09 May 2011

Time to move

I have decided to move my blog to WordPress since Blogger doesn't offer password protection on posts.

If you would like to continue reading my blog it's here

Look forward to seeing you there!

06 May 2011

Forward and onward!

Why is it that when people ask me "How are you?" and I tell them, they look at me like I'm crazy?  I am fine, I am really fine honestly and no I'm not in denial (my therapist says so ok).  It's like people expect me to be a sobbing mess and all broken and struggling.  Why is it that people kind of tip-toe around the subject of marriage/divorce?  Yes I know I am getting divorced, yes I know my marriage broke up.  But I also know how unhealthy that marriage was for both of us.  I also know how much better I'm functioning in all areas of my life not being in that marriage.  And I also believe that two happy people apart are far better than two miserable people together - for everyone.  Surely that's a good thing?

Who gets to decide how long I should be in mourning about this?  I mourned, I said my goodbye's.  It's done, and now I am looking forward and moving on.  I don't see the point in hanging on to fear/anger/grief.  I don't see the point of hating the ex.  I don't want that for myself.  I choose to be happy, I choose to move forward and find the good things that has come out of this.  I choose NOT to focus on the bad things.

I can't see the point in living in "what-if" and "shoulda, coulda, would've" land.  I can't change the past, I can only learn from it and try to not make the same mistakes again and move forward.  I can look at myself as an individual and work on changing the things within me that needs changing.  And that is exactly what I'm doing.

05 May 2011

This, that and the other

I went to therapy last night.  Even though I feel ok, it's good for me to go, it's really insightful and I'm learning a lot about myself.  Plus it's good for me to purge.  I did however allow someone to get under my skin and I'm feeling mighty irritated as a result.  And I'm irritated for being irritated.  So I'm just feeling irate today.

I was supposed to go to this launch tonight where the Parlotones are going to be performing but unfortunately my friend/boss is so sick shame, so she won't be able to go with me anymore.  I was going to just give the whole thing a miss I thought it was a bit weird going alone, but I decided to get dressed up, put my big girl panties on, suck it up and just go by myself.  I'll watch the Parlotones's set and go home after.  Who knows before the day is over I might find someone who is able to go with me.  I will consider it my baptism of fire into the world of singledom.  I don't have to worry about the kids as they are with their father this weekend.  I think that's why I'm also feeling a bit bleh.

Anyway I'm sure I will have a great weekend, I have a few things planned and we will see how the rest goes...

And I really really need to start exercising again.  All my hard work is going down the drain, my muscle is turning into sludge *disgusting*   So will have to see where I can make a plan as I can no longer go to gym anymore *sob*  But ok that's enough moaning for one day!!

If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart and I'll stay forever ~ Winnie the Pooh

04 May 2011

The White Picket Fence Myth

As a young adult I always considered myself to be the anti-cinderella.  I never wanted kids or to be married particularly.  I was in quite a long (also 8 years) relationship and was quite content just living together.  Over time that slowly changed.  I wasn't happy anymore with just toddling along, I wanted a commitment from my partner, the mythical white picket fence.  I broke off our engagement and moved cities.

Then I met a man and I fell hook, line and sinker for the white picket fence schpiel, I wanted it all, the tree in the front yard, the 2.1 kids, to grow old together and sit on the porch smiling hand in hand and watch the grand kids play on the lawn.  The reality was quite different from that.  

I ask myself what it is that make us want and believe in that particular fantasy.  Because in reality it IS only a fantasy.  Real relationships have ups and downs, people living together in close proximity are bound to work on each other's nerves at some point.  What is it that makes us so badly want that perfect image of a smiling happy family.  Programmed into our genes, the media, society?  For those of you who don't personally know me, I am getting divorced.  I won't sit here and lie to you and say that it has been an easy ride, I was devastated, crushed and didn't know what was happening.  Looking back I realize that the hardest thing to let go of, was that fantasy, the dream of the white picket fence.  Because to be perfectly honest my marriage ended a long long time ago.

I found a sense of belonging and family in being married.  And that for me was hard, my family was breaking up, and up until I got to the realization that I still have my family it's just different, it was hard for me.  I find myself re-looking what it is that I really want as opposed to what it is I THINK I want.  And it's been an epic journey for me.  I never wanted to be that divorced woman with kids.  And I am also coming to terms with that stigma not from other people but the one that I created in my head for myself.  My little family functions well, we are happy, I am free to create the live that I always wanted, do the things I've always wanted to do and reach the goals I've set for myself.  And that for me is all I need right now.

