26 August 2010

Songs in my head

I just love music, it's a release, an expression of my feelings, an escape.  I always see if I can hear all the different instruments and how the music is put together when I listen to a song and I actually do listen to the lyrics.  My Mom always said that if I knew my school work as well as I knew the lyrics of songs I would've been a straight A student lol. I am always surprised when I discuss music with people and they either don't listen to the lyrics, or don't pay attention to the musical arrangement, it's all so beautiful to me and I am often a teeny bit resentful that I didn't learn to play an instrument or something when I was younger.  I know I can still learn but nou ja there are other more important things on the agenda that needs payment before my wants :P

Currently this song moves me it's Coldplay's "Fix You" the beautiful lyrics and the music makes this song powerful, sad, melancholy and uplifting all at the same time.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

The other one is Placebo's "For what it's worth" - oh my goodness what a powerful song!  I love Placebo's passive aggressive lyrics lol, that kind of through clenched teeth kind of anger.  If you listen to this song, promise you will listen to it as loud as the volume will go!!  It's the only way!

The end of the century
I said my goodbyes
For what its worth

I always aimed to please
But I nearly died
For what its worth

Come on lay with me
Cause I'm on fire
For what its worth

I tear the sun in three
To light up your eyes

For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth

Broke up the family
Everybody cried
For what its worth

I have a slow disease
That sucked me dry
For what its worth

Come on walk with me
Into the rising tide
For what its worth
Filled a cavity - Your god shaped hole tonight

For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth

No one cares when you're out on the street
Picking up the pieces to make ends meet
No one cares when you're down in the gutter
Got no friends got no lover

No one cares when you're out on the street
Picking up the pieces to make ends meet
No one cares when you're down in the gutter
Got no friends got no lover

For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover

Got no friends got no lover

25 August 2010

The Therapist

We took Christian to the play therapist on Monday.  I wasn't that impressed.  Instead of being focussed on Christian's issue, it turned out to be a kind of couples counselling session with not so good results.  To me it felt like it turned into a bit of a name calling and climbing into each other's character session between me and the husband and as he put it "laying his cards on the table" session, which I was totally unprepared for and was very hurtful. 

I thought the therapist's behaviour was very unprofessional, saying that she thought I was "odd", I honestly can't remember what she said about/to the Husband if anything at all, the whole sordid thing has started to erase itself from my memory on account of being too traumatic.  She ended the session saying to us "i can say a lot about the two of you, but I'd rather just keep quiet for now".

Now I don't want to tell anyone how to do their job, BUT, in my humble opinion a therapist facilitates constructive conversation and does not chip in with her own (negative) opinions about the people sitting in front of them.  A therapist when things get out of hand will call a time out or guide the session back to the intended purpose, it's not up to the "therapee" to keep on saying "ok this session isn't about us".  At one point she said to me that I kept on interrupting her and made a face at my husband and said to him "do ever get to finish a sentence" she then proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the session and addressed only my husband. 

The whole thing made me take a good long hard look at myself, I didn't think that I was interruptive and a few people told me that they also don't experience me as interruptive.  It is something that I will make note of in future however.  I also re-discovered that no two people perceive the same thing in the same way.  I was really upset after the session about some of the things my husband said.  But in the end it's his perception and it's not my thruth.  I'm not really sure what to do with it yet, but I am working on it.  I am still upset (aka "sulking") but hey we all deal with things differently. 

The only constructive thing related to Christian - you know the reason we made the appointment - was that she gave us an "off-loading" exercise to do with him.  The husband has to do it with him (she for some unknown reason thought that I favour Lila above Christian?! wtf?!) but I don't have a problem with them doing it, it will be good for the husband to also off load after a long day at work :P  The session entails them kicking, screaming, bashing things, whatever floats their boat at the time, only for 10 to 15 minutes.  This is supposed to help him (Christian not the Husband but may also be beneficial for him LOL) vent any pent up frustrations.  She also wanted us to every now and then when he does something that we ask offer him a reward like a lollipop or car, which if she listened to me she would know it doesn't really work with him.  But anyways, we are trying. 

I am not sure if we will be going back there, although a follow up appointment was made for a time that isn't really convenient for me.  I am considering finding another therapist.  I really don't know if I want to go back to her.  As for the Husband and I, we have spoken a bit about the whole thing, he of course disagrees with me and says that he didn't experience the session the same way I did.  He did find her a bit over the top also and did say that after him and I spoke about the things he said (experience) about me that he realises that he 'may' be a little bit mistaken.  So ja, I dunno. 

