30 September 2010

Death and dying

My husband went to a family members funeral today.  This morning getting dressed he asked me what I thought he should wear.  I said what he would normally wear to work, chinos and a button up shirt.  He wanted to know if he should wear black, my response?  Gawd please no!!

Which got me thinking about my funeral.  I know it's a bit of a morbid topic but you know whatever lol.  I don't have issues with death or dying.

I actually don't really care what people do when I die.  I am dead afterall and would probably be way too busy trying to negotiate that I don't have to re-incarnate and just stay up there.  But the people who stay behind care so everyone listen up.

I am a registered organ donar so whatever can be used must be used - I will be dead so will not be using those organs anymore.  I don't want to be buried, I can't see the point in using up space when I'm dead, I want to be cremated and if it matters plant a tree and visit it if you miss me.  I really don't care what you do with the ashes but please don't stash it somewhere and let it gather dust, dust should never be allowed to gather dust!  And remember just because someone is dead doesn't mean they are gone.

I would prefer a happy bright affair at the memorial lol have a braai and drink a lot and laugh and no one should wear black please or well do if it will make you feel better, I'll be dead so it won't bug me that much!  I know death is sad for the people who stay behind because the person that is gone will be missed.  But at the end of the day it doesn't matter so much what you do after, it matters what you do while you are still alive. 

Spend the time, say the I love you's, make the visits, lie with your head on your loved one's lap, hold them, cuddle them, love them.  What matters is now.

29 September 2010

Much about nothing

I haven't blogged much over the last week or so.  I have lots of internal things going on that I'm not ready to verbalize yet and I don't have much to say and nothing is really happening at the moment.  Well maybe that's not entirely true. 

We went with friends to the lowveld for the long weekend.  It was really nice and the landscape is just beautiful out there.  I always feel anxious when we go away with people though, my husband is .... different and I'm always convinced that people will never speak to me again and run far away after spending too much time with us in one go LOL.  The weekend was still wonderful though and a much needed break.  We played 30 seconds and Laura and her boyfriend D is the undisputed 30 seconds couples champions.  And the girls won against the boys, proving that we are indeed superior!  And we drank a lot!!!  And braaied every night it was awesome!  It is always the best to spend time with my BFF

I planted some veggies this week which is awesome!  I can't wait for them to grow so I can harvest them.  We also made some changes in the way we shop and what we buy which I am very happy about.

I'm also job hunting so if you know of anything let me know okay!!

I wish you enough ♥ and in the words if the wise Ghandhi - Be the change you want to see in the world.  I think I may actually have that tattoo'd somewhere sometime ...

27 September 2010

I need to

This weekend we went away with friends.  Laura was feeling sick and David was nursing a headache.  I offered them both medication and Laura jokingly said that I just wanted to give someone medicine (or something like that).  I blurted out "I need to do something to make someone feel better"

That was a HUGE a-ha moment for me.

And I realized that I do that all the time.  I actually NEED to do things for people to make them feel better.  That can't be healthy right?  I do it without even thinking about it and I never thought that I 'needed' to help people.  I always thought that I wanted to do it.  But there is a big difference between needing and wanting isn't there.

Analyzing this 'need' to help people I realize that it stems from a lot of things and that it can be different in different situations and it's luckily not always a 'need' but it does concern me that it is one at all. 

I'm still figuring it out.  It's a new realization for me. 

23 September 2010

Why do we shout when angry?

I found this beautiful piece on Paulho Colho's blog and just had to share.  Isn't it beautiful!!

A master asked his disciples:
‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’
the disciples thought for a while, and one of them said:

‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’
‘But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you? ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’
The disciples gave him some other answers but none satisfied the master.

