sizes.  Boys can love boys, girls can love girls, or boys and girls can love girls and boys.  We love people who are no good for us, we love friends, family, people we have never met, our children, our pets, causes we believe in.  We love food, alcohol, sometimes drugs, we love things, places and often drama.  Sometimes we shut ourselves down emotionally and we forgot to love or feel loved.

Is love a concept that we use too loosely?  What defines love and do you believe in the kind of love like in the poem?  I believe that we can love lots of things and people at the same time in very different ways.  I believe that sometimes we can un-love someone and then learn to love them again.  I used to be very black and white on the topic, if I "stopped" loving you, I walked away, never to return or look back.  But I have learned that ultimately we can't stop loving someone, in any way,ever.    And that we need to remember to love ourselves, we can't feel loved or give love if we don't start with us, if you don't love yourself. 

Most of all I believe that love isn't complicated at all.  It just is.

27 June 2010

The Adventures of Temporarily Kidless Moonchild aka Wollie

It's great being kidless - now before you lift your eyebrows and scoff at me and murmur about what a horrible parent I am, let me just make it clear that I have had many small cries over missing my kids this week.  I miss them something cronic.  BUT it is really nice to be able to do things just the two of us, adult things.

We met Laura and her other half at a very yuppy'ish cocktail lounge yesterday for drinks it was DEVINE!!!   There was couple there with their 2 year old.  The poor child was screaming her head off most of the time and was continually put in her pram or the trolley.  I would also have screamed my head off if I wasn't allowed to do anything.  None of us could understand why the parents don't just give up and go home, I felt really sorry for the poor kid shame man. 

After drinks we met my brother in law and his girlfriend for drinks and to watch the Ghana vs USA game!  We almost got into a real life bar brawl.  The evening was epic!!!!  There were these people there that supported USA, you know there always has to be 1, those kinds of people who refuse to see the positive about South Africa/Africa refuses to support their own country/continent and refuses to see any of the positive things happening and who is always moaning about everything and who are definitely looking into moving to Australia.  Those (we shall call them the schmucks).  Anyways we all had a great time, I had 9 Gin and dry lemons a few drinks and chatted to this guy who is moving to Australia because he is marrying an Aussie girl, they decided to live there.  And I learned that sometimes we give up a lot in the name of love, sometimes maybe too much.

In the epic extra extra time when Ghana was 2 - 1 ahead, the whole bar was on their feet cheering Ghana on.  One of the Ghaneyans (?) fell down, so one of the Schmucks shouted "send him off ref he has AIDS".  What a doos, anyways my brother in law lost it with the guy and lunged over the tables and grabbed him and shouted at him about being a racist ass etc etc.  It took a lot of nice talk to calm him down and the Schmuck was thankfully quiet after that - ass.

Today I got to sleep in, it was lovely!  We got ready and went out shopping and then went to join all the blogger ladies for the Ladies on Lunch event.  I had a small visit with my BFF and got to give her her long overdue birthday pressie (I miss her too much she lives too far away!), cuddle her most cute and most tiny little newborn and got to meet the fabulous Wenchy.  I had an awesome sushi lunch and bought some lovely balt salts from Tranquil Body Treats.  I just had a lovely soak in their Lavender bath salt and can highly recommend it, it's LOVELY!!!. 

ALSO in between all of that made some gorgeous tiny Angel/Fairy handbad/keyring bling, I didn't take pics, I know, very silly!  But they are gorgeous and I gave them all away :)  I love giving things to people!  Now I am off to schmooze my hubby into making me a cheese and tomato toasted sandwhich.  Toodles xxx

26 June 2010

It's Saturday

How is that for stating the obvious?  Today I didn't get woken with "Mommy, Mommy I want juice" or little arms around my neck or "Mommy can I play my game" or "Mommy I want to watch Cbeebee's".  Today I got to sleep as late as I wanted and for the rest of the day I get to do what I want.

I miss them.  Lets not lie to ourselves here, I want them to come home.  As nice as it is to be temporarily kidless I miss them.

So lets put that in the pink polka dot box at the back of my mind for now and concentrate on the day ahead!  I will be going to the bead shop for some supplies yay!  I can't wait!  I have an order to make a necklace and bracelet set and I have a couple of ideas I want to try out.  Then we are going to meet the most awesome Laura and her other half for drinks who are having their one year anniversary today! 