20 August 2010

Chaos

I don't normally get into political debates and things.  But I have to just lay my egg about the public servants strike that is going on at the moment.

I don't for one second condone the violence that has errupted, we kept Lila at home today because we are concerned about safety at school.  Not that our school was targeted at all but you never know...

I found this quote this morning and didn't even connect it with the current situation until a while ago when it hit me the quote is from Deepak Chopra and he said:  "All great changes are preceded by chaos".

I've read the comments on social networking and news websites, I see how negatively everyone is reacting and rightfully so.  There are better ways to negotiate salary increases, it doesn't need to get violent.  I myself haven't had an increase in 3 years.  I know what it's like.  I don't think that people should be prevented from doing their jobs, and intimated or that patients and children should be threatened or harmed. 

Let the rest of us stand together though and don't allow these incidents to taint our view of our country, it's a select group of people who are carrying on like a bunch of hooligans.  Let us hold on to the thought that "All great changes are preceded by chaos" something good might just come of this.  Already our president said that he will not allow this kind of behaviour,  and threatens to fire the lot, our government strongly condemns the strike, the ANC Youth League - the most controversial and outspoken branch of the ANC, has offered to help out where they can.  These are all good things!  Lets focus on the good.  Don't loose hope, believe!

19 August 2010

So far so good

This week so far has been ok with regard to leaving Christian at school.  First week he was fine, 2nd week not so much, 3 week fine again, so we are making progress it seems.  I have been taking him to school this week which may or may not have helped.  I sms'd his teacher this morning to check in on him and she actually phoned me back to tell me that he was fine.  That is nice hey?  I have made an appointment with a play therapist for next week with him, I will update what she says.

Last night when I was tucking the kids in and saying goodnight, Lila pipes up and says:  "Mommy sometimes when I look at around at things, I just feel like eating it, I just want to bite it"  LOL.  I am not sure if I should be worried or not, she is an adorable little oddball and I love her so much.

Sometimes I worry about my kids, that the bad things I have done outweigh the good things and that I have damaged them somehow.  I can only hope the opposite is true and continue to try and do my best every day...

I, the "I only eat salad as a side dish, salad is not a meal" person am contemplating having salads for lunch.  I am getting a bit tired of take out and I can't stand having bread every day for lunch yuck man.  Salads make sense as I can buy stuff and keep it in the fridge here at work.  I can do a bit of cous-cous and ad other nice things to make it a bit more yummy and give it some substance.

Exercise routine is still going well, I am a little bit of much stiff today.  I also think I am moving into the red alert zone, beast time, yay me! 

My husband also started his own blog called Johann's World pop on over to have a look, like he says, if you don't have an opinion, he will give you one LOL.

18 August 2010

Fields of Flowers

If I had a basket, a blue gingham dress with a frilly white under dress to peek from underneath, I would find a field of yellow flowers and skip through it. That's how I feel today.  The image keeps popping up in my head LOL!!  I may even break into song "The Hills are ALIVE!

Apparently this is what I feel like the day after I have exercised.  I may have to do it more often.  I am even contemplating getting up at 5:00AM and go for a run before work.  Everyone who knows me pick yourselves off the floor.  I feel the hooks of obsession sinking into me.  I do have these episodes.  I start something, I become totally obsessed, I give it 150% and after a while I'm all obsessed out and I move on.

This particular time the obsession might not be a bad thing.  I have committed to 4 weeks of intense exercise.  I don't want to feel myself wobble when I walk to my desk.  I want to get trim and toned and firm.  So this time I embrace the obessive part of my nature, I say obsess away!

I am going to try to hold on to feeling chipper for as long as I can.  Although for some mysterious reason the Husband is annoying me.  He is also a bit obsessive but about work as opposed to exercise.  He is 10 times worse than I am when he gets obsessed about something, he doesn't hear anything, notice anything, see anything other than the thing his obsession is directed at.  Talking to him actually makes me want to ditch the field, the blue gingham dress and the yellow flowers and cruise straight to the nearest bar.  But that is a whole other blog post...

17 August 2010

What a morning

Oh my goodness I do not appreciate it when my day starts with a bang.  Not a nice bang, the kind that makes you want to take a sho't left on the way home from work and just keep going! 

