From Near the Moon

Time to move

2011-05-09T19:32:00.000+02:00

I have decided to move my blog to WordPress since Blogger doesn't offer password protection on posts.

If you would like to continue reading my blog it's here

Look forward to seeing you there!

Forward and onward!

2011-05-06T13:54:00.001+02:00

Why is it that when people ask me "How are you?" and I tell them, they look at me like I'm crazy? I am fine, I am really fine honestly and no I'm not in denial (my therapist says so ok). It's like people expect me to be a sobbing mess and all broken and struggling. Why is it that people kind of tip-toe around the subject of marriage/divorce? Yes I know I am getting divorced, yes I know my marriage broke up. But I also know how unhealthy that marriage was for both of us. I also know how much better I'm functioning in all areas of my life not being in that marriage. And I also believe that two happy people apart are far better than two miserable people together - for everyone. Surely that's a good thing?

Who gets to decide how long I should be in mourning about this? I mourned, I said my goodbye's. It's done, and now I am looking forward and moving on. I don't see the point in hanging on to fear/anger/grief. I don't see the point of hating the ex. I don't want that for myself. I choose to be happy, I choose to move forward and find the good things that has come out of this. I choose NOT to focus on the bad things.

I can't see the point in living in "what-if" and "shoulda, coulda, would've" land. I can't change the past, I can only learn from it and try to not make the same mistakes again and move forward. I can look at myself as an individual and work on changing the things within me that needs changing. And that is exactly what I'm doing.

This, that and the other

2011-05-05T08:51:00.001+02:00

I went to therapy last night. Even though I feel ok, it's good for me to go, it's really insightful and I'm learning a lot about myself. Plus it's good for me to purge. I did however allow someone to get under my skin and I'm feeling mighty irritated as a result. And I'm irritated for being irritated. So I'm just feeling irate today.

I was supposed to go to this launch tonight where the Parlotones are going to be performing but unfortunately my friend/boss is so sick shame, so she won't be able to go with me anymore. I was going to just give the whole thing a miss I thought it was a bit weird going alone, but I decided to get dressed up, put my big girl panties on, suck it up and just go by myself. I'll watch the Parlotones's set and go home after. Who knows before the day is over I might find someone who is able to go with me. I will consider it my baptism of fire into the world of singledom. I don't have to worry about the kids as they are with their father this weekend. I think that's why I'm also feeling a bit bleh.

Anyway I'm sure I will have a great weekend, I have a few things planned and we will see how the rest goes...

And I really really need to start exercising again. All my hard work is going down the drain, my muscle is turning into sludge *disgusting* So will have to see where I can make a plan as I can no longer go to gym anymore *sob* But ok that's enough moaning for one day!!

If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart and I'll stay forever ~ Winnie the Pooh

The White Picket Fence Myth

2011-05-04T12:41:00.001+02:00

As a young adult I always considered myself to be the anti-cinderella. I never wanted kids or to be married particularly. I was in quite a long (also 8 years) relationship and was quite content just living together. Over time that slowly changed. I wasn't happy anymore with just toddling along, I wanted a commitment from my partner, the mythical white picket fence. I broke off our engagement and moved cities.

Then I met a man and I fell hook, line and sinker for the white picket fence schpiel, I wanted it all, the tree in the front yard, the 2.1 kids, to grow old together and sit on the porch smiling hand in hand and watch the grand kids play on the lawn. The reality was quite different from that.

I ask myself what it is that make us want and believe in that particular fantasy. Because in reality it IS only a fantasy. Real relationships have ups and downs, people living together in close proximity are bound to work on each other's nerves at some point. What is it that makes us so badly want that perfect image of a smiling happy family. Programmed into our genes, the media, society? For those of you who don't personally know me, I am getting divorced. I won't sit here and lie to you and say that it has been an easy ride, I was devastated, crushed and didn't know what was happening. Looking back I realize that the hardest thing to let go of, was that fantasy, the dream of the white picket fence. Because to be perfectly honest my marriage ended a long long time ago.

I found a sense of belonging and family in being married. And that for me was hard, my family was breaking up, and up until I got to the realization that I still have my family it's just different, it was hard for me. I find myself re-looking what it is that I really want as opposed to what it is I THINK I want. And it's been an epic journey for me. I never wanted to be that divorced woman with kids. And I am also coming to terms with that stigma not from other people but the one that I created in my head for myself. My little family functions well, we are happy, I am free to create the live that I always wanted, do the things I've always wanted to do and reach the goals I've set for myself. And that for me is all I need right now.

Sure I miss that bond you have with someone you share a bed with. I miss having someone that I'm that close to, who will hold me and listen to me and when I need a hug will hug me and when I go away from them inhale their smell from their side of the bed. And I'm sure in time I will find that with someone again. But for now who is to say I don't have my white picket fence afterall...it's just different.

Everything happens for a reason

2011-05-03T21:56:00.002+02:00

OK I don't really have anything interesting to post about today. It was the first day back at work/school, the holidays were just one day too long me thinks. The kids were very excited to get back to school! And I was very excited to get back to work!!

I feel bored tonight so I won't blame you if you are bored with my boring blog post. I have no more Vampire Diaries to watch so I've been chatting to my Tash on bbm and my very diligent friend Mrs Rautenbach is slaving away so no chitty chatty. I have organised myself a playdate for Saturday though *exciting* with my friend Clezzie who I haven't seen in AGES!! It's all very exciting.

I am actually feeling quite chipper today. Yay me. It's so liberating to just live my life the way I want. I never knew I wasn't doing that until well I started doing it (if that makes any sense). The way I do things work. And it's awesome. I read Raising Men quite a bit and she posted this quote today:

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

— Marilyn Monroe

It just rang so true for me today. Better things are indeed falling together. When we are in the midst of things, whatever they are, we sometimes struggle to just keep our heads above water, but if there is one thing that you can hold on to and put your faith into 100% it's that - things WILL get better. Believe it, coz it's true!

I always used to say "I birthed 2 kids with no drugs, there is nothing I can't handle" and with my recent issues, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is indeed nothing I can't handle. Some days are darker than others, but there is nothing so bad that you can't handle it. Even if the voices in your head (or someone else's head) tells you so. Promise xx

I have learned to just be present in the now and not to look back, when you are looking back you can't see where you are going. Just keep moving forward, sometimes one moment at a time, but do it. No looking back.

My heart has wings

2011-05-02T09:50:00.000+02:00

I've been whining a lot over the past couple of days and have been a bit of a grumpasaur. A bit more impatient than usual and a real snap-dragon. Not nice.

Even though I don't feel much better - my throat still feels like there is a bunch of razor blades stuck in it, I was convinced this morning when I woke up that my voice would be gone. But alas the sexy frog sounding voice is still going strong - joy! Anyone up for some phone sex? LOLOL!! Not!

I've been doing a lot of thinking and mulling the past couple of days, had a bit of a sob, felt a bit sorry for myself (ok a LOT) but I'm over it now. I am learning some lessons about building walls, letting go, acceptance, and being present in the now. Oh and trusting. It's a big thing for me to realize that not everyone is going to hurt me, and if they are I have no control over it whether I build walls or not. And that it's ok. I can't mistrust everyone and expect that everyone is going to hurt me. That is no way to live, it's like running away from life and looking over your shoulder the whole time. And these days I'm all about living life, moving forward and not running and hiding.

Yesterday I said goodbye to another thing from my old life. I decided to re-home the ex's dogs. He won't be living somewhere that he can have pets and I really just need to simplify my life. I am not a dog person and they really deserve more space, love and attention than we were able to give them. So I found a really good home for them, the update is that they are settled and happy and showered with love. So I am happy that they are happy. And I'm happy to have my home back. I am excited to look and move forward a bit more every day and creating the space in my home and garden that I dreamed of when I first moved in here.

I am also contemplating some new ink. Getting tattoos are pretty addictive and I always said that I want lots more. But with this one I've been uhm'ing and ah'ing a bit. I know where I want it but I have NO idea what I want or if I even do want another one. What's up with that?! The start of an idea is starting to form in my head though so we will see where it takes me.

My heart has wings

Having a moment

2011-05-01T10:58:00.001+02:00

Today I'm not on top form. I had a very bad night, was awake a lot had crazy dreams. Then this morning I read this beautiful piece on what Tash Clark thinks love is. And ja being sick I am a little more emotional than usual.

I deserve to be loved like that. And today I miss having someone to hold me, and tell me everything is going to be ok. Someone that will listen to me without judgement just let me purge. Someone who I can be with and that loves me for me, with all my quirks and things and doesn't try to change me.

I know having a special someone in your life isn't the be all and end all. But sometimes I just feel like I've missed out on so much, wasted so much time. I'm in no hurry to find someone, I need to just focus on me for a bit. But a substitute would be nice. I talk to my girlfriends and they are super awesome and supportive and set me straight and soothe and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

But sometimes I just want a strong pair of arms where I feel safe and comforted. Sometimes I just want to surrender and be taken care of and not have to be strong. I am strong and very capable to take care of myself and I surround myself with positive nurturing people. But today I just miss having someone, just today.

Argh just having a moment - it will pass!

Arb post

2011-04-30T15:10:00.000+02:00

I woke up on Thursday with a bit of a scratchy throat and promptly ignored it. On Friday morning it was worse and I sounded like I had a frog in my throat and today well today I'm feeling miserable. I'm not sick but my eyes are scratchy and my throat is sore and I have a little cough and sneezing. Bleh. Poor me. I need soup and love.

Despite my feeling a bit yuck, the kids and I had a lovely picnic at Delta Park yesterday and we went and fed the ducks at Emmerentia all the leftover bread. Lila found one of her school mates there and voila instant playdate! We had fun. Now I'm lying in bed, feeling sorry for myself, butternut soup cooking on the stove. I am sure I will feel better in the morning.

You feel sorry for me too m'kay!

Relationships

2011-04-30T10:00:00.006+02:00

OK OK I know I'm harping on about the topic. It's just that while I was married, I completely closed myself off to making new friends. Especially guys. Part of the reason was that I knew I couldn't be the kind of friend that I wanted to be and friendship is pretty much a 2 way street.

I am having so much fun at the moment opening myself up and allowing myself to make new friends. Having said that, making new friends are pretty much the same as way back when in high school. Not that the people are childish it's just that it can be hard "breaking in" to an existing group of friends. It can be a bit daunting and scary - good scary though.

Most of my friends are all married with kids, they are all awesome and I love doing stuff with them. But for me right now, when the kids are with their father I need to step away from my role as Mom and just be me. No kid stuff. It's so important for me right now to take the time I get and be Nicci, the woman, a person in my own right. Not someone's partner or Mom. Just me. Look I love my kids and they are always my priority but at the same time my life can't be all about them all of the time. To me a happy Mommy = happy kids.

So I'm having fun being open, getting to know the new people in my life and seeing where it will all take me. Going with the flow...

I want to know

2011-04-29T09:42:00.002+02:00

I am a firm believer that people are sent along our path for a specific reason. Some people stay a lifetime, others a short time. Each one brings certain gifts and lessons. If we are aware of this and are willing to receive these gifts (and I'm not talking about physical gifts) and learn the lessons our lives become richer. I have always loved this piece by Oriah Mountain Dreamer from her book The Invitation, it holds a special place in my heart and expresses what I feel so clearly.

Sometimes just by being we are helping.

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love
for your dream for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...I want to know if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful to be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

Oh! How I love todays!

2011-04-26T09:11:00.001+02:00

My life at the moment is that time of day when the sun is starting to rise and the sky turns from black to midnight blue on the horizon and you can slowly see the colours in the sky changing as the rays of the sun starts to touch everything. Full of hope and wonder and excitement about what the day might bring.

I am just being reminded everyday of how blessed I am. Each day is really a day filled with hope and wonder and a "what will today bring" kind of feeling and I'm loving it!!! Places to go, things to do, people to see (and meet). Just to throw in a cliché- when one door closes another does indeed open! Like the Dalai Lama said: "Sometimes not getting what you want, is a wonderful stroke of luck".

I am so lucky that I am surrounded by so many awesome people, I have at least chosen my friends wisely. I am careful who I call "friend" as for me a friend is someone I consider to be like family. These people who I chose and who chose me, have stuck by me and have carried (and sometimes nudged, shoved, pushed or dragged) me through good times and bad. They are the people who don't have to stay but choose to stick around, play so many different roles in my life and I love each one of them dearly! I don't know what I would've done without them.

At the moment I am enjoying standing with open arms, inviting life in, living each day the way I want and seizing the day!

Flying

2011-04-08T13:35:00.000+02:00

‎"Sometimes the push that sent you over the edge is exactly what you needed for you to learn how to fly." ~ Unknown

Life can be hard sometimes. Emotional stuff, feelings and thoughts become sticky sludge that weigh us down and make us unable to move forward. When in the midst of it, it's difficult to see the way out. I have been holding on, I have been given a shove and I'm the person on the edge of cliff, wildly flailing my arms to keep from falling. Any minute now I'm going to loose my balance and go over the edge.

I believe I will fly.

It's in the silence

2011-04-01T13:19:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I didn't have a great day, I just felt emotionally yuck and I let my thoughts run away with me. I try not to do that and just take every day, every moment as it comes, but yesterday my thoughts played runaway train. This morning however I woke up and felt loads better.

I'm trying to find things to occupy myself with and thankfully this weekend we have loads to do. It's in the quiet moments, the moments when you want to reach out and touch someone, or the times you just want a hug and inhale the smell of someone that gets me though. Takes some getting used to. But for now I only worry about the next moment and I keep myself occupied.

I've haven't been to gym once this week - shame on me!!!! I will make a concerted effort next week, I miss my endorphin rush!! And coupled with my recent stress diet which did my waistline wonders, I will soon be well on the way to my washboard stomach. I have just been so tired and decided to rather listen to my body, go home and I go to bed at the same time as the kids. Some exercise will do me the world of good though! So next week.

Denial is a river in Egypt..

2011-03-31T11:29:00.000+02:00

Look I know I said I would make more of an effort to put in some blogging time. But I'm in my shell at the moment, it's safe and comfortable there. I have so many things I want to say, but, I just don't want to. I like to sometimes keep my things to myself and just stew and mull over them and sort them out in my head.

I feel in a really good space though, I'm coping and I'm not a sobbing teary mess. Last night I went to therapy, it helps right. The therapist thinks I'm in denial. I brought it up though so I started it. I'm slightly disappointed in this as I like to think that I don't run away from issues and that I am brave enough to confront head on and sort it out. I'm over "bury the pain and deal with it later" maybe not...any-the-hoo

Me and Denial will just sit quietly here in my corner where we can keep an eye on each other and everything and everyone and will be in discussions in how we will go about feeling fine without needing him (I feel that Denial is a him - how else?).

My therapist is lovely though and we are on the same wavelength so I am sure we will sort something out. The road to healing and acceptance is sometimes a rocky road but boy do you come out fit and ready to face anything on the other side!

Leap!

2011-03-30T09:55:00.000+02:00

When you have come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly.~ Patrick Overte

That is where I am standing right now, on the edge of the precipice, ready to take a blind leap of faith, but deep within me I know that I will learn to fly. I will be ok and there is a bright sunny future ahead. I am not ready to openly blog about what is happening yet, but I am keeping a journal and I might write about it at a later stage when the dust have settled.

It's a time of intense growing, learning and change. But it's hard even though I am in a good space at the moment. But I have so many amazing people supporting me, it's just awesome!

At my new job things are going really well. The people I work with is great! I love my new job and it's good to be in a space where my ideas are being used and my input is valued. I actually enjoy coming to work now LOL!

So there, a small update, I haven't blogged in a loooong time and I will really make more of an effort to, I actually do miss it. At least I journal but I miss updating my blog and connecting with the world out there.

Fighting

2011-02-14T13:42:00.000+02:00

I recently discovered that the company I work short paid me on my commission and now owes me a rather tidy sum of money. When I found out I deliberated for a couple of days to make the decision if I should claim it or leave it. At the end of the day I decided to claim for it, it is rightfully due to me and there should be no dispute as it states in my contract of employment that a certain amount will be paid out to me and it wasn't.