I have doodled a few ideas for my new tattoo, now to find the right person to actually ink me.  I can't get hold of the guy who did my tattoo on my back.  Another guy that was recommended to me and who does the most awesome work got very cross with me when I said I didn't like the design he did for me and wasn't keen on getting it etched into my skin permanently,  he also wasn't willing to work with me to design something that I actually liked, so that didn't work out unfortunately I was very keen on getting some ink done by him.  I have someone else in mind so I hope it works out with her.  I really NEED to get another tattoo and quick!

Have a smashing day lovelies ♥

25 June 2010

The only way out is through

My husband and I had a great heart to heart last night.  Really it was all kinds of awesome.  We are learning to communicate better.  Especially me as I tend to internalise everything and brood.  It's so easy when things are not going so well to fantasize of an easy way out, greener pastures and a life that doesn't include the issues you are experiencing.  It is even easier to get caught up in the fantasy and become resentful of the life you have, and desire a fictual life you created in your head.

The reality is that the only way to overcome difficult circumstances is to go through it.  You can't learn the same things about yourself outside a relationship that you can in a relationship.  And if the going gets tough and you get going you will just take those same issues with you to the next relationship.  So I'm glad that I am sticking around, my husband really is proving to be my biggest teacher (even if I do want to strangle him sometimes!). 

When I get hurt as we do in life my natural reflex is to retreat and to shut down emotionally.  I am slowly putting my feelers out and coming out my shell.  One can't LIVE if you don't FEEL.  And it is unrealistic to think I will never be hurt again but I can learn to stand strong, I can learn to be hurt, work through it and continue with living life.  I can learn not to shut myself down emotionally to such an extent that I don't feel and subsequently believe that no-one feels for me.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?  Your playing small does not serve the world." ~ Marianne Williamson
 The best thing I can do for me is to shine my light as brightly as possible.  I wish the same for you ♥

24 June 2010

Bits of this and bobs of that

1.  I had THE funnest night last night at the soccer game.  Soccer City is amazing at night!  And the vibe is totally different from in the day for some reason.  We wore lots of clothes drank lots of Buds (Budweiser the official Beer of the Fifa World Cup 2010) and weren't cold AT ALL.

The one thing that I did love the most was all the random conversations we had with random people in the crowd, it was WAY cool.  I'm going to miss it when the World Cup is over.  And how weird/cool is this?  We sat next to the same couple that we sat next to at the Netherlands game.  Cool hey! We got home really really late but it's all good, I'm on a high!

2.  You know.  It's great to have a husband that adores me and thinks I'm the hottest thing on the planet, but sometimes I just want to be able to brush my teeth without being groped...

3.  Yesterday one of my friends on Facebook asked "What song always makes you happy" I still don't have one single song that I can think of.  I LOVE music.  Like really.  And I love all kinds of music, I don't restrict myself to genre.  If I hear it and I like it then I like it regardless of artist/genre.  Unknown fact:  I wrote and recorded a song that was played on 5FM many moons ago :)  I have always wanted to be a singer.

I go through phases in what I listen to - 2 weeks ago I was hooked (again) on Blink 182.  Their self Titled album "Blink 182" is my all time favourite I LOVE all the songs on there.  This week however I am going back in time and am listening to James one of my all time favourite bands, I had the privilege of seeing them live and man they are awesome!!!  I'm going to share the song that has captured me this week, it's called "Waltzing Along" and is from their album "Laid" I think

Help comes when you need it most
I'm cured by laughter
Mood swings
Not sure I can cope
My life's in plaster

May your mind set you free (a feeling by the wonderful)
May your heart lead you on
May your mind let you see through all disasters
May your heart lead you on

These wounds are all self imposed
Life's no disaster
All roads lead on to death row
Who knows what's after

May your mind be wide open
May your heart beat strong
Maybe your minds will be broken
By this heartfelt song
May your mind set you free (a feeling by the wonderful)
May your heart lead you on
May your mind let you be
May your heart lead you on
May your eyes let you see through all disasters
May your heart lead you on
May your mind be wide open
May your heart lead you on

lead you on
set you free
Awesome!!!  Let me know what your happy songs are in the comments ok?!