Finally he explained:
‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’

Then the master asked:
‘What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’

And he finally said:
‘When they love each other even more, what happens?
‘They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love.
‘Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’

17 September 2010

Pigspotter

OK so to tie in with my little traffic rant of the other day.  This douche bag takes it to another level.  Pigspotter Tweets "Warnings" to motorists where the police are setting up roadblocks and trapping and pulling people off that are talking/texting while driving.  He has publicly promised to stop "reporting" on roadblocks (yes I guess the importance of roadblocks escaped your faulty logic hey!) but he will continue reporting on where the Police are trying to do their jobs and trap speedsters and other reckless idiots. 

Great job!!  That's exactly what we want isn't it.  Let's warn douche bags on the road so that they can go talking and texting on their cellphones while driving and speed like they are racing on Kyalami because they aren't criminals breaking the law (I'm being sarcastic for incase anyone missed that).

I'm guessing the 10 000+ people that follow this twat on Twitter are the same ones who speed and talk and text on their cellphones while driving or don't strap in their kids, or my personal favourite refuses to yield for ambulances and other emergency vehicles.  I say the Police should arrest them all including Pigspotter for obstructing and defeating the ends of justice.  Right there an entire database of douche bags 10 000+ of them!  Publish all their names so that the rest of us law abiding citizens can see who it is that doesn't care about endangering other motorists or pedestrians personal safety.

I (obviously) don't think that what this guy does is noble in any shape or form.  If he really was so concerned and his intention is to curb speeding, he wouldn't be making the pig references and he would be willing to listen to and/or come to some sort of agreement to really assist the SAPS.  The SAPS isn't perfect, but they aren't all bad either.  What this guy is doing is counter productive.  In my mind unacceptable.  What are your views about Pigspotter and what he does.

16 September 2010

Santa Shoebox Project

Santa Shoebox Project is an inspiring community initiative, that collects uniquely personalized Christmas gifts for socially disadvantaged youth. Equally, the project is about parents teaching their own children the joy of giving.

A gift to be shared with a child from a distinctly vulnerable social background, who may never before have received a Christmas gift. The project is unique in that the donor knows the name, age, gender and residence of the child the gift is intended for.

The project started in Cape Town in 2006 spearheaded by the founder of Kidz2Kidz, Dee Boehner. In 2007 Irene’ Pieters was appointed  national co-ordinator and in 2008 the Santa Shoebox Project joined forces with a similar organization from Somerset West.

Since then, the project has grown in leaps and bounds and the numbers have grown from 180 Santa Shoeboxes  in 2006,  to 2000 boxes in 2007, 8000 in 2008 to 16000 in 2009, exceeding the target by 30% - 50% year on year. In 2009 the Santa Shoebox Project reached into all corners of South Africa and in 2010 also into Namibia and Botswana. Each country supporting their own children.

The management is run entirely by volunteers. Kind hearted people who give their time, effort and expertise without being remunerated for it. Satellite projects have sprung up not only in the big cities but include many small country towns as well. All run by volunteers taking the responsibility of acting as co-ordinators for their areas.  


How can you help?
The prosperity and success of this project is dependent solely on its volunteers. You can choose between being a volunteer or  a co-ordinator of a satellite project in your area. 

If you would like to volunteer some of your time and expertise please mosey on over to their website and fill your details in.

Help them reach their target of collecting 26 000 boxes this year.

15 September 2010

Stop driving like assholes

This is a rant post - so please take note if you are offended easily click the red cross on the top right hand corner of your screen now because I will be saying fuck and shit and asshole a lot.

I am up to HERE with people on the roads.  And no not taxi's you all drive like fucking idiots.  When you did your drivers license, did you not see the part where is says "BE CONSIDERATE TO OTHERS ON THE ROAD" or "KEEP LEFT PASS RIGHT".  In fact did your Mothers not teach you any manners?  Because common courtesey should be taught at home in anyways.

What makes you so special that you think it's ok to drive in the oncoming traffic lane to cut infront of the line of cars and cut in front of people.  What makes you more important that you think it's ok to just cut someone off, or pull out of a parked position into flowing traffic without bothering to indicate.  What makes you exempt from following the rules of the road aka THE FREAKING LAW.  Do you not think 2 seconds ahead and plan your freaking route so that you change lanes in a timeous manner?  Are you so selfish that you just don't give a shit about inconveniencing everyone else and disrupting the flow of traffic?  Did you Mother not teach you how to share?  Because yes asshole, we all share the freakin road it's not just there for you.  If everyone followed the freaking rules, there would be no issues.

