22 October 2010

Pole dancing

Remember the awesome gift that I wrote about the other day?  Well I received it :)  A week early, so much excitement.  I have recently taken up pole dancing for exercise and to get my body in shape.  And let me tell you it's not as easy as it looks.  Oh and there is a huge difference between the "pole dancing" you see in strip clubs and proper pole dancing - it is classified as a sport you know LOL.  It takes a lot of strength and flexibility to pull off some of the moves and it takes a lot of courage and mental letting go. But yes it definitely is meant to be sexy as well.

So here is my pole:

Mrs Rautenbach has been an AWESOME teacher and is turning out to be a great friend as well.  So watch this space for updates on my progress and maybe a pic or two.

19 October 2010

Stuck in a rut

You know how sometimes in life we get stuck in a space and things seem to go around in an endless loop.  The same routine, the same things, the same fights, the same events no growth, no change, no moving forward.

Well we were in a space like that.  I was feeling very comfortable in the space at the time, happily plodding along, turning a blind eye to all the red flags.  Then the bomb was dropped and I was sucked down the rabbit hole and the queen of hearts wanted "off with my head".

I learned that just as I have issues and had to work through feelings of not wanting to be married, resenting my partner, pretending to be happy and yearning for something else and something more than what I had.  Surprise, surprise my partner also had the same feelings.  Albeit years after I had my moment but I guess that is one of the disadvantages of being married to a someone younger than you.  I deal with things internally but my husband has a flair for the dramatic so his moment quickly escalated into something really ugly and hurtful.  At the end of the day (weekend) we eventually calmed down and could have constructive discussion and addressed issues and decided to move forward together.

I have learned so much about myself this weekend, including that I was completely caught up in a victim mentality and for the first time in my life I let go of my super large inferiority complex.  I learned that I actually am awesome, I deserve to have whatever my heart desires, I deserve to have the life that I desire and I learned that I am as stronger than I ever imagined.  I learned that if you say "I forgive" that you also have to let go and forget.  I learned that if you sift through all the crap everything is about love, giving, wanting and feeling that you are loved.  I also learned that I have the best anyway friend in the world ♥ my friends are really awesome and for the first time I believe it when they tell me they love me and that I am awesome.  I believe that they really will stick by me through thick and thin.  And I also learned that my husband will do the same.

A friend ♥ sent me this yesterday and it could not be more true for me at the moment - I feel awakened:

True Wisdom
Author Unknown

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on.  And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. 

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.)  You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave; how you should look and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop; and what you should drive how and where you should live; and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children; or what you owe your parents. 

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing.  You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.  

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.  You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love...and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms...just to make you happy.  And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely...
And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.  And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise.  You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.  More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.  On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers.  It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state-the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls.  You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire.  And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.  And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

So who knows where we will end up.  But we pick ourselves off and dust ourselves off and we put our all in because that is what we choose.  And we know we deserve joy, love and happiness and that we will not settle for less.

14 October 2010

Private or not private

My husband and I are having this debate at the moment about privacy within a relationship.  I feel that in order to trust there should be no secrets and complete transparency about everything.  He knows all my passwords, sites I'm registered on my banking passwords everything.  I know none of his.  He feels that some things should be private.

What and how much do you share in your relationship?  Do you think some things should be private or do you share everything with your partner?

My ideal job

So I'm job hunting in earnest at the moment.  So instead of getting despondent after only a couple of weeks lol I thought that in order to help the manifestation of this job to actually write down what I would like in this awesome new job that I will snag.

To me work environment is almost more important than the actual work, I can cope with anything but if the people and the company sucks then it's not worth my while.  I said/thought the other day that I didn't get why people work like slaves for a company and will work until all hours of the night, but maybe it's because I've never been in a job/worked for a company that I have passion for and that I love.  Kinda sad isn't it.