4.  I really can't wait for Laura to make a blog post/s as per my suggestions (no pressure Laura :P)

5. I miss my kids, but am having a ball

23 June 2010

Love & Marriage

I realized today how much I missed out on marriage.  With the kids being away (ok it's only been 1 day but still) I miss them like crazy but it was also nice to not have to do anything, no rushing around to stick to routines and my husband and I could just sit and chat and do whatever.

We met, fell madly in love and 6 months later we were married and pregnant.  More marriage advice to follow:

Don't EVER do that.  It's stupid, I don't care how in love you think you are.  Don't do that.  Got it?  Great!

As much as I love my kids I wish we had more time before we had kids.  Anyone who has had babies knows what a strain it puts on a relationship.  We had no time to just be a couple before being parents.  I'm sure you will agree there is a huge difference in the dynamics of those 2 roles.  I have wanted to get divorced so many times (but couldn't on account of my vow - see "About") our relationship is hard and I think if we had more time before kids we could've worked it out better. 

But as with everything in life.  There is a reason for everything.  Maybe we needed tough circumstances to work things out between us, I've never done "easy".  I hope this 10 day break without our kids, will bring us closer, talk more, fight less and bring things on track finally.  Or maybe I'm just setting myself up for disappointment and things will be back to normal when the kids are back haha!  Now you see how cynical I can get.  Back to positive thinking and all that.  I just got this email - my quote for the day:

"Isn't it ironic?  We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones who ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones who love us ~ Stewie Stewart"

Ja nĂȘ - there you have it!  Amazing how the Universe brings insights at the right time, literally...

In other news:  I'm so excited!  We are going to watch our last game of the world cup in the flesh.  Germany vs Ghana at Soccer City at night brrrr.  If you don't hear anything from me tomorrow come with an ice pick to Soccer City to pry frozen me from my seat. 

I also got an order to make some pretties for someone AND to do a reading for someone - if you didn't know check out my website Amla Sami to see the awesome jewellery I make and if you need some guidance I also do card readings.

That is all for now (I miss my kids)


Today I will be making 2 blog posts.  I think Bafana deserves 1 all for themself!

So THIS is what it feels like to be a sport supporter?!  The ecstacy the agony, the highs the lows the absolute elation.  It's a bit addictive me thinks.  You know they do say we get addicted to adrenaline...

I must admit I'm not a huge sport watcher.  I never really played sports at school either I was the drama/choir kid.  Being married to a walking talking sports encyclopedia got me watching some sports and with this Soccer World Cup 2010 I am completely swept up in the vibe.  Firstly for me it was about how awesome it was to see how it unified everyone (ok there is that 5% that thought the world was going to come to an end but pooey to them).  It makes my heart incredibly happy to see how people of all races just stood together with this whole thing.  The shirts and the flags and the vuvuzela's and the singing, it's a LOT of awesome.

And then I actually started watching the soccer.  It's not bad.  I think I might start supporting Supersport United :P  I started learning about how the game worked and actually watched when the games were played and my husband is still trying to explain the offside rule to me, doesn't make sense.  But back to the point.

Bafana Bafana.

Oh my gosh, considering our guys are ranked 83rd in the world and played against much higher ranked teams than them (lets not forget that!) they played their hearts out.  We won't go into the Uruguy game where Alice Band and Princess Twinkle Toes (Suarez) and the referee made a whole nation hate them.  These guys put in their all.  Culimating in the most awesome 2 - 1 win against France last night.  OH. MY. GOSH!  That game was awesome, I think I hurt my throat from screeching too much.  A bittersweet moment.  We didn't go through to the 2nd round but it's ok. 

Well done boys!  You did more than just play soccer.  You helped unite a nation.

22 June 2010

The Adventures of Wollie in Woodmead

As my husband was removing all the DOG HAIR from my coat with the lint roller this morning that is what he said.  "There, off you go for the Adventures of Wollie in Woodmead" (for the English folk "Wollie" means about the same as "Fuzzball".) (and I work in Woodmead).  It was rather funny.  Since we got a dog I'm perpetually covered in dog hair, in fact it looks like rolled around in it. Not so sexy.

So the kids went off on their great adventure this morning, it's the quickest they got out of bed the whole winter.  Shame they were/are so excited.  Lila shed a few tears saying goodbye surprisingly but it was over quickly.  After they left I also shed a few tears.  But I am fine now.  I have asked every entity I could think off to protect them and keep them safe and I have put protective bubbles around them both.  So they will be fine.  I'm also surprisingly finer than I thought.