Sure I miss that bond you have with someone you share a bed with.  I miss having someone that I'm that close to, who will hold me and listen to me and when I need a hug will hug me and when I go away from them inhale their smell from their side of the bed.  And I'm sure in time I will find that with someone again.  But for now who is to say I don't have my white picket fence afterall...it's just different.

03 May 2011

Everything happens for a reason

OK I don't really have anything interesting to post about today.  It was the first day back at work/school, the holidays were just one day too long me thinks.  The kids were very excited to get back to school!  And I was very excited to get back to work!!

I feel bored tonight so I won't blame you if you are bored with my boring blog post.  I have no more Vampire Diaries to watch so I've been chatting to my Tash on bbm and my very diligent friend Mrs Rautenbach is slaving away so no chitty chatty.  I have organised myself a playdate for Saturday though *exciting* with my friend Clezzie who I haven't seen in AGES!!  It's all very exciting.

I am actually feeling quite chipper today.  Yay me.  It's so liberating to just live my life the way I want.  I never knew I wasn't doing that until well I started doing it (if that makes any sense).  The way I do things work.  And it's awesome.  I read Raising Men quite a bit and she posted this quote today:

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." 

It just rang so true for me today.  Better things are indeed falling together.  When we are in the midst of things, whatever they are, we sometimes struggle to just keep our heads above water, but if there is one thing that you can hold on to and put your faith into 100% it's that - things WILL get better.  Believe it, coz it's true!  

I always used to say "I birthed 2 kids with no drugs, there is nothing I can't handle" and with my recent issues, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is indeed nothing I can't handle.  Some days are darker than others, but there is nothing so bad that you can't handle it.   Even if the voices in your head (or someone else's head) tells you so.  Promise xx

I have learned to just be present in the now and not to look back, when you are looking back you can't see where you are going.  Just keep moving forward, sometimes one moment at a time, but do it.  No looking back. 

02 May 2011

My heart has wings

I've been whining a lot over the past couple of days and have been a bit of a grumpasaur.  A bit more impatient than usual and a real snap-dragon.  Not nice.

Even though I don't feel much better - my throat still feels like there is a bunch of razor blades stuck in it, I was convinced this morning when I woke up that my voice would be gone.  But alas the sexy frog sounding voice is still going strong - joy!  Anyone up for some phone sex?  LOLOL!!  Not!

I've been doing a lot of thinking and mulling the past couple of days, had a bit of a sob, felt a bit sorry for myself (ok a LOT) but I'm over it now.  I am learning some lessons about building walls, letting go, acceptance, and being present in the now.  Oh and trusting.  It's a big thing for me to realize that not everyone is going to hurt me, and if they are I have no control over it whether I build walls or not.  And that it's ok.  I can't mistrust everyone and expect that everyone is going to hurt me.  That is no way to live, it's like running away from life and looking over your shoulder the whole time.  And these days I'm all about living life, moving forward and not running and hiding.  

Yesterday I said goodbye to another thing from my old life.  I decided to re-home the ex's dogs.  He won't be living somewhere that he can have pets and I really just need to simplify my life.  I am not a dog person and they really deserve more space, love and attention than we were able to give them.  So I found a really good home for them, the update is that they are settled and happy and showered with love.  So I am happy that they are happy.  And I'm happy to have my home back.  I am excited to look and move forward a bit more every day and creating the space in my home and garden that I dreamed of when I first moved in here.

I am also contemplating some new ink.  Getting tattoos are pretty addictive and I always said that I want lots more.  But with this one I've been uhm'ing and ah'ing a bit.  I know where I want it but I have NO idea what I want or if I even do want another one.  What's up with that?!  The start of an idea is starting to form in my head though so we will see where it takes me.

My heart has wings

01 May 2011

Having a moment

Today I'm not on top form.  I had a very bad night, was awake a lot had crazy dreams.  Then this morning I read this beautiful piece on what Tash Clark thinks love is.  And ja being sick I am a little more emotional than usual.

I deserve to be loved like that.  And today I miss having someone to hold me, and tell me everything is going to be ok.  Someone that will listen to me without judgement just let me purge.  Someone who I can be with and that loves me for me, with all my quirks and things and doesn't try to change me.

I know having a special someone in your life isn't the be all and end all.  But sometimes I just feel like I've missed out on so much, wasted so much time.  I'm in no hurry to find someone, I need to just focus on me for a bit.  But a substitute would be nice.  I talk to my girlfriends and they are super awesome and supportive and set me straight and soothe and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

But sometimes I just want a strong pair of arms where I feel safe and comforted.  Sometimes I just want to surrender and be taken care of and not have to be strong.  I am strong and very capable to take care of myself and I surround myself with positive nurturing people.  But today I just miss having someone, just today.

Argh just having a moment - it will pass!