Every day I am absolutely gobsmacked at the total disregard of the law and lack of consideration to other people on our roads.  And what is worse is that you the douche who drives like an ass you are raising another generation of roadhogs.  Because you think it's ok to completely disregard the law you are teaching your kids that it's ok.  For incase you also missed that lesson kids learn by example.

So no asshole in the BMW it's not ok for you to weave in and out of traffic, and no little chickie in the blue Tata contrary to what you think and the bumper sticker on your car says - the road actually does NOT belong to you.

You all need to fucking learn some manners.  Now go to your rooms and think about what you did!

The end!

14 September 2010

Facebook

I have to just get this off my chest and get some other opinions on this matter.

Facebook and Facebook friends.

I have 176 Facebook friends.  Now no offence to anyone but clearly not all of those people are my bosom buddy who I share my deepest darkest secrets with.  Some of those people are strangers so they have restricted access to my profile.  Some are near and dear friends some are family and some are colleagues and others are people that I know from a forum I used to be a part of so I know them but I don't if you know what I mean.  In other words I have never had a conversation with some of them in Real Life and/or have no relationship with them.  And others are people that I have friended or friended me through meeting on FB.

Now I have met some really awesome people on the internet that I have never had a real life conversation with but that I chat to regularly on email or private message or sms.  Those people I have placed in the RL (real life) friend category (and hopefully you all know who you are LOL). 

What I don't get - is why people that both them and I know are not friends in real life, we have never had a conversation in real life, nor exchanged phone numbers or email addresses and have never communicated to each other in any way would take offence when I de-friend them.  Fek man.  Come on.  If we aren't really friends why get offended if I remove you from my friends list.  And who has the time to sit and monitor their friends list and checks who defriends them. 

Every now and again I go through my friends list and I take people off that I have had no communication with what so ever so no message on my wall, no email, no phone communication.  Because I figure if you are on my friends list and you make no effort and I make no effort to communicate then clearly we are not friends and then honestly it's creepy that you are on my friends list.I have had instances where people have taken a rather huge amount of offence.  And I really dont' get it. 

More recently someone has taken offense for me de-friending them and I have no recollection of ever having them as a "friend" on my FB profile.  I haven't gone through my friends list recently so if they ever were on my friend list they would've been de-friended about 6 months ago already anyways (if they were even on my friends list).This person (who by the way I have no issues with) instead of talking to me and asking (we all also know that sometimes things go wrong in FB) or trying to get to the bottom of the situation sent me a nasty message, I did reply to her saying that I had no problem with her and that I don't even think we ever were FB friends, which I have had no response on.  So maybe she is feeling embarresed for being a bit immature about it or she blocked me which is even more immature.    I must admit that I was upset because she was so nasty.  I have been de-friended and I honestly and truly have never taken offense to someone de-friending me.  What I don't get even more is why the offended person doesn't contact me directly and say:  "Look I saw you de-friended me, I would like to know why" but noooooooo instead people immediately assume you hate them and you don't like them.  FFS grow up people. 

Let me now state for the record that if I have a problem with anyone, I will send you an email or message and discuss the problem in a (hopefully) mature manner BEFORE I de-friend you okay!  I assume that you will do the same if you ever have some kind of problem with me.  Only someone with the maturity of shrimp will defriend an actual friend with no explanation.  And honestly if we have never had a conversation and I defriend you, I really don't need to explain myself. 

Fek these things shouldn't even be an issue in the first place!

13 September 2010

Anxious

Today I woke up feeling anxious.  My heart is beating in my throat, my stomach is twisting and turning, my palms are sweaty and I have this feeling of impending doom.  So as a result I'm slightly snappy and irate.