Anyway so lets get down to what my ideal position would be:
  1. The job description doesn't really matter but I don't want to be so busy that I am not able to finish what I need to do by the end of the day.  I would love to take conducting training further, I love working with people and I don't mind a bit of sales.
  2. The people/company has to be awesome, dynamic, forward thinking human beings that understands the importance of family and individual wellness and doesn't mind if I want to go early to watch a ballet concert or netball game.  Even better would be halfday!
  3. The actual environment has to be soothing to the senses.
  4. Ideally in a creative industry or working with environmental/human causes or social media
  5. It has to be close to home so that I don't have to travel too far and get stressed in traffic.
  6. My ideal salary would be R** ***.00 not too stressed about benefits but if they could contribute to the fund I have now it would be great.
  7. I would love to start as soon as I can get out of my current position and they must not mind that I am going on leave in December.
So that is all for now I think.  See I said environment is more important LOL

12 October 2010

The Art of Receiving

Yesterday something really awesome happened to me.  I was given a very generous most awesome gift - something that I really really want and probably could've bought myself in a couple of months if everything went according to plan.  When this person phoned me and said they wanted to gift me this, my first reaction was to say thanks but I'll pay you back.

When we finished our conversation and I put the phone down I got to thinking.  This person out of her own accord with no hinting or asking from me decided that she wanted to do this for me.  Why then did I feel that I couldn't accept this gift.  It's like someone giving you a birthday present and you saying thanks but how much do I owe you.  Doesn't make sense.

I know me for one I'm always working on abundance, giving, feeling but I never work on receiving.  Now how can I expect to receive in abundance if I can't accept the 'gifts' (and I don't only mean literal or stuff) that the Universe gives me.  So it was also a huge lightbulb moment for me.  The Universe is continually giving us things, it can be big things or little things in different shapes and forms.  It can be someone gifting us something, or an opportunity.  How many times to we say YES and THANK YOU and receive with grace?  How many times do we look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth and say thanks but no. 

Me I'm a giver, I give and give and give and every so often I get just the teensiest bit resentful because my cup sometimes runs empty.  But how many times do I say no without even realizing.  I learned that in order to live a life of abundance it's equally important to receive than to give. 

I have accepted the gift and boy oh boy is it going to be ever so much fun using it!

Thank you ♥

11 October 2010


I'm too cross today to make a proper blog post without spewing profanities all over the internet and being all yuck and negative and sticky.  So instead I will post this fun thing - if you do it on your blog remember to tag back I love to see everyone's answers :)

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Copy and paste into your notes and answer the questions.

Pick Your Artist: The Pixies

Are you male or female: Is she weird

Describe yourself: Where is my mind?

How do you feel about yourself: The sad punk

Describe where you currently live: Palace of the brine

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Space (I believe in)

Your best friends are: Nimrod's son & Allison

Your favourite colour is: Silver

You know: Monkey's gone to heaven

What's the weather like: Lovely day

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called? Wave of mutilation

What is life to you: Gouge away

What is the best advice you have to give: Dig for fire

If you could change your name, what would it be: Velouria

Your favourite food is: Cactus

08 October 2010

Walk with me

Yesterday on the way to drop my little 3 year old son at school he says to me "Mommy today I will walk alone, you don't have to walk to my class with me".  Me:  "Sure my boy that's awesome!".

We get to school and as he is putting his little backpack on his back he looks up at me and says "Mommy I think maybe you should rather walk with me, incase my legs get tired"  I take his hand and say "OK my baby, Mommy will walk with you".

Life is a little like that isn't it?  We are full of bravado and beat our chest and say that we don't need anyone we can go it alone.  But sometimes our legs get tired and then we need someone to walk with us.  Sometimes it's a good thing to walk alone and do things alone but sometimes I need someone to walk with me and support me.  I am very thankful and grateful that I have people in my life that understand that sometimes I must walk alone but when I need it, someone will walk with me when my legs get tired.  I only hope that my kids will always feel they can come to me when their legs get tired..

07 October 2010

What's the use of having a mind if you can't change it

I often find it frustrating how quickly my kids can change their minds, they want this then ten minutes later they don't want this anymore they want that.  It can be a bit exhausting and exasperating.  But all they are doing is they are in tune and aligned with their immediate needs.  And whey feel that they need my help (or change their minds) they ask with no guilt or shame.

Us adults can definitely take that as a lesson from our kids.  How many of us (me included) will rather die than ask for help or feel guilty when we change our minds about something or say no. And for what?  If I do something that I really don't want to do it's not to the benefit of anyone so would it not just be better to just say no?!  Or when I need help ask someone without feeling ashamed or guilty (again).  

I wonder at which point and why we unlearn to be so in tune with ourselves?  Logically it makes sense to take care of our needs and not do things that we don't feel aligned with.  Why do we then force ourselves to do things that we don't really want to?  Or is it just me.  I must admit that I do know adults that have no problems saying No or when you ask them to do something and they don't feel like it will just say so and not do it.  See I will begrudgingly do it even if I express that I don't want to.

