04 May 2011

The White Picket Fence Myth

As a young adult I always considered myself to be the anti-cinderella.  I never wanted kids or to be married particularly.  I was in quite a long (also 8 years) relationship and was quite content just living together.  Over time that slowly changed.  I wasn't happy anymore with just toddling along, I wanted a commitment from my partner, the mythical white picket fence.  I broke off our engagement and moved cities.

Then I met a man and I fell hook, line and sinker for the white picket fence schpiel, I wanted it all, the tree in the front yard, the 2.1 kids, to grow old together and sit on the porch smiling hand in hand and watch the grand kids play on the lawn.  The reality was quite different from that.  

I ask myself what it is that make us want and believe in that particular fantasy.  Because in reality it IS only a fantasy.  Real relationships have ups and downs, people living together in close proximity are bound to work on each other's nerves at some point.  What is it that makes us so badly want that perfect image of a smiling happy family.  Programmed into our genes, the media, society?  For those of you who don't personally know me, I am getting divorced.  I won't sit here and lie to you and say that it has been an easy ride, I was devastated, crushed and didn't know what was happening.  Looking back I realize that the hardest thing to let go of, was that fantasy, the dream of the white picket fence.  Because to be perfectly honest my marriage ended a long long time ago.

I found a sense of belonging and family in being married.  And that for me was hard, my family was breaking up, and up until I got to the realization that I still have my family it's just different, it was hard for me.  I find myself re-looking what it is that I really want as opposed to what it is I THINK I want.  And it's been an epic journey for me.  I never wanted to be that divorced woman with kids.  And I am also coming to terms with that stigma not from other people but the one that I created in my head for myself.  My little family functions well, we are happy, I am free to create the live that I always wanted, do the things I've always wanted to do and reach the goals I've set for myself.  And that for me is all I need right now.

Sure I miss that bond you have with someone you share a bed with.  I miss having someone that I'm that close to, who will hold me and listen to me and when I need a hug will hug me and when I go away from them inhale their smell from their side of the bed.  And I'm sure in time I will find that with someone again.  But for now who is to say I don't have my white picket fence afterall...it's just different.

1 comment:

  1. I always saw myself with kids but never married - weird hey! I wanted a white dress but when I was growing up I never had the groom in my fantasies - lol - was always just me in my fancy dress and then kids! Weird hey!