Absolutely no reason for me to feel this way.  Everything is as it should be.  I am doing fairly well to keep it contained and I haven't completely went off the deep end.  But as I sit here typing my heart is beating hard and fast in my chest.

I have never labelled this as a problem.  I always thought that is just how people are, everyone feels like this every once in a while.  It's normal.  I guess we all have different perceptions of what normal is.  And appently it's not normal to feel anxious every now and then?

I'm breathing and trying to focus on things that make me feel less anxious for now.  And hopefully tomorrow morning when I wake up I won't feel like this.

10 September 2010

You can't lie about murders - Mthethwa

In an article on news24 this is what our Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa said on Thursday.  Statistics show an 8.6% drop in the murder rate.  Furthermore The South African Police Service's (SAPS) crime statistician, Commissioner Chris de Kok, said research had shown that most murders involved people who knew each other, such as spouses. A considerable number involved alcohol consumption.

I personally think that it's a significant achievement and shows that our government is doing something about the high crime rates in our country.

Yet in a poll that news24 has on their front page asking people to vote on what they thought about the drop 75% of people voted "it's still nothing to be proud of".  SEVENTY FIVE %!!  Excuse me?  WTF?!  There is just no pleasing some people is there?  I have to wonder what figure would those people be happy with?  I wonder how loud they would've moaned if there was no change or a rise?  For goodness sake people! 

The overall negativity upsets me.  What is it with people? 

I am and continue to be Proudly South African and yes the drop isn't astronomical.  But it's a drop, it's an improvement and any improvement is good in my book, it shows movement in the right direction.  And that is my 5c on the subject.  What is your opinion (please discuss even if yours if different from mine)?

09 September 2010

Excuse me, sir, But is this what they call denial

These posts don't seem to be very popular but I'm going to keep posting them anyway - seeing as though it's my blog and all :P

I just L-O-V-E Lily Allen, she isn't scared to say fuck or tell it exactly as it is.  I'm going to post the lyrics of her song "Kabul shit" here for you to read today.  It's a good song, it makes sense, it makes us *hopefully* think!!

There's a hole in our logic
There's a hole in the sky
And one day just like magic
We're all going to die
'Cause we didn't turn the lights off
And we didn't take the bus
Even though we know we should have
Oh, silly old us

Well we should have recycled
And saved our resources
While there's still someone else's
Someone call the armed forces
And we'll blame it on terror
Also known as religion
But we shouldn't feel guilt
For protecting our children

Excuse me, sir
But is this what they call denial
Just to carry on regardless
We'll only do it for a while
We'll carry on straight down the line
Down the road to nowhere
Do you know where it is leading us
And do we even wanna go there

I don't have the answers
I don't know where we start
Start to pick up all the pieces
Of everything we've torn apart
Now, you'd think that we'd be grateful
For the fact we've got a choice
Instead we throw it back at people
Who don't even have a voice

And the teachers always told us
Told us we should love thy neighbor
And my mother always told me
Told me I should vote new labor
But I don't know who to trust
And I just find it all confusing
All as useless as each other
Past the point of being amusing

Excuse me, sir
But is this what they call denial
Just to carry on regardless
We'll only do it for a while
We'll carry on straight down the line
Down the road to nowhere
Do you know where it is leading us
And do we even wanna go there

08 September 2010

It went so well!

I haven't blogged.  I'm too tired, the cogs of my brain are turning to slowly to string coherent sentences together.  I have been doing really great in my exercise routine.  But I literally have been too tired this week, if breathing wasn't something that just happened I would have just stopped doing it because it takes too much energy.

I don't understand!  I'm eating well, taking supplements, exercising.  Why am I so tired?  Why?

I did however manage to do some shopping today, browsing Junkmail I happened across a great bargain, a bed for Christian, exactly what I wanted for an absolute steal.  We went to look at it today and it looks brand new, it's in mint condition.  My uber fab shopping spree only made me feel better for like 15 minutes though, then I was tired again.

OK so I am switching my pc off now, so I can go be tired somewhere else.