The morning started with the usual Christian screaming from the moment he opened his eyes until just before we left the house.  And when I say screaming I mean screaming.  It upsets the entire household and then the Husband and I end up shouting also (very mature I know).  I took Christian to school because the husband "just can't handle it anymore" (drama queen) and he took the dog to the vet to get spayed.  Halleluyah please hold thumbs that it helps with his destructive behaviour, people seem to think that it will. 

I chatted a bit with Christian's teacher at school and she says apart from him being upset for a bit in the mornings he is doing really well.  So it seems he saves his "adjusting" behavior for home yay us.  I do understand that he is going through an adjustment phase with going to school and that it will take a while to calm down, but since starting school his behavior is 10 times worse than normal at home.  90% of the time he is a super cute, adorable, lovable little boy who says please and thank you and love you too Mommy.  Since school that has dropped to 70 - 80% he is a miserable little so and so.  He screams, smacks us, he doesn't sleep well at night and screams, in general just being obnoxious and impossible.  And once he starts screaming you can forget about getting through to him, it takes at least an hour for him to calm down.  He goes straight to screaming, there is no negotiating, offering alternatives nothing he just goes into melt down mode, finish and klaar.  And I really wish I could blame it all on him adjusting to something new.  I am thinking about doing a few sessions of play therapy with him, see what a professional says...

Anyway.

After dropping Christian, I thought I was clever and took a different route to work which I thought would go quicker, which was a massive fail, I ended up sitting in bumper to bumper traffic and it took me twice as long to get to work.  While sitting in said traffic, I remembered that I left my hair straightener on, which I didn't even end up using amidst all the chaos of the morning.  So having nowhere to turn around and sitting in still standing traffic I phoned the husband, so we ended up screaming at each other over the phone.  Fark man he was closer to home so it was easier for him to go back home and switch the goddamn thing off.  But now that everyone is calm it's ok.

On the bright side, I started my "get the wobble firm enough to appear in a bikini on the beach" exercise routine.  I found a fabulous exercise program called "Get a Bikini Body in 4 Weeks" which I am going to try.  It looks hardcore but it will be worth it in the end.   I will do it for 4 weeks 5 days a week and do yoga on Saturdays when I can.  After the 4 weeks I will evaluate and take it from there.

16 August 2010

45 Questions for people who live in the real world

OK so I stole this from Wenchy's blog - I dig these things so here is my answers

Here are 45 questions for people who live in the real world.    
  
1) What bill do you hate paying the most?
My Woolworths account

2) Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Hmmm we don't really do romantic dinners the last time we went out to dinner for our wedding anniversary I think to Karma in Greenside - my favourite restaurant, they have giant gins what can I say!

3) What do you really want to be doing right now?
Lying on the beach with the sun on my skin, my toes in the sand and the sound of the waves in my ears.

4) How many schools did you attend?
Two in primary school and two in high school

5) Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It's an uber cool shirt!  It's very punk rock and it's black and pink

6) What are your thoughts on petrol prices?
I don't give it much thought ..

7) First thought when you woke up this morning?
*yaaawwnn* I can snooze for 10 more minutes

8) Last thought before going to sleep last night?
off, off, off, off, off, off, off (it's the switchword for helping you to fall asleep)

9) Do you miss being a child?
Sometimes

10) What errand/chore do you despise?
Doing the dishes

11) Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in for definately

12) Have you found real love yet?
Probably

13) Favorite lunch meat?
I don't eat meat

 14) What do you get most time you go into a grocery store?
Probably bread and milk. 

15) Beach or lake?
Beach

16) Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Yes and no.  I don't think you have to be married to be comitted to each other and I don't think being married should cage you in either.

17) Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
Both

18) What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Richard Branson

19) Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Just a small bumper bashing, some woman decided to come to a dead stop in the middle of the road to let someone else pass and I went into the back of her.

20) Ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Nope

21) Ring tone?
Waka Waka by Shakira ft Freshly Ground

22) Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
Next to the Vaal River

23) Somewhere in South Africa you’ve never been and would like to go?
The Kalahari

24) Do you go to church?
No

25) At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
New career. 

26) How old are you?
33

27) Do you have a go-to person?
Yes. 