Of course being the human being that he is, the owner of the company is refusing to pay out the owed amount to me and of course the GM's loyalties lie with him and not with me (or his staff) so together they are now concocting all sorts of tall tales including that "the contract is wrong, it doesn't mean anything and we 'meant' something else" LOL, I kid you not. I spoke to the CCMA and unfortunately because it's commission they can't help me with it and if he doesn't willingly pay my only course of action is to take him to court as it's a civil case. So it's been a tumultuous couple of days. I have since made my peace that I will not be paid, although I still feel that I have a strong case, I can prove everything that I am claiming by hard facts. I am not one for burning bridges but I have also never been treated this way in my working history.

I feel positively yuck from all this negative energy. I do not understand how some people live this way and take their enjoyment in harming others emotionally and constantly fights AND is perfectly ok with it. The whole situation really made me feel awful energetically. I think I'm going to have to clear my chakras tonight and do a cleansing ritual.

Even though I know that there are people who are unethical and dishonest and just plain mean and nasty I am always caught a little off guard and it upsets me when I encounter them. Luckily it isn't a lot and thankfully I have been blessed to remove myself from my current situation as soon as I made the decision to go. Only 14 more sleeps then I don't have to be in this environment anymore.

On my own

2011-02-07T13:44:00.000+02:00

As much as I enjoy time on my own and to have a bit of space. Every time my husband leaves on conference (aka paid for holiday/boozy trip) I feel slightly terrified for a few moments. It is quite evident who makes the biggest mess when he isn't there. So I am perfectly able to cope and deal with the kids/housework etc on my own so that really isn't a problem for me. It's always nice to have that extra set of hands but I can do it on my own. What momentarily terrifies me is being outnumbered. If I am on my own they outnumber me. It's 2 against 1! It is for that reason why I have decided against having a 3rd child, so unless we are suddenly going to be into polyamory there will be no 3 to 2 kid to adult ratio in our house. Luckily for me that terrifying moment passes quickly and my kids really are ANGELS when we are alone.

They listen, do their chores and just fall in line like good little soldiers. I don't know why this is but they are always exceptionally good when it's just the 3 of us. Christian has his moments where he will throw a wobbly but I don't entertain that so he quickly realizes that in order to get my attention he needs to calm the heck down. The only downside is that I won't be able to go to gym until hubby is back from his holiday err conference. But thankfully I can spend some time on the pole to keep my muscles in use!!

The dogs however did NOT get the same memo as the kids. They are impossible. This morning I was greeted with dog poop and pee in the kitchen, lounge and sun room. So I spent 30 minutes cleaning up doggie doo and pee while holding a scarf across the lower half of my face to try and block the smell and trying not to hurl (unsuccessful) it was not fun. I have no idea why the excess crap seriously I even let them out before I went to bed to prevent the poop in the house. I think they did it on purpose just to annoy me because they KNOW how much I despise it (the dog poop/pee is normally the husbands business so to speak). I am seriously considering letting them sleep outside. I CAN NOT deal with another start to the morning like this one, otherwise they might tragically go missing. *sigh* Even with a 2 : 2 adult to kid ratio I'm still outnumbered 3 : 1 about the dogs....

Fuzzy bunnies and rainbows

2011-02-04T10:46:00.000+02:00

You know what? Some days I want my head in the clouds and think fuzzy bunnies, unicorn poop, pink cupcakes and rainbows. I've been having a happy month. I feel great, happy, content and like I'm moving forward. I'm exercising and already seeing great results and am well on my way to a washboard stomach! So as much as sometimes in the past I have allowed myself to vent and work through things. For now I'm going to allow myself to be happy and to dwell in this space. I refuse to get caught up in silly dramas and issues and dwell on the negative (and read news sites LOL). I have decided that I will only allow myself 10 minutes to be upset and vent over things.

I have also learnt that as much as we sometimes want to make ourselves heard and let our opinions be known and feel validated, sometimes we need to just STFU. It's not important to always let yourself be heard for me at this point in my life. And for me it's a big thing as in the past I have been someone who needed validation. I went through a period of really struggling emotionally and I have been holding on to the knowing that "this too shall pass" and well what do you know it's passed. I'm sure the wheel will eventually turn again. Such is the nature of life. We all go through cycles and I feel relieved and very happy that I am on the up end of the cycle again!

So I refuse to waste it!

What defines you.

2011-01-19T14:31:00.000+02:00

Recently I have gone through some work issues. To be honest I have never really been happy in my job, in the past I have used excuses like “it’s the company” or “i am bored” or “it’s time to move on” but the truth is that I am unhappy in my job because it’s not something that I am passionate about.

Have you ever noticed that when you meet someone one of the first questions they ask of you is “What do you do?” As a society we have come to use someone’s job title as part of forming an opinion of that person. For someone like me that isn’t attached to my job title and put absolutely no value to it whatsoever it kinda sucks. Picture this scenario – fancy cocktail party, are introduced to some affluent people, you are fitting in nicely and chatting away, the inevitable “what do you do” comes up, me “I’m in admin – yes I do admin”, affluent person trying to be polite “oh what company do you work for” explain, “oh that’s .... lovely” looks uncomfortable and suddenly has a craving for those caviar hors' d oeuvres.

*I* don’t define myself by the work I do and I suppose for me because I put no value on it I find it hard to understand why other people do. But I suppose in a way job titles make us fit into a nice little box and give people clear guidelines about what kind of person you possibly could be and if they would like to be associated with you. It's sad in a way because I'm sure people miss out on getting to know great people by boxing and labeling like that.

Maybe my thoughts on this will change if I ever get to do something I am passionate about but for now, yes I have a job and no my job does not define me.

Interview

2011-01-07T11:54:00.000+02:00

OK so I went for an interview today, I almost cancelled it (yes I know it's counter productive) but I soldiered on. It was at an agency for a really nice position at a big corporate. I feel better now that I went. Will hear next week sometime about the interview with the actual group. So lets see..

My friend Laura has another blog she also runs called Female2Female and after my very depressing woe is me post from yesterday suggested that I write a weekly article for the site which I have agreed to do. You know what they say about idleness being the devils ear cushion and all that! So I am excited to start with that and GYM yay!! I think we will start gym next week sometime, I can't wait to get back into exercising again, I did zilch over the December holidays and I feel totally yuck! I haven't touched my pole either *sobs* luckily that will be remedied tonight when my other friend Mrs Rautenbach comes over for a chat/pole session!

I feel better today thank you - I guess it helps being Friday and all LOL!

Have a good one peeps!

Drifting

2011-01-06T11:15:00.000+02:00

And I don't mean drifting like in those guys with their fast cars around corners.

I am in earnest looking for other employment this year and as much as I want to leave and feel utterly un-enthusiastic about my current work situation. I feel the same when I browse through the loads of jobs on job sites. I am really struggling to get excited and motivated about doing the same thing at another company. I am just a little bit resentful that I can't also do something that I love.

It would be easy if I actually could find a compromise and find something that I love doing that isn't exactly what I want to be doing. What I really want to do is not possible (don't have the capital), the other thing I want to do I need a Masters degree and study for 7 years so that is also not going to happen. And the other other thing I want to do I also need to study for about 2 years which is also not going to happen, so I have to be happy (as always) with 2nd best and be stuck with doing meaningless admin jobs the same thing day in and day out yay for me.

I really feel like I'm just drifting around, like there is no meaning to what I do, every day is the same, treading water and never getting anywhere. And apparently I'm not as nice as I thought I was I apparently project a little bit of a not nice attitude - who knew! I'm feeling a bit sad about this today I will just have to accept that this is it, and be happy with never quite getting what I want and being happy with below average.

Soldier on!

New Look and Lucky day

2010-12-01T10:47:00.000+02:00

So yesterday I decided that I was bored with my blog template and went in search for something new. I hope you like. Also see the cute feature under the post where you can tick options or share it. I'm not sure I 100% like the new design but it will do for now until I get hold of something else that is even cooler.

A while ago I took part in an online survey on Jobs.co.za you could win a cash prize and today I got a phone call to say I WON!!!! Yay me!! And thanks Jobs.co.za. OMG I'm so stoked I never win stuff!

Yay!!

So let me know what you think of the new blog m'kay :) later!

The great Self Tan Experiment of 2010

2010-11-30T12:02:00.000+02:00

I looked at myself in my new full length mirror. There is absolutely no doubt that I am white. In fact I am so white the glare from my body would require you to wear sunglasses or other protective eye gear. I used to be able to lie in the sun for hours and would emerge a bronze goddess - easy peasy. But I can't anymore. I burn to a crisp within 15 minutes and then turn white again. It's not ayoba.

So I decided that I will try self tan. I bought some spray tan and crossed fingers. I showered and exfoliated and all that and stood in my naked glory in the bedroom and started spraying. My husband thought it was hillarious and gave a running commentary thoughout the whole process. It was surprisingly easy using the spray instead of the cream.

After spraying my entire body and hoping for the best I got into bed and said a quick prayer that I don't wake up the next morning looking like an orange (although it would have been an excellent excuse to not go to work). I woke up this morning a lovely bronze colour yay! But despite washing my hands about 4 times my palms are very "tanned". I tried Domestos, it didn't work. My ankles are also a bit splotchy but a quick scrub with the exfoliator thingie sorted that out. I also have a splotch on my upper leg where water dripped when I washed my hands *sigh* but all in all I would call the experiment a success!

I think I will go to a salon next time though!

Pretty Please!

2010-11-29T14:32:00.000+02:00

I try not to but sometimes I really feel a bit despondent. I have a sharp mind filled to the brim with fab ideas. My problem is that I am either just very unlucky or I just don't have what it takes to make things work. I look at friends and other people around me that start with a little idea and it takes off and they make successful little businesses out of their ideas.

I try and my ideas just never seem to take off. They kind of limp along and then die a quiet death. And it's not because they are bad ideas. I can't figure out where I am going wrong and I get a bit frustrated because I don't understand why things just never seem to work out for me.

Seriously can the Universe not just throw me a freaking bone. Or since I'm clearly to thick to figure out what I am supposed to be doing and how a huge big flashing sign with an arrow pointing to it will do the trick! Pretty-Please-with-a-small-business-that-makes-enough-money-to-support-me-on-top? Thanks in advance! Appreciate it!

I am mad

2010-11-26T12:13:00.000+02:00

Right at this moment I am mad. I am irritated and upset and just mad. It's partly hormonal and I'm mad at the stupid company I work for and also the husband. Spitting mad. I want to rant and rave and I want the world to know how mad I am and I want everyone to agree with me and say "yes we can see why you are mad the way you are being treated is not fair" and then I want hugs and a cup of tea and chocolates.

I am mad at my husband because he has a job that he loves and he sits there all high and mighty with useless placations, he laughs my situation off and makes light of it. That makes me mad. My stupid company couldn't care less that they are putting me in a difficult situation and quite frankly their "dont' care" attitude is not making me feel awfully enthusiastic to go the extra mile.

Having said that - I find myself thinking how I'm always preaching to everyone how we are the masters of our emotions and that we are 100% in charge of how we act/react at any given moment. So I am free to choose if I am mad or I can choose to be not mad. Right at this moment it feels good to be mad to me. But my being mad might cause other people to not feel good because I'm mean right now. I don't feel like I want to let go of my anger just yet. Which leads me to analyze why. At the moment I am not feeling heard, my husband doesn't seem really interested in my predicament (he tries to "cheer me up" by making jokes) my company isn't interested and nobody is bringing me chocolates or tea. So I've come to the conclusion that I actually just want to be a kid again, and have someone else sort everything out for me!

So don't hold out on that time machine - let me have a turn!

Focus Pinky Focus!!

2010-11-22T13:50:00.000+02:00

OK so I posted about my bumper bashing, the insurance let me know today that they are writing the car off as it is "uneconomical to repair"

Now I spoke to my very wise friend Caryn this morning and one of the things that I said was that I was so upset because I consider myself a responsible driver and then something like this happens. She pointed out to me that it's actually a ridiculous statement and that is has nothing to do with being responsible or not.

I realized that maybe the lesson in this for me is to focus more on what I do have and to be more grateful and recognize the blessings that are in my life. To realize that even when everything goes wrong I can still laugh and be happy, that I don't need everything to run smoothly to experience joy. It's such a misconception that I for one have that I think one can only be happy when everything is going well. And it can't be further from the truth, it never only goes well, there is always an issue somewhere. But even when life throws you a curve ball or 2 (or 3) we can still smile, count our blessings and laugh.

My anxiety levels have been sky high making myself crazy with all the "what ifs" and worrying about how we are going to afford car payments (the car was fully paid) etc etc. And every now and then I have to remind myself to breathe.

And actually there are far worse things in life. Sure it's a hassle and an inconvenience and we will have to tighten our belts a bit, but I believe with every ounce of my being that everything happens for a reason and like The Dalai Lama said "Remember not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck" so who knows what lies around the corner!

Some days you just want to eat chocolate

2010-11-18T10:53:00.000+02:00

You know with everything happening in my life right now I am really struggling to keep my head above water. It's really taking all I have to stay positive and to find the lessons and to not be stubborn and hard headed and move forward. But I'm managing.....just....with the exception of throwing a few tantrums and stomping my feet at the Universe.

I'm really just gatvol right now you know? I want it all to stop and for normality to be restored and for it to rain gumdrops and rainbows and fuzzy bunnies every-freaking-where!!

So what happens does it rain gumdrops and are there any rainbows or fuzzy bunnies? Noooooo. What does happen is that I am involved in a little accident. I say little because no one was hurt. My poor car on the other hand did not come off so lightly. The insurance company will probably write it off. Even though I *know* what the lessons are and what the Universe is trying to tell me, it doesn't help me quite so much at this point. I don't want to have to deal with this now. I just don't. I don't want to have to feel like I'm being interrogated by the insurance company, I don't want to have to fake laugh at everyone's jokes about my predicament, I don't want to have to deal with the little stabs implying that I'm a bad driver, I don't want to deal with the money issues from this or any of it. I don't need it and I don't want it. I would much rather just lie in bed, eat chocolates, read my book and pretend that I don't have a care in the world. And when I leave my room I want everything to just be fine. No issues, no nothing.

I just want someone to save me. I want to be hugged and held and treated gently and to be told that everything will be ok and not be shouted at. And I want someone to just make it all ok, just like magic wipe it all out. But nou ja in real life it doesn't work like that. I will have to deal with the insurance company, everyone's lame jokes and assumptions and the tension in the house from the financial implications of the accident. Because lets face it, even though I have insurance there are still costs involved. I will put one foot infront of each other and I will move along and I will try to not think of any bad things and cross every bridge as we get to it.

And every now and then I will go to my room, eat chocolates, read my book and pretend I have not a care in the world (and maybe throw a tantrum or two).

Breathe Me

2010-11-17T11:13:00.000+02:00

I stumbled across this girl while searching for cool songs to work out a pole dancing routine to - I just LOVE this song it's called Breathe me and the artist is Sia

Breathe Me - Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Year End Blues

2010-11-11T09:13:00.000+02:00

I have just come to the realization that we are entering/have entered that phase of the year where everyone is cranky, tired and just plain gatvol. I'm so glad it's not only me!!

Urgh everything is a mission for me at the moment. I drag myself out of bed in the mornings, have to give myself a 30 minute pep talk to pick up the broom or unpack the dishwasher. I actually did consider sticking a dirty fork in my eye instead of doing my chores at one point. Can I just say that it sucks not having help when you work full time and have a busy schedule!

And everyone I come across feels the same, tired/cranky and gatvol! At least this year we get to go on holiday to the coast, the last time we were there was the year my son turned 1!! Family holidays are always a bit challenging but the way I feel now I will even share a room with my in laws if it means I can spend some time on the beach. Only 36 sleeps to go!!!!