Last night the kids asked me to bath with them.  While I was rinsing my hair, Lila lunges for my boob and latches on to it for a second.

Me:  Eeeeuuuuuwwwwww don't do that leave my boobies alone
Lila:  *giggles* I want some boobie
Me:  Nooooo that is gross *giggle* you are almost 7 man sis!!
Lila:  I love boobie, I want some boobie milk
Me:  No don't touch my boobies they are my boobies and you may not touch them without permission

By now both kids are giggling their asses off and I'm blocking my wickets.  I swear if I didn't wean that child when I did she would happily still be breastfeeding.  Little weirdo ♥

Today is also SUPPORT BAFANA DAY!  Our team is playing their last game against France, I hope we kick Froggie ass!  The French team is in complete turmoil and they are striking so hopefully they will continue playing as crap or crapper as they did.  Not that they need to be crap for our team to kick their ass but it helps that they aren't on top form know what I mean?  Anyway don't be douche bag support Bafana Bafana they are our team and they need our support ok?!

Another awesome thing that is happening today is that it's domestic worker day!  Yay!  Clean sparkly house when I get home.  Domestic worker day leaves me happy and irritated at the same time.  She actually annoys the crap out of me, she puts the iron too hot, she works as slow as a snail (when we get home she is still there wtf does she DO all day?! our house is NOT big), she consumes insanely large quantities of sugar and coffee and she doesn't talk to us or greet us when she leaves.  A bit odd.  But it's fine because I don't wanna do what she does, I'm lazy ok.  There are more important things in life than to scrub and clean every 5 seconds.  So I'll happily pay someone to do it and vent my irritation to my husband or you.

Anyhoo that is all for now (aka there was something else I wanted to blog about but I can't remember what) - The Adventures of Wollie in Woodmead continues...

21 June 2010

Freedom and possibly frozen poen

I got such a cool note from the Universe today!!  It said:

The one thing about "bad days" have over "good days", is that they're completely optional. Every day is a "whooooohoooooo day. The other thing "bad days" have over "good days", is that they usually make you think things you've never thought before. Which is probably why people choose them
This was important for me to remember today.  I am having an anxiety attack of note.  My precious little darlings are going with my mother in law to the coast for 10 days tomorrow.  10 days!  Was I on drugs to have agreed to this?  Maybe I was drunk, temporarily insane.  I want to say "fuck" a lot today.  I am having a rather large panic attack.  Logically I know they will be fine, I will be fine, everyone will be just ok.  They are going to have a ball.  My husband and I will have some awesome (much needed) bonding time.

But I am going to miss warm little bodies snuggling up to me in the early morning hours, little arms around my neck.  A million questions about everything.  "Mamma Love you too".  I am going to miss their smell, their giggles and silly jokes, toys all over the house, squabbling over who gets to sit where.  I am going to miss having them around man!

It's only 10 days - get a grip!  Sheesh!

My husband is VERY excited. He can't stop talking about all the awesome sex we will have.  He wants to do it everywhere and loudly.  I'm thinking "DUDE have you felt how cold it is?"  I'm all for re-living our pre-kid days but not in -2 °C and freeze my poen off, howu!  Under the duck down duvet please!  Besides the sex, we have made all kinds of plans to have drinks after work (imagine that!), and have a lunch date for the weekend.  The thought is somehow alien to me.  Have you even noticed that when you don't have your kids with you how you feel like you've lost or forgotten something?  I hope the feeling lessens sometime over the next 10 days. 

Watch this space for "The Adventures of temporarily kidless Moonchild and her husband" ... It's going to be WHOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

20 June 2010

10 Reasons why NOT to get a Labrador

When we bought a house, I was very excited.  One of the things that excited me most was that I would finally have my very own garden which I can potter around in.  When we bought the house my darling husband insisted that we get a dog.  I said NO.  I'm more of a cat person.  Who will pick up the poop?  I asked.  Who will walk it, train it and give it the attention it needs?  I asked.  My husband is a journalist, he has the gift of the gab, he can spin a web of wonderful words that you will end up thinking the thing you didn't want is the only thing you wanted all your life.

I still said NO.  He roped in the help of the kids.  Who made puppy dog faces and large promises of how they will feed it, love it, take it for walks everyday, pick up the poop and train it.  We got a dog.  A Labrador named Sparky.  The bane of my existance.