*yawn*

06 September 2010

Does "Mother" equal "Martyr"?

When we decide to have children, we know our lives will change.  But we don't know how much until we hold that little bundle in our arms.  Our lives change in ways that we never thought possible when we have children and it's not something that people who do not have children understand until they take the plunge themselves.

As parents it is our responsibility to guide our children to learn their life lessons, we have to teach them about life and how to be a responsible human being.  We all do that within our frame of reference.  When we have children we willingly make sacrifices, we cancel the braai because our kid has a 39 degree temperature, we buy the Barbie instead of the killer heels we saw on special.  We do these things willingly and out of love, not duty.  As Mothers we have something in common, other than children - we tend to make our children the centre of our Universe, we live for them, we breathe for them.  Which begs the question:  When does looking after your kids become neglecting yourself, and when does looking after yourself become neglecting your kids?"

Who was it that decided that when woman have kids, they have to give up their hopes, dreams, put their careers on hold, sacrifice their individuality and become "Mothers"?  It takes two to make a baby, so presumably it takes 2 to raise one.  Why does the bulk of the responsibility fall on the Mother.  Who decided that when a woman who has children pursues a career that she is a "bad Mom", who decided that when a woman has interests other than her children or their interests that she is a "bad Mom", who decided that when we have children our lives have to revolve around our children and their needs.  Who decided that our needs are secondary to our children's?

I love my children with everything within me, I will do almost anything for them.  I am not for one second sorry that had children, they bring me joy and enrich my life in ways that I have never thought possible.  But my entire life doesn't revolve around them.  It took me many years of losing myself, my identity as Nicci, as a wife, a woman to realize that for me at least, I don't have to sacrifice who I am to be a mother.  Mother is simply a part of me, it isn't what defines me.  I make sacrifices to give them things, but for me it's important to remember that children don't want or need things, things are important to us as adults, kids don't care about things.  They care about how many giggles and cuddles you've had, they care about how much time you've spent with them, they care about how much love you shower them with.  Things make us feel better.  They don't matter. 

I have realized that I don't have to give up doing things that bring me joy, things that fulfill me to be a Mother, sometimes it's ok to do something for me.  It's ok to every so often buy that pair of killer heels.  Or take that hour or two to go do a yoga class.  I suppose like everything in life we have to find that healthy balance between giving too much and giving too little.  And we have to do what feels right and what fits our families.  We are so quick to judge each other, instead of standing together in understanding of each other.  Each and every one of us do the best we can with what we have. 

So wether you choose to have a career, to breastfeed or not breastfeed or to take half a day to go to the spa with your best friend.  Whether you decide to send your kids to private school or public school, to smack them or not to smack them.  To feed them sweets or only give them organic food.  Lets remember that we are all in the same boat, we are all Mothers and keep in mind that besides being a Mother, you are also a wife, a lover, an employee or employer, a woman.  Never neglect yourself for anyone, including your children, you and how you live your life is their frame of reference, they will do what you do.  I want my daughter to grow up strong, confident being able to stand up for herself and make choices based on what is best for her.  She will never learn that from me if I am a martyr and sacrifice myself for them.


Being a Mother is and should never be a sacrifice, or selling myself short or depriving myself of something, being a Mother is a labour of love.  It is the best, most important and hardest job I will ever have and through the joys and trials and tribulations of parenthood I can still just be me also.  

The Best Average

I am 33 years old, I still do not know what I want to do in life.  I have a job.  I thought I knew what my life purpose was.  But thruth be told, I do not know.  I have always felt that I was going to do something great, I will make a difference, I will be extra ordinary.  But so far, I have been completely and utterly ordinary, very average, if not below average.

I have not discovered the secret to happiness, I have not made a profound impact on anything or anyone, I have not made a change or made a difference.  If what I thought I needed to do was meant to be it would've been by now, it wouldn't be a struggle to make it happen. 