28) Are you where you want to be in life?
In some ways yes in other ways not even close

29) Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?
Heidi, Pinoccio, Liewe Heksie, Knersis, Dawie die Kabouter, Looney Toons

30) What about you do you think has changed the most?
My outlook on life and myself

31) Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life?
Not the actual school bit but the after school bit hell yeah

32) Are there times you still feel like a kid?
Ja for sure

33) Do you have a pager?
I have never had a pager….  

34) Where was the hang out spot when you were a teenager?
The pool place in town, the banks of the Vaal River, Michael's room

35) Were you the type of kid you would want your children to hang out with?
LOL probably not

36) Who do you think impacted your life the most?
My Mom, Tash, Carina, my kids, my husband (he is my greatest teacher), my stepmom and father

37) Was there a teacher or authority figure that stood out for you?
Unfortunately only the bad ones that was intent on breaking my spirit (idiots)

38) Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age”?
LOL not yet
39) What was the first new car you purchased?
I have never owned a brand new car, the first car I purchased was my stepmom's white golf 2 gts

40) What is the scariest thing that has happened to you as an adult?
Uhm .....

41) What advice would you give to someone about to get married?
Don't get hung up on the party (the wedding), focus on the marriage, be honest, if you have the slightest inkling of doubt don't do it.

42) What’s your favorite room in your home and why?
I don't really have one...

43) What advice would you give someone starting their first job?
Everyone started where you are now, don't be afraid to ask questions and remember that your company isn't doing a favour by hiring you, it's a mutually beneficial relationship, you provide a service and they are paying you for it.  

44) If you could go back and change one thing you did, what would it be?
Go study psychology and convince my Dad to send me to Europe and not the kibbutz in Israel.

45) If you could go back and change one thing someone else did, what would it be?
hmmm I am not going to discuss that here .... 

OK no more talk

I am going to Sportsmans Warehouse in my lunch break to buy one of those exercise ball thingies and a workout dvd of some sort.

I booked my December leave today.  We will be going to the coast and there is NO WAY that I will appear on the beach in my current wobbly state.  I need to step up the efforts.  I have 3 months to whip myself into shape.  I will take before and after photos.

If those Hollywood chicks can do it then so can I.  Right?!

And when I am all toned and firm again then I will reward myself with a Boudoir shoot with my Tasha.

And a new bikini - a small one - to show off my hot bod.  Otherwise it's 2-piece city for me blergh!

Bright side - at least I don't have to loose weight, it's just firming up and toning.  So it's 100% do-able and if I don't I only have myself to blame.

I can't wait to lie on the beach with my toes in the sand *sigh*

13 August 2010

So let me give you a run down of my day so far - I'm borderline irritated, I don't think I would be nice if this lady phones me today. . .

The day started off rather well, no screaming or crying incidents, we left home on time.  I'm rocking out in the car listening to some awesome tunes when my phone rings.  It's the Husband.  He is emo.  He is having a drama about Christian.  He can't take him to school anymore because he can't handle it that Christian cries when he leaves.  And gets upset with me when I tell him to just deal with it, like I would have to and have done. 

Get to work on time yay!  Well on time'ish 5 minutes late doesn't count as late hey?

Everything is cool, the Husband phones again and is short on the phone *sigh* cut the call short.  He phones again later sounding better.  We agree to meet at Toys 'r Us at Woodmead Retail Centre to buy a birthday gift for Lila's school friend.

I get to the centre, which is very busy.  And some douche bag steals my parking.  Very nonchalant about it too, like he did nothing wrong.

Stomp to Toys 'r Us, after getting lost in the maze that are their isles, we finally found something for the child.  I intenseley dislike that Toys 'r Us.  I called the store manager to complain.  There is 1 pay point open, so we all (aka the customers) stand in the que at the pay point.  There is about 10 staff members milling around and chatting and joking around at the customer service desk.  So eventually my husband asks if one of them can't come and assist us the customers, so this chick starts arguing with us and says she DID call us over and we ignored her.  WTF?!

Then I went to my favourite curry place and they are closed, to open 1:30, they didn't so eventually I went to the Asian place next door.  Which I actually am very glad about, I ordered a Thai green curry and some fashion sandwiches and yum yum yum!!  I also bought 2 chocolates.  You know for the endorphins and stuff.  Just to take the edge off. 

I want beer.  I will have to contact the husband to organize us some. 