Yikes only 36 sleeps also to get my body into a semi decent shape to squeeze into a bikini and not have my flabble spill over the top of my pants! I have been doing very well actually and am proud of myself! I am amazed at how much the poling is firming and toning me up! It's awesome! I also have my exercise ball by the tv so if I do watch something I get on the ball and do crunches. So dilligent!

Well there is a whole 3 paragraphs yacking a whole lot about nothing really LOL! I am not feeling very inspired, the cogs in my brain are turning rather slowly, my body is preserving all it's energy to perform vital functions like keeping my heart beating and breathing.

Later ...

If you can't speak geek

2010-11-09T13:54:00.000+02:00

If you are a girl who loves new gadgets and cool stuff but can't be bothered to try and decipher geek then hop on over to GirlGuides.co.za.

The site is a collective of fabulous girls who test out and review all the latest and coolest must have's in gadgets and technology and post their reviews on the site in understandable language for us mere mortals who can not speak geek. In addition they also give advise on how to get the most out of your technology no matter how big or small. The site is user friendly, easy to understand and most importantly girl friendly ♥

They also have fabulous give-aways (but shhhhh don't tell anyone!!)

I have a dream

2010-11-08T13:19:00.000+02:00

You know what, I have always been content and accepting of the fact that I have a job, I do it well and it's fine. I don't get excited about it much, it's a source of income and honestly if I didn't HAVE to I would happily occupy my time running my kids around and pottering in different things that I actually find pleasure in.

Now you ask why I don't do that - potter around with things I find pleasure in, the short answer is that well I do, but it's doesn't bring nearly enough money into the household for us to live comfortably or even to pay 1 bill. So I do these things in my spare time and mostly my little ventures does not do that well because I don't have the time or resources etc to actually manage or market it properly.

Recently it has played on my mind a lot that I also want a job that I feel satisfied/fulfilled/excited about. I want to wake up every morning excited to go to work and when I am at work I want to feel like I make a difference, that I enjoy what I do and that I am not wasting my time. It's becoming a source of increasing displeasure for me that I go through my days and spend most of my waking hours doing something that I don't really want to do.

I've always been able to find comfort in the fact that I can balance it out with activities that I do love in my spare time but I find myself a bit up in arms that I should have to do that. I am tired of settling, I want better.

I have a dream, it's a big one. I have this vision of this place I want to open and I want to do it with my Mom. But at this point I can't see how that can happen, neither one of us have the collateral to take out the rather large loan it would require and then there is the ever inevitable "what if it fails". So for now I will put it out there and see what the Universe throws back at me, I want this.

Overwhelmed

2010-11-04T09:17:00.000+02:00

I always thought that I was the kind of person that didn't let their personal issues affect work, but when people you have contact with outside of your home/friend circle starts pointing out that you are "snappy" and "immediately get your back up" then you have to re-evaluate what you think of yourself. Clearly the facade is slipping. I guess it also doesn't help that I am unhappy at work. I have it from everywhere at the moment *sigh*

I admit that I am so tense and stressed at the moment that I do tend to snap at things that normally won't bug me. I can't even remember what it feels like to be all chilled and relaxed anymore, even when I'm relaxed I'm stressed. Things just feel like it's getting a bit too much for me at the moment. I am indeed miserable.

I am having a "I wish I could just run away to India and meditate for 3 months" moment. And I'm wondering why it is so hard for me to just be happy and to find my place in the sun and bask and glow ... anyway I said yesterday that it doesn't help that I moan.

I am taking steps to something about the things that are causing me grief and strain, I'm just a "I want it and I want it all now" kind of girl, so I guess patience is called for.

I am

2010-11-03T12:19:00.000+02:00

I am a melting pot of emotions at the moment, I don't even know where to start. Times like these I normally retreat into my shell and pick through the threads one at a time and sort it out. I actually feel like stomping my feet and throwing a mini tantrum at the Universe LOL. Not to take away from the positive things that are happening but the turmoil is kinda overshadowing that at the moment. I sometimes wonder why everything has to happen all at once, why can't the devine plan things that it happens in bits...eish.

Anyway I feel like all I've been doing the past 3 weeks is moan and moaning aint going to do anyone any good. So I will rather focus on the positive and fight to stay with my head above water, I refuse to be sucked down into the vortex of the black abyss.

I am worthy
I am powerful
I am Love
I am deserving
I am independant
I have an open heart and mind

I know and understand that I am a child of infinite love and possibility, I am everything and nothing. I am the mountains, the sea, the sand, the trees, the air.

I am. I am not.

I am ever changing, ever learning.

I am.

Oh my Goodness

2010-11-02T10:09:00.000+02:00

My last blog post was the 22nd of October! Yikes! That has been way too long!

A lot of things have been happening and also not happening LOL (could I sound any more cryptic?!). I've been focussed on my self and family a bit and working through some stuff. But it's all good. Some good points, my Mom moved back from the middle of nowhere and is temporarily with my sister (yay!). There may be some good news today related to this post so hold thumbs for me ok!!

I went with my BFF on a girls night out Friday to watch Daughtry live, it was SO much fun oh my goodness!! We had the best time which included telling off a mean little man in a big white BMW, loads of beer and dancing, 24 hour pizza, pink taxi cab and getting home almost 2:00am! The husband was away for the weekend and the kids and I had a really chilled relaxing weekend. Saturday we dropped our boxes for Santa Shoebox Project and went trick or treating afterward (even though Halloween was only on Sunday but whatever).

It's going well with the poling, still having so much fun with it!!

And I don't really have much to say other than that. When I get my good news I will make a post on that. For now I'm really nervous LOL and the waiting is KILLING me!!!

Pole dancing

2010-10-22T10:54:00.000+02:00

Remember the awesome gift that I wrote about the other day? Well I received it :) A week early, so much excitement. I have recently taken up pole dancing for exercise and to get my body in shape. And let me tell you it's not as easy as it looks. Oh and there is a huge difference between the "pole dancing" you see in strip clubs and proper pole dancing - it is classified as a sport you know LOL. It takes a lot of strength and flexibility to pull off some of the moves and it takes a lot of courage and mental letting go. But yes it definitely is meant to be sexy as well.

So here is my pole:

Mrs Rautenbach has been an AWESOME teacher and is turning out to be a great friend as well. So watch this space for updates on my progress and maybe a pic or two.

Stuck in a rut

2010-10-19T09:40:00.000+02:00

You know how sometimes in life we get stuck in a space and things seem to go around in an endless loop. The same routine, the same things, the same fights, the same events no growth, no change, no moving forward.

Well we were in a space like that. I was feeling very comfortable in the space at the time, happily plodding along, turning a blind eye to all the red flags. Then the bomb was dropped and I was sucked down the rabbit hole and the queen of hearts wanted "off with my head".

I learned that just as I have issues and had to work through feelings of not wanting to be married, resenting my partner, pretending to be happy and yearning for something else and something more than what I had. Surprise, surprise my partner also had the same feelings. Albeit years after I had my moment but I guess that is one of the disadvantages of being married to a someone younger than you. I deal with things internally but my husband has a flair for the dramatic so his moment quickly escalated into something really ugly and hurtful. At the end of the day (weekend) we eventually calmed down and could have constructive discussion and addressed issues and decided to move forward together.

I have learned so much about myself this weekend, including that I was completely caught up in a victim mentality and for the first time in my life I let go of my super large inferiority complex. I learned that I actually am awesome, I deserve to have whatever my heart desires, I deserve to have the life that I desire and I learned that I am as stronger than I ever imagined. I learned that if you say "I forgive" that you also have to let go and forget. I learned that if you sift through all the crap everything is about love, giving, wanting and feeling that you are loved. I also learned that I have the best anyway friend in the world ♥ my friends are really awesome and for the first time I believe it when they tell me they love me and that I am awesome. I believe that they really will stick by me through thick and thin. And I also learned that my husband will do the same.

A friend ♥ sent me this yesterday and it could not be more true for me at the moment - I feel awakened:

True Wisdom
Author Unknown

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave; how you should look and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should shop; and what you should drive how and where you should live; and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children; or what you owe your parents.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love...and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms...just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely...
And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state-the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

So who knows where we will end up. But we pick ourselves off and dust ourselves off and we put our all in because that is what we choose. And we know we deserve joy, love and happiness and that we will not settle for less.

Private or not private

2010-10-14T11:22:00.000+02:00

My husband and I are having this debate at the moment about privacy within a relationship. I feel that in order to trust there should be no secrets and complete transparency about everything. He knows all my passwords, sites I'm registered on my banking passwords everything. I know none of his. He feels that some things should be private.

What and how much do you share in your relationship? Do you think some things should be private or do you share everything with your partner?

My ideal job

2010-10-14T10:25:00.000+02:00

So I'm job hunting in earnest at the moment. So instead of getting despondent after only a couple of weeks lol I thought that in order to help the manifestation of this job to actually write down what I would like in this awesome new job that I will snag.

To me work environment is almost more important than the actual work, I can cope with anything but if the people and the company sucks then it's not worth my while. I said/thought the other day that I didn't get why people work like slaves for a company and will work until all hours of the night, but maybe it's because I've never been in a job/worked for a company that I have passion for and that I love. Kinda sad isn't it.

Anyway so lets get down to what my ideal position would be:

The job description doesn't really matter but I don't want to be so busy that I am not able to finish what I need to do by the end of the day. I would love to take conducting training further, I love working with people and I don't mind a bit of sales.
The people/company has to be awesome, dynamic, forward thinking human beings that understands the importance of family and individual wellness and doesn't mind if I want to go early to watch a ballet concert or netball game. Even better would be halfday!
The actual environment has to be soothing to the senses.
Ideally in a creative industry or working with environmental/human causes or social media
It has to be close to home so that I don't have to travel too far and get stressed in traffic.
My ideal salary would be R** ***.00 not too stressed about benefits but if they could contribute to the fund I have now it would be great.
I would love to start as soon as I can get out of my current position and they must not mind that I am going on leave in December.

So that is all for now I think. See I said environment is more important LOL

The Art of Receiving

2010-10-12T09:26:00.000+02:00

Yesterday something really awesome happened to me. I was given a very generous most awesome gift - something that I really really want and probably could've bought myself in a couple of months if everything went according to plan. When this person phoned me and said they wanted to gift me this, my first reaction was to say thanks but I'll pay you back.

When we finished our conversation and I put the phone down I got to thinking. This person out of her own accord with no hinting or asking from me decided that she wanted to do this for me. Why then did I feel that I couldn't accept this gift. It's like someone giving you a birthday present and you saying thanks but how much do I owe you. Doesn't make sense.

I know me for one I'm always working on abundance, giving, feeling but I never work on receiving. Now how can I expect to receive in abundance if I can't accept the 'gifts' (and I don't only mean literal or stuff) that the Universe gives me. So it was also a huge lightbulb moment for me. The Universe is continually giving us things, it can be big things or little things in different shapes and forms. It can be someone gifting us something, or an opportunity. How many times to we say YES and THANK YOU and receive with grace? How many times do we look the proverbial gift horse in the mouth and say thanks but no.

Me I'm a giver, I give and give and give and every so often I get just the teensiest bit resentful because my cup sometimes runs empty. But how many times do I say no without even realizing. I learned that in order to live a life of abundance it's equally important to receive than to give.

I have accepted the gift and boy oh boy is it going to be ever so much fun using it!

Thank you ♥

Randomness

2010-10-11T14:27:00.000+02:00

I'm too cross today to make a proper blog post without spewing profanities all over the internet and being all yuck and negative and sticky. So instead I will post this fun thing - if you do it on your blog remember to tag back I love to see everyone's answers :)

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Copy and paste into your notes and answer the questions.

Pick Your Artist: The Pixies

Are you male or female: Is she weird

Describe yourself: Where is my mind?

How do you feel about yourself: The sad punk

Describe where you currently live: Palace of the brine

If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Space (I believe in)

Your best friends are: Nimrod's son & Allison

Your favourite colour is: Silver

You know: Monkey's gone to heaven

What's the weather like: Lovely day

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called? Wave of mutilation

What is life to you: Gouge away

What is the best advice you have to give: Dig for fire

If you could change your name, what would it be: Velouria

Your favourite food is: Cactus

Walk with me

2010-10-08T13:59:00.000+02:00

Yesterday on the way to drop my little 3 year old son at school he says to me "Mommy today I will walk alone, you don't have to walk to my class with me". Me: "Sure my boy that's awesome!".

We get to school and as he is putting his little backpack on his back he looks up at me and says "Mommy I think maybe you should rather walk with me, incase my legs get tired" I take his hand and say "OK my baby, Mommy will walk with you".

Life is a little like that isn't it? We are full of bravado and beat our chest and say that we don't need anyone we can go it alone. But sometimes our legs get tired and then we need someone to walk with us. Sometimes it's a good thing to walk alone and do things alone but sometimes I need someone to walk with me and support me. I am very thankful and grateful that I have people in my life that understand that sometimes I must walk alone but when I need it, someone will walk with me when my legs get tired. I only hope that my kids will always feel they can come to me when their legs get tired..

What's the use of having a mind if you can't change it

2010-10-07T13:37:00.000+02:00

I often find it frustrating how quickly my kids can change their minds, they want this then ten minutes later they don't want this anymore they want that. It can be a bit exhausting and exasperating. But all they are doing is they are in tune and aligned with their immediate needs. And whey feel that they need my help (or change their minds) they ask with no guilt or shame.

Us adults can definitely take that as a lesson from our kids. How many of us (me included) will rather die than ask for help or feel guilty when we change our minds about something or say no. And for what? If I do something that I really don't want to do it's not to the benefit of anyone so would it not just be better to just say no?! Or when I need help ask someone without feeling ashamed or guilty (again).

I wonder at which point and why we unlearn to be so in tune with ourselves? Logically it makes sense to take care of our needs and not do things that we don't feel aligned with. Why do we then force ourselves to do things that we don't really want to? Or is it just me. I must admit that I do know adults that have no problems saying No or when you ask them to do something and they don't feel like it will just say so and not do it. See I will begrudgingly do it even if I express that I don't want to.

LOL clearly something I need to work on!

My thoughts today..

2010-10-07T09:42:00.000+02:00

About 3 years ago my friend Carina and I decided that we are so hilarious and awesome and profound that we actually need to write a book so that we can share our collective wisdom with the world. Needless to say we aren't published authors (yet!!) and we are only on chapter 4, that's just over a chapter a year, so you may have to wait a while to read our master piece LOL!! Yesterday I grabbed what we wrote so far from the archives and added another chapter. This is what I wrote:

I seem to be the weakest link in this chain of writing. Since Chapter 3 a load of time has passed (again) and a lot has changed. That seems to be the only constant in life doesn’t it. Change. Even if to us it feels like things pretty much stay the same or at a certain point in time it seems like you will never reach that goal or that things will never change, or trying to avoid and run from change. That is the only thing you can ever count on and that is that things will indeed change.

I look at myself and my life and 3 years ago when Carina and I started writing this, I never thought that I would be here where I am now. Some things are still the same’ish but other things have changed in profound ways. 3 Years ago my life was in chaos, I wanted out. Out, out, out. Control + alt + delete, End Task. I wanted to get out of my marriage out of my life and I didn’t want any of it anymore. So I made some tough choices including that I will not get divorced and that it is time for me to make some major changes. I put one foot in front of the other and just kept going, what else can one do, life doesn’t stand still for us while we try to figure things out or find ourselves. It keeps going, the sun comes up, it sets, you need to get the groceries and put petrol in your car, wipe noses, pack lunches and mop the floor, life happens.

Change is uncomfortable and scary it takes us out of comfort zone and makes us face things that we would rather keep buried. But unfortunately or rather fortunately we can’t move on until we face those demons and work through the battles. I am not going to sit here and preach about how I breezed through and how I am now miraculously happy and shiny. Life does not work that way. There is always something else we need to face or learn or do or want or achieve. I get pissed off at God and rage at the Universe sometimes I wonder what the point is. Often I have wanted to give up and thought that it’s just too hard. But when things are tough and difficult it doesn’t mean that one has to be unhappy. A positive attitude really does go a long way, that and acceptance. This is something that I have not perfected yet by the way. Acceptance, and to realize that if your life was meant to be different it would be. Simple as that. In our state of being there is no way that we can ever see or grasp the bigger picture, so we need to just trust that the path we are on will lead us where we are meant to go. Some people have an easy path in this life and some hard but it’s the path you have chosen and it’s the path you are meant to be taking.