Which brings me to think that in this life, maybe I am meant to be average, maybe I'm meant to just have a job that means nothing, maybe I'm meant to just be a Mom, a friend, a wife an employee.  Maybe I'm just meant to plod along.  Maybe I'm here to learn to be the best average that I can be.  Maybe in years to come when people look back they are supposed to go "you know that Nicci, she was average, she is the best example of average".


So do I make peace with my fate and aspire to be the best average I can be.  Do I keep on trying and failing,  Do I just plod along and hope for something better?  It's not in my nature to not try, how does the saying go - "better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all".  Because despite all my trying and failing and not knowing, I still believe in magic, I still believe that even if not on a global scale maybe I can make a tiny difference and that it will count for something or someone.  Right? Won't it?

The flame of hope flickers brightly.

Sometimes it just feels like I'm fighting against the current.

03 September 2010

My kop raas

Every now and then I have a day (or two) where I feel insecure, needy and clingy.  I normally just put my big girl panties on and deal with it, but since this is my blog that I did start to get thoughts out my head no matter how illogical, crazy or silly they are I'm going to do just that.

There is absolutely no reason why I feel like that, I just do.  I need people to tell me that they love me and that I am the best friend in the world and that they will never leave me.  Completely irrational.  When I get these little episodes I normally just retreat which makes it worse in hindsight hmmm (light bulb moment!)

I have a handful of friends that I am very close with, that I speak to every day (with the odd exception) and that I can comfortably share my thoughts and feelings and future hopes and dreams with, people that I trust with my life and that I would do almost anything for.  And on days like these, even though I know they love me in spite of me, I still feel that even they judge me and will love me less when I share my quirky ideas and thoughts.  I know this isn't true because after all these years they are still here and they are still in my corner.  I have never shared this with them or anyone else really.  Just one more thing on the list of things that Nicci does that seem a bit odd.  I'm afraid that eventually the list will get too long and people will go "ja she is too weird, I don't want to be around her anymore".

I blame my childhood years.  I always felt like an outsider in school, I didn't have friends really, and the girls were always so mean to me.  This one time I was at a birthday party, it was a pool party, and they all ganged up on me, pinned me to the ground and shoved earthworms into my swimming costume (now you know why I freak out for worms).

To me my friendships are very important, my friends are not just friends, they are like family to me, it's a sacred thing for me and I don't enter into friendships lightly.  And for me I guess it's scary to expose myself like that and have faith that people won't betray my trust and will love me for all my quirks and oddities.  When I declare you my friend you become part of my heart and I will love you even if you annoy me or I don't agree with you or any other bad thing you can think of doing.  I forgive and love unconditionally, oddly enough I am more forgiving towards my friends than toward my husband, so that should say a lot. 

So on days like these when all the skeletons and fears and insecurities burst out the box like some nightmarish jack-in-the-box, I hold on to the thought that it's just me, I am loved (I hope).

02 September 2010

Long time

Shew I haven't made a blog post in a while.  I like to say that I'm busy at work and I don't want to spend so much time on the pc at night.  But I think I'm just procrastinating a bit.

I had a very frustrating week last week, starting with the therapist appointment, a disastrous on site training session with a client where nothing worked properly, running around last minute to get every thing ready for Lila's birthday party and lots of screaming and shouting and fighting with the Husband inbetween.

A few good things happened also like that we figured some stuff out with Christian and we realized that if we give him 15 - 20 minutes of dedicated attention he is a different child.  We get so caught up in the stuff we have to do when we get home, it's home work and cooking supper and bath etc etc that we don't make quality time with the kids.  And I canceled the follow up therapist appointment.

I didn't get to exercise as much as I wanted to last week I only managed 3 days, the previous week I did 6 days.  This week has gone well and I am starting to see my belly of jelly getting smaller.  I am now doing 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of body toning exercises every day.

Lila's birthday party was a huge success and the kids all had a ball.  She got some really lovely gifts also and she felt very special.  

I am feeling a bit odd this week and disconnected from people, like everyone is over there and I am way over here.  It shall pass too I'm sure.