12 August 2010

OK seriously.  I really have to bite my tongue sometimes and breathe and try to remember that I am not to judge others, everyone is doing the best they can with what they have at any given moment. 

I am ranting, I just spoke to someone who got semi hysterical because I didn't know the details of what they had discussed with someone else.  WTF?!  She felt that I should understand why she is upset that I didn't know.  Honestly?  No I don't understand, just because I didn't know doesn't mean that you now can't get or do what was discussed, it just means I didn't know and that I DO know and we are all on the same page we can move along. 

Gawd!


*rant over*

Even though I get irritated when people are unreasonable like that, I do try to remember that they might be going through a tough time.  If I look at my own behaviour and how unreasonable/emotional and/or irritable I get when I am upset or pms'ing or sad, it's not hard to believe that other people also act/react the same way. 

So my point today is, before you get upset at the stranger on the other side of the phone/email try to remember that maybe they are just having a bad day and instead of a scowl offer them a smile or a kind word.

11 August 2010

Ink

I don't know what it is with me and tattoos.  They just resonate with me on a very deep level.  Ever since I can remember I wanted one.  I remember my Oupa Nico had one on his forearm and it fascinated me even as a little girl.

I have a very vivid memory of me and my Mom going to Woolworths once, I must've been between 8 - 10 years old.  There were two girls in the shop all dressed in black, with loads of piercings, they had this whole goth look.  All the people turned away from them and there were mutterings of "satanists" and all I could think was that I wanted to be like those girls when I grew up.

I have two tattoos now and I have this intense yearning to have more.  I want to almost compare it to that need to have a baby, that constant aching pull you have in your heart and the restlessness.  It's an actual physical ache in my chest, well more over my solar plexus chakra but lets not get technical.  And it doesn't help watching Miami Ink and LA Ink!  My goodness the art those people create are something else.  I love watching those shows, everyone that comes in to the shop has a story and their tattoos is a physical manifestation of their story on their skin.  A tattoo should feel like it just surfaced, like it's been there forever. I don't know what draws me to it so much, the act of carrying a beautiful image on your body, something that has meaning, it's like wearing your heart on your sleeve literally.  Putting yourself out there like that, exposing yourself like that to a world filled with people and their pre-conceived ideas is somehow liberating to me.

Getting a tattoo is definitely not everyone's cup of tea and you should never get one because it's trendy.  It's a very personal experience in my opinion and not something that should be taken lightly.  To me it's a process, from deciding on the image, the process of finding the right artist and the design to getting the actual tattoo done, and it can take days, weeks or years from the start to the finish.  I think I was made to get them, the pain doesn't bug me at all, in fact to me it's the same as going bungee jumping or something, my brain  releases endorphins and it makes me feel on top of the world!  Maybe I'm an endorphin junkie haha!  Although I doubt that exercise would ever give me the same rush as getting a new tattoo.

I want a Japanese dragon, always have, in grey with red, splashes of colour.  It has to somehow integrate with the Cherry Blossom tree I have on my back and my ravens.  I know it's what I want, the question is just the how, when and who, getting something like that is not cheap.  If anyone feels like sponsoring me I would LOVE to get some art by Chris Garver at Miami Ink - just sayin. 

*sigh*

10 August 2010

*wipes sweat from brow*

Phew I had a busy week last week, so much so that I didn't even attempt to blog.  I don't want to just blog for the sake of blogging if you know what I mean. 

I had a week jam packed with training every day and because I was sick the week before (bronchitis) and last week's training, I was a bit behind on my regular work but thankfully all caught up now and ready to go - yes I am THAT efficient!  Or maybe I just have that little to do either way.  It's done!

In between all of my regular day job stuff, I received my Therific Naturals stock, the one box got damaged in transit so I have a lot of stuff that I can't sell.  And a customer who got her order posted from Head Office also let me know that her package was damaged and somehow got a hole in it (thanks SAPO!).  I also saw a spa group and they unfortunately didn't like the product all that much.  But it's all good!

I had a good week.  I learnt a lot.  I did things, drank lots of gin and dry lemon (and beer), spent time with old friends and new friends.  I was up and down and came full circle.  I also learned and was reminded that love can conquer all, friendship is a precious gift and rejection should not be taken personally. 

I feel like I am standing on the edge of something great - like the Universe is holding it's breath in eager anticipation.  I feel ready to take whatever is thrown at me and run with it.