The best I can do while travelling along my path is to embrace whatever I come across. To learn what I can, to love. I was reminded that “God dwells within me as me” (Elizabeth from Eat Pray Love). I know that where ever I go and life takes me or throws at me that at the core my highest good is always taken into consideration. What I have learned and know with every fibre of my being is that no matter how bad things seem to be at any point in time, I will get through it. Maybe a bit battered and bruised or cynical and jaded but I will know something I never knew before, I will have learned something, faced something and conquered something. I will have evolved. I believe that if we can accept what we have now. Good or bad that doors will open, things will happen and it can only go better. We get so caught up in everyday life, chasing that dream and that far off goal wanting more, wanting different, that we forget about what we have right here under our noses. How can we ever expect God to give us more if we aren’t happy with what we have now?

What's what!

2010-10-04T08:50:00.000+02:00

After a very frustrating week at work I had such an awesome weekend!

It was my early Friday so I got to leave at 3:00pm halleluyah! On Saturday morning I had a Pole Dancing class, not the Teazers or Lollipop Lounge kind, the fitness kind. And OMF ow, when I can move around again without going "ow ow ow" I will attempt a proper blog post telling you how freaking awesome it is. My friend C is helping me with it and she is just awesome! And fyi it's not as easy as it looks.

Saturday night the husband and I went to Sexpo and had a bunch of fun. The kids slept over at the inlaws and we partied like 20-year olds. On our way home we stopped at Risque had a few drinks danced a lot and went home I think we only got to bed at about 4:00am!! I am finished LOL!!

Needless to say on Sunday I was about as useful as a bucket with a hole in it! I did do some stretches last night which helped with the stiffness and had a nice loooong bath in my Therific Naturals magnesium sulphate bath salts which really helped a lot! That stuff is awesome, just sayin!

So all in all a good weekend! Here's to a good week filled with good news for me :)

Death and dying

2010-09-30T19:38:00.000+02:00

My husband went to a family members funeral today. This morning getting dressed he asked me what I thought he should wear. I said what he would normally wear to work, chinos and a button up shirt. He wanted to know if he should wear black, my response? Gawd please no!!

Which got me thinking about my funeral. I know it's a bit of a morbid topic but you know whatever lol. I don't have issues with death or dying.

I actually don't really care what people do when I die. I am dead afterall and would probably be way too busy trying to negotiate that I don't have to re-incarnate and just stay up there. But the people who stay behind care so everyone listen up.

I am a registered organ donar so whatever can be used must be used - I will be dead so will not be using those organs anymore. I don't want to be buried, I can't see the point in using up space when I'm dead, I want to be cremated and if it matters plant a tree and visit it if you miss me. I really don't care what you do with the ashes but please don't stash it somewhere and let it gather dust, dust should never be allowed to gather dust! And remember just because someone is dead doesn't mean they are gone.

I would prefer a happy bright affair at the memorial lol have a braai and drink a lot and laugh and no one should wear black please or well do if it will make you feel better, I'll be dead so it won't bug me that much! I know death is sad for the people who stay behind because the person that is gone will be missed. But at the end of the day it doesn't matter so much what you do after, it matters what you do while you are still alive.

Spend the time, say the I love you's, make the visits, lie with your head on your loved one's lap, hold them, cuddle them, love them. What matters is now.

Much about nothing

2010-09-29T11:30:00.000+02:00

I haven't blogged much over the last week or so. I have lots of internal things going on that I'm not ready to verbalize yet and I don't have much to say and nothing is really happening at the moment. Well maybe that's not entirely true.

We went with friends to the lowveld for the long weekend. It was really nice and the landscape is just beautiful out there. I always feel anxious when we go away with people though, my husband is .... different and I'm always convinced that people will never speak to me again and run far away after spending too much time with us in one go LOL. The weekend was still wonderful though and a much needed break. We played 30 seconds and Laura and her boyfriend D is the undisputed 30 seconds couples champions. And the girls won against the boys, proving that we are indeed superior! And we drank a lot!!! And braaied every night it was awesome! It is always the best to spend time with my BFF ♥

I planted some veggies this week which is awesome! I can't wait for them to grow so I can harvest them. We also made some changes in the way we shop and what we buy which I am very happy about.

I'm also job hunting so if you know of anything let me know okay!!

I wish you enough ♥ and in the words if the wise Ghandhi - Be the change you want to see in the world. I think I may actually have that tattoo'd somewhere sometime ...

I need to

2010-09-27T10:26:00.000+02:00

This weekend we went away with friends. Laura was feeling sick and David was nursing a headache. I offered them both medication and Laura jokingly said that I just wanted to give someone medicine (or something like that). I blurted out "I need to do something to make someone feel better"

That was a HUGE a-ha moment for me.

And I realized that I do that all the time. I actually NEED to do things for people to make them feel better. That can't be healthy right? I do it without even thinking about it and I never thought that I 'needed' to help people. I always thought that I wanted to do it. But there is a big difference between needing and wanting isn't there.

Analyzing this 'need' to help people I realize that it stems from a lot of things and that it can be different in different situations and it's luckily not always a 'need' but it does concern me that it is one at all.

I'm still figuring it out. It's a new realization for me.

Why do we shout when angry?

2010-09-23T12:48:00.000+02:00

I found this beautiful piece on Paulho Colho's blog and just had to share. Isn't it beautiful!!

A master asked his disciples:
‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’
the disciples thought for a while, and one of them said:

‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’
‘But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you? ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’
The disciples gave him some other answers but none satisfied the master.

Finally he explained:
‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’

Then the master asked:
‘What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’

And he finally said:
‘When they love each other even more, what happens?
‘They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love.
‘Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’

Pigspotter

2010-09-17T09:13:00.000+02:00

OK so to tie in with my little traffic rant of the other day. This douche bag takes it to another level. Pigspotter Tweets "Warnings" to motorists where the police are setting up roadblocks and trapping and pulling people off that are talking/texting while driving. He has publicly promised to stop "reporting" on roadblocks (yes I guess the importance of roadblocks escaped your faulty logic hey!) but he will continue reporting on where the Police are trying to do their jobs and trap speedsters and other reckless idiots.

Great job!! That's exactly what we want isn't it. Let's warn douche bags on the road so that they can go talking and texting on their cellphones while driving and speed like they are racing on Kyalami because they aren't criminals breaking the law (I'm being sarcastic for incase anyone missed that).

I'm guessing the 10 000+ people that follow this twat on Twitter are the same ones who speed and talk and text on their cellphones while driving or don't strap in their kids, or my personal favourite refuses to yield for ambulances and other emergency vehicles. I say the Police should arrest them all including Pigspotter for obstructing and defeating the ends of justice. Right there an entire database of douche bags 10 000+ of them! Publish all their names so that the rest of us law abiding citizens can see who it is that doesn't care about endangering other motorists or pedestrians personal safety.

I (obviously) don't think that what this guy does is noble in any shape or form. If he really was so concerned and his intention is to curb speeding, he wouldn't be making the pig references and he would be willing to listen to and/or come to some sort of agreement to really assist the SAPS. The SAPS isn't perfect, but they aren't all bad either. What this guy is doing is counter productive. In my mind unacceptable. What are your views about Pigspotter and what he does.

Santa Shoebox Project

2010-09-16T10:58:00.000+02:00

Santa Shoebox Project is an inspiring community initiative, that collects uniquely personalized Christmas gifts for socially disadvantaged youth. Equally, the project is about parents teaching their own children the joy of giving.

A gift to be shared with a child from a distinctly vulnerable social background, who may never before have received a Christmas gift. The project is unique in that the donor knows the name, age, gender and residence of the child the gift is intended for.

The project started in Cape Town in 2006 spearheaded by the founder of Kidz2Kidz, Dee Boehner. In 2007 Irene’ Pieters was appointed national co-ordinator and in 2008 the Santa Shoebox Project joined forces with a similar organization from Somerset West.

Since then, the project has grown in leaps and bounds and the numbers have grown from 180 Santa Shoeboxes in 2006, to 2000 boxes in 2007, 8000 in 2008 to 16000 in 2009, exceeding the target by 30% - 50% year on year. In 2009 the Santa Shoebox Project reached into all corners of South Africa and in 2010 also into Namibia and Botswana. Each country supporting their own children.

The management is run entirely by volunteers. Kind hearted people who give their time, effort and expertise without being remunerated for it. Satellite projects have sprung up not only in the big cities but include many small country towns as well. All run by volunteers taking the responsibility of acting as co-ordinators for their areas.

How can you help?
The prosperity and success of this project is dependent solely on its volunteers. You can choose between being a volunteer or a co-ordinator of a satellite project in your area.

If you would like to volunteer some of your time and expertise please mosey on over to their website and fill your details in.

Help them reach their target of collecting 26 000 boxes this year.

Stop driving like assholes

2010-09-15T09:02:00.000+02:00

This is a rant post - so please take note if you are offended easily click the red cross on the top right hand corner of your screen now because I will be saying fuck and shit and asshole a lot.

I am up to HERE with people on the roads. And no not taxi's you all drive like fucking idiots. When you did your drivers license, did you not see the part where is says "BE CONSIDERATE TO OTHERS ON THE ROAD" or "KEEP LEFT PASS RIGHT". In fact did your Mothers not teach you any manners? Because common courtesey should be taught at home in anyways.

What makes you so special that you think it's ok to drive in the oncoming traffic lane to cut infront of the line of cars and cut in front of people. What makes you more important that you think it's ok to just cut someone off, or pull out of a parked position into flowing traffic without bothering to indicate. What makes you exempt from following the rules of the road aka THE FREAKING LAW. Do you not think 2 seconds ahead and plan your freaking route so that you change lanes in a timeous manner? Are you so selfish that you just don't give a shit about inconveniencing everyone else and disrupting the flow of traffic? Did you Mother not teach you how to share? Because yes asshole, we all share the freakin road it's not just there for you. If everyone followed the freaking rules, there would be no issues.

Every day I am absolutely gobsmacked at the total disregard of the law and lack of consideration to other people on our roads. And what is worse is that you the douche who drives like an ass you are raising another generation of roadhogs. Because you think it's ok to completely disregard the law you are teaching your kids that it's ok. For incase you also missed that lesson kids learn by example.

So no asshole in the BMW it's not ok for you to weave in and out of traffic, and no little chickie in the blue Tata contrary to what you think and the bumper sticker on your car says - the road actually does NOT belong to you.

You all need to fucking learn some manners. Now go to your rooms and think about what you did!

The end!

Facebook

2010-09-14T10:57:00.000+02:00

I have to just get this off my chest and get some other opinions on this matter.

Facebook and Facebook friends.

I have 176 Facebook friends. Now no offence to anyone but clearly not all of those people are my bosom buddy who I share my deepest darkest secrets with. Some of those people are strangers so they have restricted access to my profile. Some are near and dear friends some are family and some are colleagues and others are people that I know from a forum I used to be a part of so I know them but I don't if you know what I mean. In other words I have never had a conversation with some of them in Real Life and/or have no relationship with them. And others are people that I have friended or friended me through meeting on FB.

Now I have met some really awesome people on the internet that I have never had a real life conversation with but that I chat to regularly on email or private message or sms. Those people I have placed in the RL (real life) friend category (and hopefully you all know who you are LOL).

What I don't get - is why people that both them and I know are not friends in real life, we have never had a conversation in real life, nor exchanged phone numbers or email addresses and have never communicated to each other in any way would take offence when I de-friend them. Fek man. Come on. If we aren't really friends why get offended if I remove you from my friends list. And who has the time to sit and monitor their friends list and checks who defriends them.

Every now and again I go through my friends list and I take people off that I have had no communication with what so ever so no message on my wall, no email, no phone communication. Because I figure if you are on my friends list and you make no effort and I make no effort to communicate then clearly we are not friends and then honestly it's creepy that you are on my friends list.I have had instances where people have taken a rather huge amount of offence. And I really dont' get it.

More recently someone has taken offense for me de-friending them and I have no recollection of ever having them as a "friend" on my FB profile. I haven't gone through my friends list recently so if they ever were on my friend list they would've been de-friended about 6 months ago already anyways (if they were even on my friends list).This person (who by the way I have no issues with) instead of talking to me and asking (we all also know that sometimes things go wrong in FB) or trying to get to the bottom of the situation sent me a nasty message, I did reply to her saying that I had no problem with her and that I don't even think we ever were FB friends, which I have had no response on. So maybe she is feeling embarresed for being a bit immature about it or she blocked me which is even more immature. I must admit that I was upset because she was so nasty. I have been de-friended and I honestly and truly have never taken offense to someone de-friending me. What I don't get even more is why the offended person doesn't contact me directly and say: "Look I saw you de-friended me, I would like to know why" but noooooooo instead people immediately assume you hate them and you don't like them. FFS grow up people.

Let me now state for the record that if I have a problem with anyone, I will send you an email or message and discuss the problem in a (hopefully) mature manner BEFORE I de-friend you okay! I assume that you will do the same if you ever have some kind of problem with me. Only someone with the maturity of shrimp will defriend an actual friend with no explanation. And honestly if we have never had a conversation and I defriend you, I really don't need to explain myself.

Fek these things shouldn't even be an issue in the first place!

Anxious

2010-09-13T15:37:00.001+02:00

Today I woke up feeling anxious. My heart is beating in my throat, my stomach is twisting and turning, my palms are sweaty and I have this feeling of impending doom. So as a result I'm slightly snappy and irate.

Absolutely no reason for me to feel this way. Everything is as it should be. I am doing fairly well to keep it contained and I haven't completely went off the deep end. But as I sit here typing my heart is beating hard and fast in my chest.

I have never labelled this as a problem. I always thought that is just how people are, everyone feels like this every once in a while. It's normal. I guess we all have different perceptions of what normal is. And appently it's not normal to feel anxious every now and then?

I'm breathing and trying to focus on things that make me feel less anxious for now. And hopefully tomorrow morning when I wake up I won't feel like this.

You can't lie about murders - Mthethwa

2010-09-10T09:58:00.000+02:00

In an article on news24 this is what our Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa said on Thursday. Statistics show an 8.6% drop in the murder rate. Furthermore The South African Police Service's (SAPS) crime statistician, Commissioner Chris de Kok, said research had shown that most murders involved people who knew each other, such as spouses. A considerable number involved alcohol consumption.

I personally think that it's a significant achievement and shows that our government is doing something about the high crime rates in our country.

Yet in a poll that news24 has on their front page asking people to vote on what they thought about the drop 75% of people voted "it's still nothing to be proud of". SEVENTY FIVE %!! Excuse me? WTF?! There is just no pleasing some people is there? I have to wonder what figure would those people be happy with? I wonder how loud they would've moaned if there was no change or a rise? For goodness sake people!

The overall negativity upsets me. What is it with people?

I am and continue to be Proudly South African and yes the drop isn't astronomical. But it's a drop, it's an improvement and any improvement is good in my book, it shows movement in the right direction. And that is my 5c on the subject. What is your opinion (please discuss even if yours if different from mine)?

Excuse me, sir, But is this what they call denial

2010-09-09T14:24:00.000+02:00

These posts don't seem to be very popular but I'm going to keep posting them anyway - seeing as though it's my blog and all :P

I just L-O-V-E Lily Allen, she isn't scared to say fuck or tell it exactly as it is. I'm going to post the lyrics of her song "Kabul shit" here for you to read today. It's a good song, it makes sense, it makes us *hopefully* think!!