This is our garden when we just moved in.

Nice hey?  Well this is reason number 1 why NOT to get a Labrador.  It's the only reason I have but it counts as 10, if you still decide to get one after this, you're on your own.

A year later this is what the garden looks like

The dog single handedly destroyed every plant in the garden including the lawn.  My heart is broken, destroyed.  He literally pulls the plants out by the roots and eats them.  And don't get me started on the promises that were made about walking it, taking it for doggy training or picking up the poop.  Needless to say I don't go out into the back yard anymore because the sight of the garden brings me to tears.  I only go out there on weekends when I have to hang the washing.  Talking about it to my dear husband only ends up in an argument.  Last week he promised to take the dog for training after a bout of wailing and a rather large tantrum from me. 

I might just have to break my vow to never get divorced.  If you ever wondered why I don't invite you for a braai, just look at picture number 2.

About Me

As we all know - people change and in my opinion it would indeed be a sad state of affairs if I am the same person today than I was a year ago as that would mean I haven't learned anything.  For me, the whole purpose of life is to learn and grow.  This is my updated "about me"

26 April 2010:
I am a Cancer. Not the disease, the Zodiac sign. Cancerian. The Mother of the Zodiac, a moonchild.  According to astrology Cancerians are highly intuitive, sensitive, emotional and moody but also caring, nurturing and very protective over the ones they love, will stick by you no matter what and is fiercely loyal.  I am also kind and caring, sometimes wise and sometimes funny.  I am also non-judgmental (most of the time).  

I used to be married, my marriage was hard but Iearned a lot from it and the lessons which I see as gifts is something that I will always take with me.  I also learned that it's not so clever to make vows like "I will never get divorced"!

My focus at the moment is to re-discover me, the things that make me me, the things I love doing and working on breaking bad habits and behaviours.  I refuse to give up on love and happy ever after.  But at the moment it's all about me.  Going out in the world and living life, meeting new people and just having fun!!

Besides myself, my focus is also my amazing kids.  I am awed by the awesome little creatures they are, they are coping so well with everything!  It's an ongoing process but together we are learning to navigate the road ahead, there is a few hiccups and bumps but that's life I suppose!

I don't dish out relationship advise anymore.  I do maintain however that if you absolutely have to get married, don't get hung up on the party, the dress, the cake, the venue and all that crap that is only going to cost you a small fortune. Get married in court and have a big bash for all your friends, preferably a bring and braai. Focus on the marriage, not the wedding.

I have finally found a job that I really like and that I'm good at!  Yay me!  So I'm going with the flow and seeing where it will take me.  I am still committed to alternative healing and all that "weird" stuff. I believe in crystals, the power of positive thinking and energetic healing. I also believe in re-incarnation, fairies, Angels, Unicorns and chocolate. I have big dreams and I can work towards them!!  I have a day job but my job doesn't define me.  It took me a long time to realize that if I live this lifestyle I don't have to be some kind of zen master, yogi that exudes peace, love , fuzzy bunnies and rainbows.  I can just be human and say words like fuck and shit and get angry and NOT feel peace, love, fuzzy bunnies and rainbows sometimes.  Meditate often, it's important, I learned this again going through the divorce.

I am vegetarian.  People find that weird.  I think it's weird to eat or wear a murdered animal. But if you don't judge me, I won't judge you.  Promise.

I am passionate about my country - I love South Africa!

I am Afrikaans.

I sing in the car, loudly, and my car looks like a pigsty.  I love music and a song I wrote and sang was played on 5FM back in the day LOL!!  My Mom always used to say that if I knew my school work as well as I did the lyrics of songs I would've been a straight A student.  I don't know what it is, I just remember the words of songs, even ones I don't like.  

I don't like Cinnamon. I love chocolate.

I read, a lot. I could read before I went to school, books were my escape from reality. I was banned from the school library.

I can't remember my childhood from about age 5 to age 16/17. The times that I can't remember from age 15 and up could be because of the copious amounts of alcohol and recreational drugs (kids don't do drugs!!!) I consumed or just a defence mechanism. Either way, I was a bit of a wild child.

I love tattoos and I plan to get lots more.

I recently discovered that I love pink. My least favourite colour is blue, which is ironic since blue is related to the throat chakra which is all about communication. 