LOL clearly something I need to work on! 

My thoughts today..

About 3 years ago my friend Carina and I decided that we are so hilarious and awesome and profound that we actually need to write a book so that we can share our collective wisdom with the world.  Needless to say we aren't published authors (yet!!) and we are only on chapter 4, that's just over a chapter a year, so you may have to wait a while to read our master piece LOL!!  Yesterday I grabbed what we wrote so far from the archives and added another chapter.  This is what I wrote:

I seem to be the weakest link in this chain of writing.  Since Chapter 3 a load of time has passed (again) and a lot has changed.  That seems to be the only constant in life doesn’t it.  Change.  Even if to us it feels like things pretty much stay the same or at a certain point in time it seems like you will never reach that goal or that things will never change, or trying to avoid and run from change.  That is the only thing you can ever count on and that is that things will indeed change.

I look at myself and my life and 3 years ago when Carina and I started writing this, I never thought that I would be here where I am now.  Some things are still the same’ish but other things have changed in profound ways.   3 Years ago my life was in chaos, I wanted out.  Out, out, out.  Control + alt + delete, End Task.  I wanted to get out of my marriage out of my life and I didn’t want any of it anymore.  So I made some tough choices including that I will not get divorced and that it is time for me to make some major changes.  I put one foot in front of the other and just kept going, what else can one do, life doesn’t stand still for us while we try to figure things out or find ourselves.  It keeps going, the sun comes up, it sets, you need to get the groceries and put petrol in your car, wipe noses, pack lunches and mop the floor, life happens.

Change is uncomfortable and scary it takes us out of comfort zone and makes us face things that we would rather keep buried.  But unfortunately or rather fortunately we can’t move on until we face those demons and work through the battles.  I am not going to sit here and preach about how I breezed through and how I am now miraculously happy and shiny.  Life does not work that way.  There is always something else we need to face or learn or do or want or achieve.  I get pissed off at God and rage at the Universe sometimes I wonder what the point is.  Often I have wanted to give up and thought that it’s just too hard.  But when things are tough and difficult it doesn’t mean that one has to be unhappy.  A positive attitude really does go a long way, that and acceptance.  This is something that I have not perfected yet by the way.  Acceptance, and to realize that if your life was meant to be different it would be.  Simple as that.  In our state of being there is no way that we can ever see or grasp the bigger picture, so we need to just trust that the path we are on will lead us where we are meant to go.  Some people have an easy path in this life and some hard but it’s the path you have chosen and it’s the path you are meant to be taking.

The best I can do while travelling along my path is to embrace whatever I come across.  To learn what I can, to love.  I was reminded that “God dwells within me as me” (Elizabeth from Eat Pray Love).  I know that where ever I go and life takes me or throws at me that at the core my highest good is always taken into consideration.  What I have learned and know with every fibre of my being is that no matter how bad things seem to be at any point in time, I will get through it.  Maybe a bit battered and bruised or cynical and jaded but I will know something I never knew before, I will have learned something, faced something and conquered something.  I will have evolved.  I believe that if we can accept what we have now.  Good or bad that doors will open, things will happen and it can only go better.  We get so caught up in everyday life, chasing that dream and that far off goal wanting more, wanting different, that we forget about what we have right here under our noses.  How can we ever expect God to give us more if we aren’t happy with what we have now?  

04 October 2010

What's what!

After a very frustrating week at work I had such an awesome weekend!

It was my early Friday so I got to leave at 3:00pm halleluyah!  On Saturday morning I had a Pole Dancing class, not the Teazers or Lollipop Lounge kind, the fitness kind.  And OMF ow, when I can move around again without going "ow ow ow" I will attempt a proper blog post telling you how freaking awesome it is.  My friend C is helping me with it and she is just awesome!  And fyi it's not as easy as it looks.

Saturday night the husband and I went to Sexpo and had a bunch of fun.  The kids slept over at the inlaws and we partied like 20-year olds.  On our way home we stopped at Risque had a few drinks danced a lot and went home I think we only got to bed at about 4:00am!!  I am finished LOL!!

Needless to say on Sunday I was about as useful as a bucket with a hole in it!  I did do some stretches last night which helped with the stiffness and had a nice loooong bath in my Therific Naturals magnesium sulphate bath salts which really helped a lot!  That stuff is awesome, just sayin!

So all in all a good weekend!  Here's to a good week filled with good news for me :)