There's a hole in our logic
There's a hole in the sky
And one day just like magic
We're all going to die
'Cause we didn't turn the lights off
And we didn't take the bus
Even though we know we should have
Oh, silly old us

Well we should have recycled
And saved our resources
While there's still someone else's
Someone call the armed forces
And we'll blame it on terror
Also known as religion
But we shouldn't feel guilt
For protecting our children

Excuse me, sir
But is this what they call denial
Just to carry on regardless
We'll only do it for a while
We'll carry on straight down the line
Down the road to nowhere
Do you know where it is leading us
And do we even wanna go there

I don't have the answers
I don't know where we start
Start to pick up all the pieces
Of everything we've torn apart
Now, you'd think that we'd be grateful
For the fact we've got a choice
Instead we throw it back at people
Who don't even have a voice

And the teachers always told us
Told us we should love thy neighbor
And my mother always told me
Told me I should vote new labor
But I don't know who to trust
And I just find it all confusing
All as useless as each other
Past the point of being amusing

Excuse me, sir
But is this what they call denial
Just to carry on regardless
We'll only do it for a while
We'll carry on straight down the line
Down the road to nowhere
Do you know where it is leading us
And do we even wanna go there

It went so well!

2010-09-08T20:05:00.000+02:00

I haven't blogged. I'm too tired, the cogs of my brain are turning to slowly to string coherent sentences together. I have been doing really great in my exercise routine. But I literally have been too tired this week, if breathing wasn't something that just happened I would have just stopped doing it because it takes too much energy.

I don't understand! I'm eating well, taking supplements, exercising. Why am I so tired? Why?

I did however manage to do some shopping today, browsing Junkmail I happened across a great bargain, a bed for Christian, exactly what I wanted for an absolute steal. We went to look at it today and it looks brand new, it's in mint condition. My uber fab shopping spree only made me feel better for like 15 minutes though, then I was tired again.

OK so I am switching my pc off now, so I can go be tired somewhere else.

*yawn*

Does "Mother" equal "Martyr"?

2010-09-06T19:06:00.000+02:00

When we decide to have children, we know our lives will change. But we don't know how much until we hold that little bundle in our arms. Our lives change in ways that we never thought possible when we have children and it's not something that people who do not have children understand until they take the plunge themselves.

As parents it is our responsibility to guide our children to learn their life lessons, we have to teach them about life and how to be a responsible human being. We all do that within our frame of reference. When we have children we willingly make sacrifices, we cancel the braai because our kid has a 39 degree temperature, we buy the Barbie instead of the killer heels we saw on special. We do these things willingly and out of love, not duty. As Mothers we have something in common, other than children - we tend to make our children the centre of our Universe, we live for them, we breathe for them. Which begs the question: When does looking after your kids become neglecting yourself, and when does looking after yourself become neglecting your kids?"

Who was it that decided that when woman have kids, they have to give up their hopes, dreams, put their careers on hold, sacrifice their individuality and become "Mothers"? It takes two to make a baby, so presumably it takes 2 to raise one. Why does the bulk of the responsibility fall on the Mother. Who decided that when a woman who has children pursues a career that she is a "bad Mom", who decided that when a woman has interests other than her children or their interests that she is a "bad Mom", who decided that when we have children our lives have to revolve around our children and their needs. Who decided that our needs are secondary to our children's?

I love my children with everything within me, I will do almost anything for them. I am not for one second sorry that had children, they bring me joy and enrich my life in ways that I have never thought possible. But my entire life doesn't revolve around them. It took me many years of losing myself, my identity as Nicci, as a wife, a woman to realize that for me at least, I don't have to sacrifice who I am to be a mother. Mother is simply a part of me, it isn't what defines me. I make sacrifices to give them things, but for me it's important to remember that children don't want or need things, things are important to us as adults, kids don't care about things. They care about how many giggles and cuddles you've had, they care about how much time you've spent with them, they care about how much love you shower them with. Things make us feel better. They don't matter.

I have realized that I don't have to give up doing things that bring me joy, things that fulfill me to be a Mother, sometimes it's ok to do something for me. It's ok to every so often buy that pair of killer heels. Or take that hour or two to go do a yoga class. I suppose like everything in life we have to find that healthy balance between giving too much and giving too little. And we have to do what feels right and what fits our families. We are so quick to judge each other, instead of standing together in understanding of each other. Each and every one of us do the best we can with what we have.

So wether you choose to have a career, to breastfeed or not breastfeed or to take half a day to go to the spa with your best friend. Whether you decide to send your kids to private school or public school, to smack them or not to smack them. To feed them sweets or only give them organic food. Lets remember that we are all in the same boat, we are all Mothers and keep in mind that besides being a Mother, you are also a wife, a lover, an employee or employer, a woman. Never neglect yourself for anyone, including your children, you and how you live your life is their frame of reference, they will do what you do. I want my daughter to grow up strong, confident being able to stand up for herself and make choices based on what is best for her. She will never learn that from me if I am a martyr and sacrifice myself for them.

Being a Mother is and should never be a sacrifice, or selling myself short or depriving myself of something, being a Mother is a labour of love. It is the best, most important and hardest job I will ever have and through the joys and trials and tribulations of parenthood I can still just be me also.

The Best Average

2010-09-06T10:36:00.000+02:00

I am 33 years old, I still do not know what I want to do in life. I have a job. I thought I knew what my life purpose was. But thruth be told, I do not know. I have always felt that I was going to do something great, I will make a difference, I will be extra ordinary. But so far, I have been completely and utterly ordinary, very average, if not below average.

I have not discovered the secret to happiness, I have not made a profound impact on anything or anyone, I have not made a change or made a difference. If what I thought I needed to do was meant to be it would've been by now, it wouldn't be a struggle to make it happen.

Which brings me to think that in this life, maybe I am meant to be average, maybe I'm meant to just have a job that means nothing, maybe I'm meant to just be a Mom, a friend, a wife an employee. Maybe I'm just meant to plod along. Maybe I'm here to learn to be the best average that I can be. Maybe in years to come when people look back they are supposed to go "you know that Nicci, she was average, she is the best example of average".

So do I make peace with my fate and aspire to be the best average I can be. Do I keep on trying and failing, Do I just plod along and hope for something better? It's not in my nature to not try, how does the saying go - "better to have tried and failed than never to have tried at all". Because despite all my trying and failing and not knowing, I still believe in magic, I still believe that even if not on a global scale maybe I can make a tiny difference and that it will count for something or someone. Right? Won't it?

The flame of hope flickers brightly.

Sometimes it just feels like I'm fighting against the current.

My kop raas

2010-09-03T09:41:00.001+02:00

Every now and then I have a day (or two) where I feel insecure, needy and clingy. I normally just put my big girl panties on and deal with it, but since this is my blog that I did start to get thoughts out my head no matter how illogical, crazy or silly they are I'm going to do just that.

There is absolutely no reason why I feel like that, I just do. I need people to tell me that they love me and that I am the best friend in the world and that they will never leave me. Completely irrational. When I get these little episodes I normally just retreat which makes it worse in hindsight hmmm (light bulb moment!)

I have a handful of friends that I am very close with, that I speak to every day (with the odd exception) and that I can comfortably share my thoughts and feelings and future hopes and dreams with, people that I trust with my life and that I would do almost anything for. And on days like these, even though I know they love me in spite of me, I still feel that even they judge me and will love me less when I share my quirky ideas and thoughts. I know this isn't true because after all these years they are still here and they are still in my corner. I have never shared this with them or anyone else really. Just one more thing on the list of things that Nicci does that seem a bit odd. I'm afraid that eventually the list will get too long and people will go "ja she is too weird, I don't want to be around her anymore".

I blame my childhood years. I always felt like an outsider in school, I didn't have friends really, and the girls were always so mean to me. This one time I was at a birthday party, it was a pool party, and they all ganged up on me, pinned me to the ground and shoved earthworms into my swimming costume (now you know why I freak out for worms).

To me my friendships are very important, my friends are not just friends, they are like family to me, it's a sacred thing for me and I don't enter into friendships lightly. And for me I guess it's scary to expose myself like that and have faith that people won't betray my trust and will love me for all my quirks and oddities. When I declare you my friend you become part of my heart and I will love you even if you annoy me or I don't agree with you or any other bad thing you can think of doing. I forgive and love unconditionally, oddly enough I am more forgiving towards my friends than toward my husband, so that should say a lot.

So on days like these when all the skeletons and fears and insecurities burst out the box like some nightmarish jack-in-the-box, I hold on to the thought that it's just me, I am loved (I hope).

Long time

2010-09-02T09:46:00.000+02:00

Shew I haven't made a blog post in a while. I like to say that I'm busy at work and I don't want to spend so much time on the pc at night. But I think I'm just procrastinating a bit.

I had a very frustrating week last week, starting with the therapist appointment, a disastrous on site training session with a client where nothing worked properly, running around last minute to get every thing ready for Lila's birthday party and lots of screaming and shouting and fighting with the Husband inbetween.

A few good things happened also like that we figured some stuff out with Christian and we realized that if we give him 15 - 20 minutes of dedicated attention he is a different child. We get so caught up in the stuff we have to do when we get home, it's home work and cooking supper and bath etc etc that we don't make quality time with the kids. And I canceled the follow up therapist appointment.

I didn't get to exercise as much as I wanted to last week I only managed 3 days, the previous week I did 6 days. This week has gone well and I am starting to see my belly of jelly getting smaller. I am now doing 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of body toning exercises every day.

Lila's birthday party was a huge success and the kids all had a ball. She got some really lovely gifts also and she felt very special.

I am feeling a bit odd this week and disconnected from people, like everyone is over there and I am way over here. It shall pass too I'm sure.

Songs in my head

2010-08-26T13:02:00.000+02:00

I just love music, it's a release, an expression of my feelings, an escape. I always see if I can hear all the different instruments and how the music is put together when I listen to a song and I actually do listen to the lyrics. My Mom always said that if I knew my school work as well as I knew the lyrics of songs I would've been a straight A student lol. I am always surprised when I discuss music with people and they either don't listen to the lyrics, or don't pay attention to the musical arrangement, it's all so beautiful to me and I am often a teeny bit resentful that I didn't learn to play an instrument or something when I was younger. I know I can still learn but nou ja there are other more important things on the agenda that needs payment before my wants :P

Currently this song moves me it's Coldplay's "Fix You" the beautiful lyrics and the music makes this song powerful, sad, melancholy and uplifting all at the same time.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

The other one is Placebo's "For what it's worth" - oh my goodness what a powerful song! I love Placebo's passive aggressive lyrics lol, that kind of through clenched teeth kind of anger. If you listen to this song, promise you will listen to it as loud as the volume will go!! It's the only way!

The end of the century
I said my goodbyes
For what its worth

I always aimed to please
But I nearly died
For what its worth

Come on lay with me
Cause I'm on fire
For what its worth

I tear the sun in three
To light up your eyes

For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth

Broke up the family
Everybody cried
For what its worth

I have a slow disease
That sucked me dry
For what its worth

Come on walk with me
Into the rising tide
For what its worth
Filled a cavity - Your god shaped hole tonight

For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth
For what its worth

No one cares when you're out on the street
Picking up the pieces to make ends meet
No one cares when you're down in the gutter
Got no friends got no lover

No one cares when you're out on the street
Picking up the pieces to make ends meet
No one cares when you're down in the gutter
Got no friends got no lover

For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover
For what its worth
Got no lover

Got no friends got no lover

The Therapist

2010-08-25T14:53:00.000+02:00

We took Christian to the play therapist on Monday. I wasn't that impressed. Instead of being focussed on Christian's issue, it turned out to be a kind of couples counselling session with not so good results. To me it felt like it turned into a bit of a name calling and climbing into each other's character session between me and the husband and as he put it "laying his cards on the table" session, which I was totally unprepared for and was very hurtful.

I thought the therapist's behaviour was very unprofessional, saying that she thought I was "odd", I honestly can't remember what she said about/to the Husband if anything at all, the whole sordid thing has started to erase itself from my memory on account of being too traumatic. She ended the session saying to us "i can say a lot about the two of you, but I'd rather just keep quiet for now".

Now I don't want to tell anyone how to do their job, BUT, in my humble opinion a therapist facilitates constructive conversation and does not chip in with her own (negative) opinions about the people sitting in front of them. A therapist when things get out of hand will call a time out or guide the session back to the intended purpose, it's not up to the "therapee" to keep on saying "ok this session isn't about us". At one point she said to me that I kept on interrupting her and made a face at my husband and said to him "do ever get to finish a sentence" she then proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the session and addressed only my husband.

The whole thing made me take a good long hard look at myself, I didn't think that I was interruptive and a few people told me that they also don't experience me as interruptive. It is something that I will make note of in future however. I also re-discovered that no two people perceive the same thing in the same way. I was really upset after the session about some of the things my husband said. But in the end it's his perception and it's not my thruth. I'm not really sure what to do with it yet, but I am working on it. I am still upset (aka "sulking") but hey we all deal with things differently.

The only constructive thing related to Christian - you know the reason we made the appointment - was that she gave us an "off-loading" exercise to do with him. The husband has to do it with him (she for some unknown reason thought that I favour Lila above Christian?! wtf?!) but I don't have a problem with them doing it, it will be good for the husband to also off load after a long day at work :P The session entails them kicking, screaming, bashing things, whatever floats their boat at the time, only for 10 to 15 minutes. This is supposed to help him (Christian not the Husband but may also be beneficial for him LOL) vent any pent up frustrations. She also wanted us to every now and then when he does something that we ask offer him a reward like a lollipop or car, which if she listened to me she would know it doesn't really work with him. But anyways, we are trying.

I am not sure if we will be going back there, although a follow up appointment was made for a time that isn't really convenient for me. I am considering finding another therapist. I really don't know if I want to go back to her. As for the Husband and I, we have spoken a bit about the whole thing, he of course disagrees with me and says that he didn't experience the session the same way I did. He did find her a bit over the top also and did say that after him and I spoke about the things he said (experience) about me that he realises that he 'may' be a little bit mistaken. So ja, I dunno.

Chaos

2010-08-20T10:58:00.000+02:00

I don't normally get into political debates and things. But I have to just lay my egg about the public servants strike that is going on at the moment.

I don't for one second condone the violence that has errupted, we kept Lila at home today because we are concerned about safety at school. Not that our school was targeted at all but you never know...

I found this quote this morning and didn't even connect it with the current situation until a while ago when it hit me the quote is from Deepak Chopra and he said: "All great changes are preceded by chaos".

I've read the comments on social networking and news websites, I see how negatively everyone is reacting and rightfully so. There are better ways to negotiate salary increases, it doesn't need to get violent. I myself haven't had an increase in 3 years. I know what it's like. I don't think that people should be prevented from doing their jobs, and intimated or that patients and children should be threatened or harmed.

Let the rest of us stand together though and don't allow these incidents to taint our view of our country, it's a select group of people who are carrying on like a bunch of hooligans. Let us hold on to the thought that "All great changes are preceded by chaos" something good might just come of this. Already our president said that he will not allow this kind of behaviour, and threatens to fire the lot, our government strongly condemns the strike, the ANC Youth League - the most controversial and outspoken branch of the ANC, has offered to help out where they can. These are all good things! Lets focus on the good. Don't loose hope, believe!

So far so good

2010-08-19T08:41:00.000+02:00

This week so far has been ok with regard to leaving Christian at school. First week he was fine, 2nd week not so much, 3 week fine again, so we are making progress it seems. I have been taking him to school this week which may or may not have helped. I sms'd his teacher this morning to check in on him and she actually phoned me back to tell me that he was fine. That is nice hey? I have made an appointment with a play therapist for next week with him, I will update what she says.

Last night when I was tucking the kids in and saying goodnight, Lila pipes up and says: "Mommy sometimes when I look at around at things, I just feel like eating it, I just want to bite it" LOL. I am not sure if I should be worried or not, she is an adorable little oddball and I love her so much.

Sometimes I worry about my kids, that the bad things I have done outweigh the good things and that I have damaged them somehow. I can only hope the opposite is true and continue to try and do my best every day...

I, the "I only eat salad as a side dish, salad is not a meal" person am contemplating having salads for lunch. I am getting a bit tired of take out and I can't stand having bread every day for lunch yuck man. Salads make sense as I can buy stuff and keep it in the fridge here at work. I can do a bit of cous-cous and ad other nice things to make it a bit more yummy and give it some substance.