I love getting flowers.

I am an undercover and hopeless romantic <3 

I love being out in nature and I love exercise, although I haven't been to gym in a while because of circumstances beyond my control.  I miss pilates!!  Hope to get back soon.

I pole dance - not the sleezy Teazers kind (although I certainly can do that kind too LOL) - I really love pole dance, you need a lot of strength for it, it tones and it can be very very sexy!  It makes me feel all goddess'ey!  Strong, powerful, woman.

Ok I need to get up and do some laundry, I may or may not update more about me :)

20 June 2010:
I am a Cancer. Not the disease, the Zodiac sign. Cancerian. The Mother of the Zodiac, a moonchild. I am over-sensitive, highly emotional, insecure and am hurt easily. When I'm upset I retreat for days/weeks/months into my shell and I only emerge when I feel better. I am a creature of extremes and I can easily be euphoric and deeply depressed in the space of 24 hours. It's exhausting, sometimes I annoy myself. I also have constant inner conflict, I blame my parents, they are total opposites those opposite genes manifested within me.  I am also kind and caring, sometimes wise and sometimes funny.  I am also non-judgmental (most of the time).

I am married. I find marriage hard, unnatural a bit of a warzone. We fight A LOT but we also laugh A LOT. Our relationship is complex and difficult to explain.  We love each other and we hate each other, although my husband insists that he only ever loves me.  He says I'm gorgeous and amazing, I think I have too many wobbly bits and a bit crazy and that he is blind.  In hindsight I'm probably one of those people that never should've gotten married, I thought I did but maybe it wasn't wise to contain my free spirit in the union of marriage. I have vowed to never get divorced. 

My marriage advice would be not to get married at all, stay single and get a FB (fuckbuddy). Long term relationships that end up in co-habitation are also like marriage and if you ever break up it's like a divorce, so stay single. But if you absolutely have to get married, don't get hung up on the party, the dress, the cake, the venue and all that crap that is only going to cost you a small fortune. Get married in court and have a big bash for all your friends, preferaly a bring and braai. Focus on the marriage, not the wedding.

I have 2 spawn. Whom I birthed at home, in a tub of water with no drugs. I am very proud of that. It was awesome. I feel very passionate about the topic of birthing, I won't get into it here. My kids are amazing little creatures, Lila the eldest is a sensitive, imaginative, highly intuitive child she is adorable and cries A LOT. Christian my baby although he insists that he is a boy, not a baby, is a cuddly, lovable, very cute child and EXTREMELY challenging, he screams, A LOT. I love them both more than I love myself. I love being a Mom.

I am committed to alternative healing and all that "weird" stuff. I believe in crystals, the power of positive thinking and energetic healing. I also believe in re-incarnation, fairies, Angels, Unicorns and chocolate. I have had this vision since PM (pre-marriage) of this place I want to open, but my husband won't allow me to isn't the risk taking type so I don't know if that will happen in this life time. I have a day job but my job doesn't define me.  It took me a long time to realize that if I live this lifestyle I don't have to be some kind of zen master, yogi that exudes peace, love , fuzzy bunnies and rainbows.  I can just be human and say words like fuck and shit and get angry and NOT feel peace, love, fuzzy bunnies and rainbows sometimes.

I don't think I'm a very good friend, I'm not the kind of friend I was PM. I have friends whom I love dearly and would do almost anything for. But I find it hard to make new friends. Most of the people I know I have met on the internet. I think I'm a bit scary to people who don't know me.

I am vegetarian.  People find that weird.  I think it's weird to eat a murdered animal. But if you don't judge me, I won't judge you.  Promise.

I am passionate about my country - I love South Africa!

I am Afrikaans.

I sing in the car, loudly, and my car looks like a pigsty.

I don't like Cinnamon. I love chocolate.

I read, a lot. I could read before I went to school, books were my escape from reality. I was banned from the school library.

I can't remember my childhood from about age 5 to age 16/17. The times that I can't remember from age 15 and up could be because of the copious amounts of alcohol and recreational drugs (kids don't do drugs!!!) I consumed. I was a bit of a wild child.

I love tattoos and I plan to get lots more.

I recently discovered that I love pink. My least favourite colour is blue, which is ironic since blue is related to the throat chakra which is all about communication. 

I love getting flowers.

So now you know a little bit about me. But watch this space it's not all :)