Exercise routine is still going well, I am a little bit of much stiff today. I also think I am moving into the red alert zone, beast time, yay me!

My husband also started his own blog called Johann's World pop on over to have a look, like he says, if you don't have an opinion, he will give you one LOL.

Fields of Flowers

2010-08-18T10:42:00.001+02:00

If I had a basket, a blue gingham dress with a frilly white under dress to peek from underneath, I would find a field of yellow flowers and skip through it. That's how I feel today. The image keeps popping up in my head LOL!! I may even break into song "The Hills are ALIVE!

Apparently this is what I feel like the day after I have exercised. I may have to do it more often. I am even contemplating getting up at 5:00AM and go for a run before work. Everyone who knows me pick yourselves off the floor. I feel the hooks of obsession sinking into me. I do have these episodes. I start something, I become totally obsessed, I give it 150% and after a while I'm all obsessed out and I move on.

This particular time the obsession might not be a bad thing. I have committed to 4 weeks of intense exercise. I don't want to feel myself wobble when I walk to my desk. I want to get trim and toned and firm. So this time I embrace the obessive part of my nature, I say obsess away!

I am going to try to hold on to feeling chipper for as long as I can. Although for some mysterious reason the Husband is annoying me. He is also a bit obsessive but about work as opposed to exercise. He is 10 times worse than I am when he gets obsessed about something, he doesn't hear anything, notice anything, see anything other than the thing his obsession is directed at. Talking to him actually makes me want to ditch the field, the blue gingham dress and the yellow flowers and cruise straight to the nearest bar. But that is a whole other blog post...

What a morning

2010-08-17T09:21:00.000+02:00

Oh my goodness I do not appreciate it when my day starts with a bang. Not a nice bang, the kind that makes you want to take a sho't left on the way home from work and just keep going!

The morning started with the usual Christian screaming from the moment he opened his eyes until just before we left the house. And when I say screaming I mean screaming. It upsets the entire household and then the Husband and I end up shouting also (very mature I know). I took Christian to school because the husband "just can't handle it anymore" (drama queen) and he took the dog to the vet to get spayed. Halleluyah please hold thumbs that it helps with his destructive behaviour, people seem to think that it will.

I chatted a bit with Christian's teacher at school and she says apart from him being upset for a bit in the mornings he is doing really well. So it seems he saves his "adjusting" behavior for home yay us. I do understand that he is going through an adjustment phase with going to school and that it will take a while to calm down, but since starting school his behavior is 10 times worse than normal at home. 90% of the time he is a super cute, adorable, lovable little boy who says please and thank you and love you too Mommy. Since school that has dropped to 70 - 80% he is a miserable little so and so. He screams, smacks us, he doesn't sleep well at night and screams, in general just being obnoxious and impossible. And once he starts screaming you can forget about getting through to him, it takes at least an hour for him to calm down. He goes straight to screaming, there is no negotiating, offering alternatives nothing he just goes into melt down mode, finish and klaar. And I really wish I could blame it all on him adjusting to something new. I am thinking about doing a few sessions of play therapy with him, see what a professional says...

Anyway.

After dropping Christian, I thought I was clever and took a different route to work which I thought would go quicker, which was a massive fail, I ended up sitting in bumper to bumper traffic and it took me twice as long to get to work. While sitting in said traffic, I remembered that I left my hair straightener on, which I didn't even end up using amidst all the chaos of the morning. So having nowhere to turn around and sitting in still standing traffic I phoned the husband, so we ended up screaming at each other over the phone. Fark man he was closer to home so it was easier for him to go back home and switch the goddamn thing off. But now that everyone is calm it's ok.

On the bright side, I started my "get the wobble firm enough to appear in a bikini on the beach" exercise routine. I found a fabulous exercise program called "Get a Bikini Body in 4 Weeks" which I am going to try. It looks hardcore but it will be worth it in the end. I will do it for 4 weeks 5 days a week and do yoga on Saturdays when I can. After the 4 weeks I will evaluate and take it from there.

45 Questions for people who live in the real world

2010-08-16T15:41:00.002+02:00

OK so I stole this from Wenchy's blog - I dig these things so here is my answers

Here are 45 questions for people who live in the real world.

1) What bill do you hate paying the most?
My Woolworths account

2) Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Hmmm we don't really do romantic dinners the last time we went out to dinner for our wedding anniversary I think to Karma in Greenside - my favourite restaurant, they have giant gins what can I say!

3) What do you really want to be doing right now?
Lying on the beach with the sun on my skin, my toes in the sand and the sound of the waves in my ears.

4) How many schools did you attend?
Two in primary school and two in high school

5) Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It's an uber cool shirt! It's very punk rock and it's black and pink

6) What are your thoughts on petrol prices?
I don't give it much thought ..

7) First thought when you woke up this morning?
*yaaawwnn* I can snooze for 10 more minutes

8) Last thought before going to sleep last night?
off, off, off, off, off, off, off (it's the switchword for helping you to fall asleep)

9) Do you miss being a child?
Sometimes

10) What errand/chore do you despise?
Doing the dishes

11) Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in for definately

12) Have you found real love yet?
Probably

13) Favorite lunch meat?
I don't eat meat

14) What do you get most time you go into a grocery store?
Probably bread and milk.

15) Beach or lake?
Beach

16) Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Yes and no. I don't think you have to be married to be comitted to each other and I don't think being married should cage you in either.

17) Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
Both

18) What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Richard Branson

19) Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Just a small bumper bashing, some woman decided to come to a dead stop in the middle of the road to let someone else pass and I went into the back of her.

20) Ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Nope

21) Ring tone?
Waka Waka by Shakira ft Freshly Ground

22) Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
Next to the Vaal River

23) Somewhere in South Africa you’ve never been and would like to go?
The Kalahari

24) Do you go to church?
No

25) At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
New career.

26) How old are you?
33

27) Do you have a go-to person?
Yes.

28) Are you where you want to be in life?
In some ways yes in other ways not even close

29) Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?
Heidi, Pinoccio, Liewe Heksie, Knersis, Dawie die Kabouter, Looney Toons

30) What about you do you think has changed the most?
My outlook on life and myself

31) Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life?
Not the actual school bit but the after school bit hell yeah

32) Are there times you still feel like a kid?
Ja for sure

33) Do you have a pager?
I have never had a pager….

34) Where was the hang out spot when you were a teenager?
The pool place in town, the banks of the Vaal River, Michael's room

35) Were you the type of kid you would want your children to hang out with?
LOL probably not

36) Who do you think impacted your life the most?
My Mom, Tash, Carina, my kids, my husband (he is my greatest teacher), my stepmom and father

37) Was there a teacher or authority figure that stood out for you?
Unfortunately only the bad ones that was intent on breaking my spirit (idiots)

38) Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age”?
LOL not yet

39) What was the first new car you purchased?
I have never owned a brand new car, the first car I purchased was my stepmom's white golf 2 gts

40) What is the scariest thing that has happened to you as an adult?
Uhm .....

41) What advice would you give to someone about to get married?
Don't get hung up on the party (the wedding), focus on the marriage, be honest, if you have the slightest inkling of doubt don't do it.

42) What’s your favorite room in your home and why?
I don't really have one...

43) What advice would you give someone starting their first job?
Everyone started where you are now, don't be afraid to ask questions and remember that your company isn't doing a favour by hiring you, it's a mutually beneficial relationship, you provide a service and they are paying you for it.

44) If you could go back and change one thing you did, what would it be?
Go study psychology and convince my Dad to send me to Europe and not the kibbutz in Israel.

45) If you could go back and change one thing someone else did, what would it be?
hmmm I am not going to discuss that here ....

OK no more talk

2010-08-16T11:38:00.000+02:00

I am going to Sportsmans Warehouse in my lunch break to buy one of those exercise ball thingies and a workout dvd of some sort.

I booked my December leave today. We will be going to the coast and there is NO WAY that I will appear on the beach in my current wobbly state. I need to step up the efforts. I have 3 months to whip myself into shape. I will take before and after photos.

If those Hollywood chicks can do it then so can I. Right?!

And when I am all toned and firm again then I will reward myself with a Boudoir shoot with my Tasha.

And a new bikini - a small one - to show off my hot bod. Otherwise it's 2-piece city for me blergh!

Bright side - at least I don't have to loose weight, it's just firming up and toning. So it's 100% do-able and if I don't I only have myself to blame.

I can't wait to lie on the beach with my toes in the sand *sigh*

2010-08-13T14:33:00.000+02:00

So let me give you a run down of my day so far - I'm borderline irritated, I don't think I would be nice if this lady phones me today. . .

The day started off rather well, no screaming or crying incidents, we left home on time. I'm rocking out in the car listening to some awesome tunes when my phone rings. It's the Husband. He is emo. He is having a drama about Christian. He can't take him to school anymore because he can't handle it that Christian cries when he leaves. And gets upset with me when I tell him to just deal with it, like I would have to and have done.

Get to work on time yay! Well on time'ish 5 minutes late doesn't count as late hey?

Everything is cool, the Husband phones again and is short on the phone *sigh* cut the call short. He phones again later sounding better. We agree to meet at Toys 'r Us at Woodmead Retail Centre to buy a birthday gift for Lila's school friend.

I get to the centre, which is very busy. And some douche bag steals my parking. Very nonchalant about it too, like he did nothing wrong.

Stomp to Toys 'r Us, after getting lost in the maze that are their isles, we finally found something for the child. I intenseley dislike that Toys 'r Us. I called the store manager to complain. There is 1 pay point open, so we all (aka the customers) stand in the que at the pay point. There is about 10 staff members milling around and chatting and joking around at the customer service desk. So eventually my husband asks if one of them can't come and assist us the customers, so this chick starts arguing with us and says she DID call us over and we ignored her. WTF?!

Then I went to my favourite curry place and they are closed, to open 1:30, they didn't so eventually I went to the Asian place next door. Which I actually am very glad about, I ordered a Thai green curry and some fashion sandwiches and yum yum yum!! I also bought 2 chocolates. You know for the endorphins and stuff. Just to take the edge off.

I want beer. I will have to contact the husband to organize us some.

2010-08-12T11:46:00.000+02:00

OK seriously. I really have to bite my tongue sometimes and breathe and try to remember that I am not to judge others, everyone is doing the best they can with what they have at any given moment.

I am ranting, I just spoke to someone who got semi hysterical because I didn't know the details of what they had discussed with someone else. WTF?! She felt that I should understand why she is upset that I didn't know. Honestly? No I don't understand, just because I didn't know doesn't mean that you now can't get or do what was discussed, it just means I didn't know and that I DO know and we are all on the same page we can move along.

Gawd!

*rant over*

Even though I get irritated when people are unreasonable like that, I do try to remember that they might be going through a tough time. If I look at my own behaviour and how unreasonable/emotional and/or irritable I get when I am upset or pms'ing or sad, it's not hard to believe that other people also act/react the same way.

So my point today is, before you get upset at the stranger on the other side of the phone/email try to remember that maybe they are just having a bad day and instead of a scowl offer them a smile or a kind word.

Ink

2010-08-11T13:35:00.001+02:00

I don't know what it is with me and tattoos. They just resonate with me on a very deep level. Ever since I can remember I wanted one. I remember my Oupa Nico had one on his forearm and it fascinated me even as a little girl.

I have a very vivid memory of me and my Mom going to Woolworths once, I must've been between 8 - 10 years old. There were two girls in the shop all dressed in black, with loads of piercings, they had this whole goth look. All the people turned away from them and there were mutterings of "satanists" and all I could think was that I wanted to be like those girls when I grew up.

I have two tattoos now and I have this intense yearning to have more. I want to almost compare it to that need to have a baby, that constant aching pull you have in your heart and the restlessness. It's an actual physical ache in my chest, well more over my solar plexus chakra but lets not get technical. And it doesn't help watching Miami Ink and LA Ink! My goodness the art those people create are something else. I love watching those shows, everyone that comes in to the shop has a story and their tattoos is a physical manifestation of their story on their skin. A tattoo should feel like it just surfaced, like it's been there forever. I don't know what draws me to it so much, the act of carrying a beautiful image on your body, something that has meaning, it's like wearing your heart on your sleeve literally. Putting yourself out there like that, exposing yourself like that to a world filled with people and their pre-conceived ideas is somehow liberating to me.

Getting a tattoo is definitely not everyone's cup of tea and you should never get one because it's trendy. It's a very personal experience in my opinion and not something that should be taken lightly. To me it's a process, from deciding on the image, the process of finding the right artist and the design to getting the actual tattoo done, and it can take days, weeks or years from the start to the finish. I think I was made to get them, the pain doesn't bug me at all, in fact to me it's the same as going bungee jumping or something, my brain releases endorphins and it makes me feel on top of the world! Maybe I'm an endorphin junkie haha! Although I doubt that exercise would ever give me the same rush as getting a new tattoo.

I want a Japanese dragon, always have, in grey with red, splashes of colour. It has to somehow integrate with the Cherry Blossom tree I have on my back and my ravens. I know it's what I want, the question is just the how, when and who, getting something like that is not cheap. If anyone feels like sponsoring me I would LOVE to get some art by Chris Garver at Miami Ink - just sayin.

*sigh*

wipes sweat from brow

2010-08-10T13:05:00.000+02:00

Phew I had a busy week last week, so much so that I didn't even attempt to blog. I don't want to just blog for the sake of blogging if you know what I mean.

I had a week jam packed with training every day and because I was sick the week before (bronchitis) and last week's training, I was a bit behind on my regular work but thankfully all caught up now and ready to go - yes I am THAT efficient! Or maybe I just have that little to do either way. It's done!

In between all of my regular day job stuff, I received my Therific Naturals stock, the one box got damaged in transit so I have a lot of stuff that I can't sell. And a customer who got her order posted from Head Office also let me know that her package was damaged and somehow got a hole in it (thanks SAPO!). I also saw a spa group and they unfortunately didn't like the product all that much. But it's all good!

I had a good week. I learnt a lot. I did things, drank lots of gin and dry lemon (and beer), spent time with old friends and new friends. I was up and down and came full circle. I also learned and was reminded that love can conquer all, friendship is a precious gift and rejection should not be taken personally.

I feel like I am standing on the edge of something great - like the Universe is holding it's breath in eager anticipation. I feel ready to take whatever is thrown at me and run with it.

Horton hears a whaaat?

2010-07-30T23:47:00.001+02:00

Why is it that the day before an event, when you need to be all pretty and stuff the Universe decides that something has to happen to throw you off track.

I'm having a crisis of epic proportion. Tomorrow is the husband's 30th birthday party. I have to play happy hostess and smile and mingle and chat and get snacks. I cannot be dealing with this right now. Tash has been my saving grace. She was there for me, with an ear, a shoulder to cry on and good advice, a pillar of strength in my hour of need. A true friend.

Have you ever watched that movie "Horton Hears a Who" with the purple dandelion thingie, a whole little country lives on the thing and only he can hear them. Well the same thing has happened to me. Only I don't have a dandelion and I'm NOT trying to save it. It's a whole island and I'm trying my hardest to obliterate it.

I have a zit. A huge freakin island right on my cheek with it's own zip code. When you look at me all you see is a huge flashing sign with an arrow pointing to it saying "You are here". If you are on vacation at the moment chances are you are flying in to this exotic new location, they even serve drinks, in pineapples, with little umbrellas in them. You can buy souvenirs from the gift shop, corny T-shirts that say I ♥ the isle of zit, and those pens with tiny little palm trees inside them.

Tash has advised to put ice on it and anti-bacterial cream. The ice helped, it has gone down a bit, but my entire cheek is red now, thankfully I'm not that hysterial to miss the fact that the redness will go away once my cheek has thawed. Next time don't squeeze she says - gmf, like that is possible. I will now attempt to not touch the area (except to put the ointment on) for the remainder of the period the thing decides to squat on MY land.

Tomorrow I will have to remember to show my good side to the camera. And if you see me, you will NOT stare!

I'm doing it again

2010-07-27T08:44:00.000+02:00

You see! I didn't even make a blog post yesterday. That is how it starts. I tell myself that I am not feeling well and that I am retreating for a short while, and then before I know it 3 months have passed. No - I am putting my foot down. I will not hide.

I am not feeling well, physically also, think I may be coming down with something. But there are awesome things happening also. There is always something to be grateful for and happy about, if we care to look. There is always a glimmer of hope and something sparkly. So will focus on the things that make me happy and bring me hope until I feel better.

In the words of Spock - live long and prosper!

I crossed over today

2010-07-25T18:00:00.000+02:00

I won't go into the why's, who's or what happened's. But I crossed over into that space today, I screamed and shouted, threw things, a complete loss of self control (not directed at the kids so don't go calling social services just yet). I feel exhausted, depleted and very ashamed.

I don't know why I give my power away like that. I don't know why I let myself cross over that point where there is no turning back. You would think that I am more mature than that, that I have learned how to control my emotions.

It doesn't help I blame someone else because ultimately nobody can make you do anything can they. It's 100% in my power how I act or re-act. Everything is over, the dust has settled, nobody is mad at anybody but I linger in a place where I feel a bit depressed and angry with myself.

Dust yourself off and try again ....

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~ Anaïs Nin

2010-07-23T20:25:00.002+02:00

Have you read that phrase carefully?

We don't see things AS THEY ARE, we see them AS WE ARE.

Two people can look at the exact same thing and see them completely different, even that phrase. This keeps coming up for me everywhere at the moment, and as I take a step back to look for the lesson I realize that it's ok that people see things as "we" are.

Most of the fights/wars on earth occur because people try to force other people to see things the way they do. People stand in judgement of each other from what they believe in to the clothes they wear to the choices they make as parents and individuals. I won't pretend to be holier than thou and tell you that I never judge people, we all do, the person who does not judge can hover right up to heaven and go sit at God's right hand because wow they are perfect (see there I judge again!).

I think that what we can do is to watch our inner dialogue and when we engage in a conversation with someone or meet someone for the first time, to really listen to what they say, and be secure enough in ourselves to know that if they don't agree with you it doesn't make you wrong, but it doesn't make them wrong either. We can all learn to agree to disagree and not let that taint our opinion of the person, just because (for instance and from my perspective) someone eats meat doesn't make them an awful human being, in fact, I know loads of amazingly wonderful human beings who eat meat, I even love them (not being holier than thou just using it as an example okay).

Everyone has a story and their life experiences shaped them in a completely different and unique way, it's not for us to tell any other being that their experience or the way they view things are wrong. I suppose that being an empath * it's easier for me to "put myself in someone else's shoes" but I feel that that is exactly the way we should look at things. Put yourself in the other person's shoes, try at least to look at it from their perspective before you discount it. Don't waste your energy to try and convince someone that your way/opinion is the right way/opinion, just let it go, it's ok, in the end it doesn't really matter.

The world is an infinately richer and more interesting place because we see things as we are.

Disappointed ...

2010-07-22T13:01:00.000+02:00

Healing Hands International had a give away a while back that I entered. One person could win their Holistic Massage Course, which I've been wanting to do for absolute ages, but somehow we can't ever get the funds together. There is always something.

They just let me know that I didn't get it. I am deeply disappointed. But on the other hand I know that the person who did get the course probably needed it more than I did, and that the right thing will come my way at the right time.

I'm still disappointed. Excuse me while I go wallow for the rest of the day ...

Alert

2010-07-22T10:18:00.000+02:00

I'm having a day. One of those. My irritation levels are through the roof. No good reason so I can only assume that it's coming to that freaking time of the month again *sigh*

You ever have days like these? Everything just irritates you. From your husband to the kids you even annoy yourself. It started last night actually when I asked the husband to rather just keep quiet because he talks really loudly and the sound of his voice is annoying *blush* I went to bed early with my book and fell asleep after reading a chapter.

Then Christian had an accident in bed, so we had to change all the linen and pj's. Then he woke up in the early hours of the morning crying because he didn't want his pillow with the Cars cover he wanted his sister's pillow with the pink flowers that was in the wash with the pee linen. When I finally got through to him that the pillow case is in the wash, he cried about his Cars pajamas that was also in the wash. When he finally got that through his head he cried because he didn't want to sleep in his bed anymore and he wanted to have a pee, finally he came with me to bed and proceeded to make himself comfortable in my spot. Then I woke up this morning just before the alarm with him kicking all the blankets off us.

So ja no wonder I feel slightly grumpy.

It's getting really challenging to wake Lila up these days, not that I blame her I also struggle to get up. But she stands infront of the heater for 10 minutes then warms all her clothes before she puts it on, then daydreams for another 10 minutes. So it's a constant battle in the morning to get her going and with Christian that wants toast then juice then he is looking for this toy or that toy and manic playing inbetween so it makes for interesting times.

And like clockwork when everybody is in the car and everything is locked up then one of the kids or often both decide that they absolutely have to have to take with to play with after school. And the the waterworks (Lila) and the temper tantrum (Christian) starts. AARRGGH!

It just bugs me more today because I am irritated though.

If you need to find me - I'll be in my corner keeping quiet...

To breed or not to breed

2010-07-21T11:06:00.000+02:00

I always said that if I could afford it I would pop out babies left, right and centre. I have been blessed with easy pregnancies with almost no issues. Both of us want another baby sometime not now but sometime in the future. Our house is too small, we don't have the finances right now blah blah blah

Lately however, I've been in two minds. I want another baby, but the longer we wait the more I think hmm nah. I don't know if I want to go through the whole baby thing, the breastfeeding/bottle feeding, nappies, pajama drill, unexplained crying and and and. I'm enjoying having my body back, the kids are at a great age now. Things work the way they are, don't scratch where it aint itching and all that.

On the other hand I think I want one and if I do then I want one like now. Which isn't possible. So ja. The need/want to have a baby is an inexplicable thing hey.

If it's' meant to happen it will happen when it's meant to happen.

My new venture!

2010-07-21T09:51:00.000+02:00

Oh my gosh I've had an exciting week so far! Besides getting my most awesome new tattoo, I also went for my birthday gift spa manicure at R 'n R which was fab AND I was awarded the distributorship for Therific Natural's products in Johannesburg! Whoop!

We offer a range of bath goodies with a difference. These aren't your everyday run of the mill bath salts - they are made with Magnesium Sulphate Crystals that are fragranced and foam when added to hot water. Magnesium sulfate offers one of the most effective means of making the magnesium your body needs readily available. Excess adrenaline and stress are believed to drain magnesium, a natural stress reliever, from the body. Magnesium is necessary for the body to bind adequate amounts of serotonin, a mood-elevating chemical within the brain that creates a feeling of well being and relaxation.

So yes peeps a good week indeed! If you want more info email me. We are also looking for Agents in the Joburg area so if you are interested let me know.

Believe

2010-07-19T10:26:00.000+02:00

I got my second tattoo done this weekend - this one was for me. My other tattoo is on my back which kinda sucks because I don't ever see it. I can highly recommend Cathy who will soon be going on her own so if you want her details let me know and I will pass it along.

I have the word "Believe" on my wrist as a reminder to always do just that - believe. The symbol underneath that is a Triskele (in grey) with an Aum (in blue) on top of it. The Triskele is a Celtic symbol and has resonated with me because of what it represents and is quite involved - I found this to explain it a little more on What's your sign

Triskelion Meaning as a Celtic Symbol
In a nutshell, the triskelion Celtic symbol meaning deals with competition and man's progress. The Greek term triskelion literally means "three-legged," and appropriately, this sign looks very much like three legs running.
The triskelion (also referred to as triskele, triquetra or fylfot) Celtic symbol meaning holds two major components of symbolism.
First Component:
When we observe this symbol, we are taken with the concept of motion. All three branches (legs, protrusions, angles) are positioned in such a way so as to make the symbol appear as if it is in constant forward motion.
This is no accident as this feeling of motion in this symbol represents:
action
cycles
progress
revolution
competition
moving forward
Second Component:
The three protrusions (legs, angles, branches, etc) are of significant symbolic importance. However, depending upon the era, region, culture, mythological history, etc...symbologists can have a challenging time defining the exact symbolic meaning of the three protrusions. The various representations of the three protrusions found in the triskelion include:

Spirit, Mind, Body
Father, Son, Holy Ghost
Mother, Father, Child
Past, Present, Future
Power, Intellect, Love
Creator, Destroyer, Sustainer
Creation, Preservation, Destruction

All of these (and still yet more) can be designated for each of the protrustions found in the triskelion - it is simply up to the observer (or originating culture) to proffer up these meanings.
The combination of these two components (motion and triad attributes) lead us to the conclusion that this Celtic symbol meaning tells a story of forward motion in the endeavor to reach understanding (within the context of one of the many triad dynamics above listed).
This prominent Celtic symbols may also represent the three Celtic worlds:

The Otherworld: Where spirits, gods and goddesses live.
The Mortal World: Where you and I live along with plants and animals.
The Celestial World: Where unseen energies live and move about. Like the forces of sun, moon, wind and water.
An interesting side note - the number three is a powerful energy for seemingly infinite reasons. One such representation of number three deals with the three primary measure-marks within the phases of the moon (new, half, full).
This is a worthy point because most lunar creatures are depicted as only having three legs in Alchemical and early European esoteric art.
When we add lunar implications to the meaning of the triskelion we are dealing with:
mystery
feminine
intuition
subtleness
subconscious
spirituality
illumination
hidden desire

As you can see, the Celtic symbol meaning of the triskelion is more far reaching than just "three-legged." When we combine the variables listed here with the concept of motion and evolution and illumniation, we find that the Celtic symbol meaning of the triskelion has much broader connatations.
In short, the sum of this Celtic symbol meaning is:
personal growth
human development
spiritual expansion

So as you can see it has a very deep meaning to it and not just a swirly shape. The Aum (or Om) symbol also resonates very deeply with me, it's a very sacred syllable and can be chanted during meditation, prayer and we also say it when we do yoga. This is a better explanation of it which I found on about.com:

"The goal which all the Vedas declare, which all austerities aim at, and which men desire when they lead the life of continence … is Om. This syllable Om is indeed Brahman. Whosoever knows this syllable obtains all that he desires. This is the best support; this is the highest support. Whosoever knows this support is adored in the world of Brahma."
~ Katha Upanishad I

Om or Aum is of paramount importance in Hinduism. This symbol (as seen in the image on the right) is a sacred syllable representing Brahman, the impersonal Absolute of Hinduism — omnipotent, omnipresent, and the source of all manifest existence. Brahman, in itself, is incomprehensible; so a symbol becomes mandatory to help us realize the Unknowable. Om, therefore, represents both the unmanifest (nirguna) and manifest (saguna) aspects of God. That is why it is called pranava, to mean that it pervades life and runs through our prana or breath.

Om in Daily Life

Although Om symbolizes the most profound concepts of Hindu belief, it is in use daily. The Hindus begin their day or any work or a journey by uttering Om. The sacred symbol is often found at the head of letters, at the beginning of examination papers and so on. Many Hindus, as an expression of spiritual perfection, wear the sign of Om as a pendant. This symbol is enshrined in every Hindu temple premise or in some form or another on family shrines. It is interesting to note that a newly born child is ushered into the world with this holy sign. After birth, the child is ritually cleansed and the sacred syllable Om is written on its tongue with honey. Thus right at the time of birth the syllable Om is initiated into the life of a Hindu and ever remains with him as the symbol of piety. Om is also a popular symbol used in contemporary body art and tattoos.

The Eternal Syllable

According to the Mandukya Upanishad, "Om is the one eternal syllable of which all that exists is but the development. The past, the present, and the future are all included in this one sound, and all that exists beyond the three forms of time is also implied in it".

The Music of Om

Om is not a word but rather an intonation, which, like music, transcends the barriers of age, race, culture and even species. It is made up of three Sanskrit letters, aa, au and ma which, when combined together, make the sound Aum or Om. It is believed to be the basic sound of the world and to contain all other sounds. It is a mantra or prayer in itself. If repeated with the correct intonation, it can resonate throughout the body so that the sound penetrates to the centre of one's being, the atman or soul. There is harmony, peace and bliss in this simple but deeply philosophical sound. By vibrating the sacred syllable Om, the supreme combination of letters, if one thinks of the Ultimate Personality of Godhead and quits his body, he will certainly reach the highest state of "stateless" eternity, states the Bhagavad Gita.

The Vision of Om

Om provides a dualistic viewpoint. On one hand, it projects the mind beyond the immediate to what is abstract and inexpressible. On the other hand, it makes the absolute more tangible and comprehensive. It encompasses all potentialities and possibilities; it is everything that was, is, or can yet be. It is omnipotent and likewise remains undefined.

The Power of Om

During meditation, when we chant Om, we create within ourselves a vibration that attunes sympathy with the cosmic vibration and we start thinking universally. The momentary silence between each chant becomes palpable. Mind moves between the opposites of sound and silence until, at last, it ceases the sound. In the silence, the single thought—Om—is quenched; there is no thought. This is the state of trance, where the mind and the intellect are transcended as the individual self merges with the Infinite Self in the pious moment of realization. It is a moment when the petty worldly affairs are lost in the desire for the universal. Such is the immeasurable power of Om.
The rest of the tattoo is just pretty pictures hehe - there is symbolism also in the cherry blossoms but you can google it if you want :P

I have a dream

2010-07-16T21:13:00.000+02:00

I have so many ideas and I often get just a tiny bit frustrating trying to figure out a way to bring it all to fruition. I know that things will happen when the time is right and I know that at the moment, I am exactly where I should be. I also know that trying to force things to happen will just not work.

I've been looking for a space to have meditation classes. I've had quite a few inquiries from people wanting to come but with no space to do it I have had to refer them. It's my dream to add to my 'alternative healing' qualifications with Reflexology, Colour healing therapy, Massage, Aromatherapy to name but a few. And as much as I try to be all zen and understanding about not fulfilling those dreams I sometimes get a bit huffy towards the Universe. I trust that I will be provided with the means to start when the time is right (certain issues have been resolved) but I guess that I have not fully mastered the art of patience yet. I also have these great ideas for workshops but again without space/participation it's just an idea.

I would love to go for regular treatments and scio and all kinds of those things and get some assistance in sorting out the blockages that I know are just sitting there that I do not have the tools at the moment to resolve myself.

And now I sound like a moaning myrtle.

I am grateful for all the blessings in my life right now. And I am becoming better and better at not living too much in a future dreamworld where I have already achieved all the things I want to, it really does make me resentful when I snap out of it and I have to live in this reality where I haven't yet quite reached that.

I get frustrated with myself that I have all this knowledge and I can easily guide others but I struggle sometimes to apply it to myself. Maybe I'm just too hard on myself...and maybe when I start to practice what I preach .. ja well ..

I have a dream, and I believe that one day I will achieve it.

Fixes, fanciness and other exciting things

2010-07-16T13:16:00.001+02:00

I just have to share my excitement.

I've been like a druggie these last few weeks in search of their next fix. And finally I'll be getting it on Sunday. My brand spanking new tattoo whoooooo! Thanks to my fabulous friends Carina and Christel who gave me money for my birthday, I put it all together and voila - latest fix financed! So they each own a tiny piece of me LOL! It's going on my arm so that I can gaze at it whenever I want to. My other tattoo is on my back so I never get to see it. This one is for me and it's being done in a way that when I look at it I don't have to turn my arm or anything, it's MINE!!

I will for surely post a photo when it's done.

In other news. I'm being all fancy en alles! For my birthday I also got a gift voucher for a spa manicure at R 'n R health and skincare - I booked my appointment and will be going there next week for my hand pampering session. My very first manicure! I can't wait!

Another cool thing that is happening is that Christian is FINALLY going to school. Yay! He was dead set against going to school and so far it suited us that he stayed at mother in law's house with the nanny. He suddenly out of the blue changed his mind and starting asking to go to school. So I made haste and found a lovely school very close to his sister's school, we went to have a look today and meet everyone and so far I'm very impressed (note I said "so far"). The school seems lovely and Christian looooves it! He hugged his new teacher as if he's known her for years and was not impressed to leave there today. Wish us luck with him for the next 2 weeks until he starts in August because he is GOING to ask every day when he is going to go to school.

Have a great weekend peeps! I will update soon with my latest edition in the ink collection *mwah*

The monkey on my back

2010-07-15T14:46:00.000+02:00

I have lots of things on my mind (when don't I). I'm happy for now. The husband and I are getting along better, the kids are doing well, Christian is starting school. I have an exciting new venture in the pipeline which I will say more about when all the papers are signed and I have taken delivery.

All is well for a change. I should enjoy it, savour the moment. I shouldn't even pay attention to the niggly feeling at the back of my mind that all is going to come crashing down at any moment. I shouldn't consider my happiness as something fragile that could shatter at any moment.

I have/am learning how to just take each moment as it comes and not get myself into a frenzy about what could happen or should've happened. I am learning to not take absolutely everything personally. But I am terrified of falling into that black hole again. The last time it took months to claw my way out of it. I am not pleasant to be around when I'm there...not for me or anyone else.

I don't want to go back there.

I will not wait for it, because by waiting I am inviting.

I will replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

I will watch my inner dialogue.

I will not feed the monkey on my back.

Driving Miss Daisy

2010-07-14T15:21:00.000+02:00

One day when I am rich, I am going to hire a chauffeur. I detest driving. It's such a mission, turn, indicate, clutch, brake blah blah blah. I follow the rules of the road and it pisses me off to the point of mania when other people don't. I mean for goodness freaking sake, if everyone just followed the rules, there wouldn't be an issue on the roads now would there.

But noooo because Mr BMW X5 has a sense of self entitlement and an ego as big as Joburg he reckons he is exempt from following the rules because you know, he is mos sooooo important. I don't get how people are so inconsiderate that they just don't care. And it's NOT only the taxi's so don't even come with that crap here. I've seen people from all walks of life that drive way worse than taxi's.

Gmf.

I've started taking down number plates of people that drive like asses and reporting them to Arrive Alive, they actually have a place on their website that you can report idiot drivers. Cool huh. I don't know if anyone actually monitors it but it does make me feel a bit better.

So until I can afford a chauffeur I'm cranking up the sound, singing real loud and trying real hard to smile and wave.

PS: Don't drive like a doos and make me dislike you ok.

Happiness is ....

2010-07-13T08:40:00.000+02:00

My happiness is like thousands of bubbles made from paper thin glass. They aren't always easy to catch but when I do, I burst with excitement and hold on to that bubble for dear life. I show everyone my bubble of happiness, I spread the joy. I try not to be too careful and just enjoy the bubble because in the back of my mind I know it will pop, like bubbles do...and because it is made of glass it doesn't just pop, it's shatters into a million tiny little pieces and the shards get stuck in my soul. Then the process of removing the glass fragments start and the chasing of the next bubble.

Believing as I do that we are the creators of our experiences through our thoughts and beliefs, I have to ponder if I am inevitably also not the creator of my own misery. It can't be any other way can it. The rules of the game don't change moment by moment. So in theory as easily as my happiness shatter, I should be able to find another bubble of happiness just as easily. Shouldn't I. Or am I so comforted by the cloak of dark sadness that I wear so well that it is easier to just bury my head in it's folds than to shrug the cloak and stand open and vulnerable, but shining and bright.

Within every moment we have a choice don't we. I can choose how I react, how I feel, what I think, do or say. A million different directions I can take in any given moment. Why is it always easier to choose misery than happiness...

In the string of moments passed I choose to wear the dark cloak of sadness and mourn the loss of the bubble of happiness.

From this moment on I choose to find beads of happiness and string them together until I have many, at the end of the string who knows maybe a balloon of happiness awaits...

Positively Positive Proudly South African

2010-07-12T12:23:00.003+02:00

6 years ago when it was announced that South Africa will host the Fifa Soccer World Cup, I didn't really pay it much attention. Ag I'm not really a soccer fan I thought and I was a bit indifferent. As time drew nearer and stadiums started going up and the road works started, I started to get a little more excited.

And by the time 80 000 people gathered in Sandton in support of Bafana Bafana I was completely swept up in World Cup Fever! Never have I been prouder to be South African. Never before have I felt closer to my fellow citizens. Everybody said we won't be able to pull it off, visitors were warned about being murdered and raped and people were advised to bring bulletproof vests. People complained about everything from the road works to the money spent.

But nobody spoke about the "never say die" spirit of our people. Nobody told visitors that they will be embraced and welcomed with open arms. Nobody told them that we will assist them, and talk to them in the streets or walking to stadiums to catch busses and show genuine interest in them. Nobody told them about how beautiful our country and the spirits of her people is. So when our visitors arrived here, they were pleasantly surprised. The naysayers got quiet. The journalists who had nothing bad to report on went away, some of them even went so far as to try and stage something negative to report on or made up stories.

Never again let us as South Africans utter the words "we can't" because WE CAN. Never again let the 1st world giants of the world make us feel small because WE CAN do anything we put our minds to. Never again must we allow anyone to look down on us because we triumphed in a big way South Africa. We showed the world just why we choose to stay, why we refuse to give up or give in and what makes our country so special and awesome. I hope and pray that we will continue to stand united and build on the spirit that we have found during the world cup and that we don't fall back to our old ways. In fact I know we will, it can't be any other way! I used to feel like a lone voice crying to let go, stand together and embrace one another. Now I no longer feel like I'm in the minority, other voices and hearts have joined, let it continue that way and the naysayers be the ones in the minority and let us leave them with no other choice but to join us!

Hi my name is Nicci and I am proud to be South African.

There is this wonderful initiative called Keep Flying the Flag please download the icon and put it in your email signature, your blog, your Facebook page, Twitter, keep it going!

This is from their website you can download it too:

What if?
What if we remember again how to be divided,
And forgot that while we lost, we absolutely triumphed

What if we remember again that we can't like our neighbor,
forgetting how Tshabalala made us hug a stranger.

What if, we remember the load shedding, the price hikes, inflation,
forgetting again that we are still one Nation.

What if, we remember again how to doubt,
forgetting again the power we have when we shout.

What if, the flags came down on the 12th of July,
and we packed them away, as though we had something to hide.

BUT

What if, the end wasn't the end, but the Beginning.

What if, we told the Nation to keep flying

What if, we woke on the 12th and it was still there, our passion redirected, a call to persevere.

What if, the colours once printed on our t-shirts and scarves
Were now forever etched into our hearts ♥.

What if, every SA brand used it's voice for good,
raised a flag, and said, you too could.

What if we remember what we already knew. That the flag says, there's nothing we can not do.

What if we took 30 days, to never forget,
that all we have achieved is nothing yet.

Most importantly, What if this, the simplest of ideas, with you by it's side
Became an idea from which no-one could hide.

Keep Flying the Flag!!

But I want to say, not just for 30 days, for as long as we shall live, stand United Msanzi. Stand proud!!!

33 Things I've learnt

2010-07-09T09:47:00.000+02:00

In no particular order

Don't live in the past, if you have issues fine, but deal with them and live in the present. You can never change the past but you can change what you are doing/thinking/feeling now.
No matter how bad you think it is, you will get through it and the sun will shine again.
Children will change your life in ways that you can't possibly grasp until you have them.
Always always listen to you gut feelings/instincts/the little voice at the back of your mind, it's never wrong, ever.
When you are single, enjoy being single because when you get to be in a relationship there will come a time when you will long for being single again and then you will kick your own ass that you didn't make the most of it.
Sometimes love isn't enough to make a relationship work.
Friends come and go but your family (even if they irritate the crap out of you) will always be there for you.
You can't choose your family but you can choose your friends, so choose wisely.
You can't guard your heart so much against being hurt that you forget how to give and receive love, without love, life is pretty empty (and I'm not talking about romantic love only!)
You don't have to like someone to love them.
Use the fancy plates and cutlery and all the other things you pack away because you feel to sorry to use them. Tomorrow you get run over by a bus and then other people fight over them.
When you do something, put your all into it, every time, or don't do it at all.
NO is a very powerful 2 letter word, use it.
Sometimes it's ok to leave the dirty dishes in the sink and the house looking like a bomb has hit it.
Always wear good underwear and socks with no holes in them. You never know where you will end up.
Take care of your body, it's the only one you have.
If you can't change your circumstances, change your attitude.
Smile even if you don't feel like it, it WILL make you feel better.
Never under estimate the power of your thoughts, we truly are what we think.
There are more important things in life than work, if you work like a slave for a company you will be treated like a slave, nobody is going to pat you on the back for working late or coming in early, they are going to start expecting it.
Happiness = reality - expectation, it's the only math that makes sense to me. Like assumption, expectation is the Mother of all Fuckups.
Meditate, as often as you can, it's not weird, it's necessary. If prayer is you talking to God, meditation is listening.
Marriage is not like in the movies, it's hard, sometimes you will want to leave, don't do that until you have tried everything to make it work (unless of course there is abuse, then go don't even hesitate go, you deserve better).
Don't get married in a rush, it doesn't matter how in love you think you are, and wait until you have babies for at least a year.
It's OK to retreat sometimes and disappear into the background, those that love you will understand.
Never be unnecessarily mean to strangers, you never know where you will run into them again, like the interview for that job you really really want ...
Always act with integrity
Always be honest
Recycle and eat less red meat, we only have one planet, respect it.
When you are wrong apologize and move on, don't mope
Do not do the duckface in photos, it's stupid
Tomorrow will take care of itself, you worry about what you are doing now.
33 Candles all alight WILL melt the icing on the cake.

It's my Happy Birthday!

2010-07-08T11:28:00.000+02:00

And I'm feeling very special and loved today.

I wish to never loose my sense of wonder

PS: not me in the photo LOL!

Ag who am I kidding?!

2010-07-07T09:31:00.001+02:00

Every year in the days preceding my birthday I tell myself. Ag it's just another day - no biggie. But secretly I'm as delighted and excited as any 4 year old. I want chocolate cake with caramel, balloons, sparkly things, the people that I love around me, some champagne would be nice and lots of presents.

Coz lets face it, the BEST thing about birthdays are the presents and the loads of attention being your special day. The day you first said WHAA in the world, and your Mom adoringly looked at you and thought that you were the most special, most beautiful, cleverest and awesomest baby in the whole wide world.

Some people turn out exactly as their Mom's pictured them on that day. And some people (points to self) made some detours along the way and gave their parents plenty of grey hairs and sleepless nights. I think my parents should also celebrate and be awarded for not eating their young haha!

I don't have issues with getting older, it is inevitable isn't it. I feel that the best thing I can do for me is to learn as much as I possibly can every minute that I'm alive. Also I don't want to come back and do the same crap again in another life! Through all the ups and downs of life and all the obstacles we face, the only thing we can do is learn from them. And hopefully I will one day be a serene and wise old lady.

There are still many things I would like to do, some of them I would've liked to achieve by age 33 but nou ja, no use in lamenting the could have's and should have's. I'm excited to see where life will take me this year! Thanks for sharing my journey with me. And buy me presents!

PS: My birthday is tomorrow ♥

Not much to say

2010-07-06T21:02:00.001+02:00

I haven't blogged since Friday well because I didn't have much interesting to say. The most interesting thing in my life at the moment is trying to get Christian to not pee in his bed.

What is up with that by the way? Is it a boy thing? I did not have THIS much issues and effort with Lila and bed wetting. I take Christian to the toilet at least 3 times a night and then he still wets the bed. I can't keep up with all the linen and pajama washing. I don't know what else to do besides waking up every couple of hours and take him to the loo. I swear he drinks the bathwater on the sly! How can someone that little produce that much bodily fluids?! The mind boggles!

The kids came back on Friday from their 10 day trip to the coast with their Granny. They had the best time! And was full of stories about shell collecting, swimming in the sea, playing on the beach and riding on the train. They had a real adventure. So we spent most of the weekend at home spending time together. It was lovely!

Oh! I did do something interesting! I started my first yoga class on Saturday. It was absolutely awesome! My yoga instructor is named Aumji (how cool is that?!) and we had our class in the botanical garden right between the water features. Since I last did yoga properly about 8 years ago I did warn Aumji that I am very stiff and since I was born with a broomstick up my ass it does take extremely long for me to become flexible enough to even touch my toes. I don't think he took me seriously until he actually witnessed the stiffness that is me. I really am one of those people who are not naturally flexible and I really was born like that haha. I was never one of those kids who could bend into funny positions or put their hands flat on the floor when bending down. It took me almost a year way back when I still did yoga at least once a week to be able to touch my toes. So lets see how this time around goes.

Oh and just incase you all forgot - it's my birthday on Thursday. The 8th of July. I like sparkly things.

A weighty issue...

2010-07-02T08:33:00.001+02:00

For as long as I've lived I have never had any body issues. Ever. I've never been on a diet, I've never been over weight (I've been UNDER weight), I've been fit and healthy. No issues. What. So. Ever. Well! Yesterday I accidentally weighed myself (on someone else's scale I don't own one), and uhm let me see - oh yes that's right, the last time I weighed SIXTY THREE and a HALF KILOGRAMS was when I was 6 months PREGNANT. I am not pregnant now, I'm just FAT.

OK I'm not really fat, in fact I like the little bit of extra weigh, I was skeletal at one point and I really struggled to put a bit of weight on my bones. And people who are bigger than me would probably scoff at me right now and think to themselves that I have no idea what it's like to be fat and have body issues and that's fine. But for me it's bad, I wobble everywhere, my stomach spills over my pants (can you say muffin top) and my thighs look like dimply tree stumps, I'm not even going to talk about my ass. I am slightly mad that I have let myself get this way. The fact that I am pms'ing may also make me a bit more hysterical than usual but that is besides the point...

I used to go to Taebo classes at least 3 times a week, yoga once a week. I hiked and cycled. I was fit and toned. For the past 7 years I have done NOTHING, zero, zip, nada, boggerol. No wonder I feel and look the way I do. And I swear if the Husband tells me ONE MORE TIME how "hot" I am and how good my body looks I WILL stick a fork in his eye. I can't put my shoes on when my jeans are fastened because they are too tight, seriously, don't tell me it's fine because it's not.

I really can't afford gym or classes on my salary and besides classes are really expensive and then you only get to go once a week or something stupid (feel free to let me know your affordable places to go to in the comments), and the Husband is not going to pay for me to go to gym or classes. So I am going to have to change my mind set about excercising, see I LIKE going to gym/classes it motivates me to push myself harder. But since I can't afford it, I'm going to have to start exercising at home, I'm thinking a good work out dvd and one of those giant ball things. And see if I can't maybe find an affordable yoga class that I can go to once a week.

I got myself looking like this and only I can change it.

Let the games begin!!

Love Sonnet XVII - Pablo Neruda

2010-07-01T08:22:00.000+02:00

I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

The Beast Within

2010-06-30T19:58:00.001+02:00

Besides from the occasional bouts of I don't know what I slip into I also have the monthly demon I have to deal with. For most of the month I am a normal functioning human being - well normal is a relative term - functioning human being, I am rational and my voice does not have an hysterical sounding edge to it when I speak. But there comes a time of the month when the Beast comes out to play. Sometimes I manage to keep the Beast locked in his box, sometimes I keep him in the box and he just snarls through the opening in the lid, sometimes the lid comes off completely and he comes out in all his glory.

I first noticed the arrival of the Beast a couple of days ago, when I managed to slightly over react and may have shouted at the Husband a little. While the alleged incident was taking place the Husband said to me "you see! PMS, that is the only reason you are shouting". I said "I don't have PMS, I'm shouting because you are PISSSSINGGG ME OOOOOFFFFF, no other reason". Ha in your eye! When the alleged incident was over I did have a peek on my calendar and noticed that it may ever so slightly be PMS aka the Beast.

When I woke up this morning I decided that I would just have a quiet day. Keep to myself and all that. It's safer for everyone especially me. Besides from being completely irrational when the Beast takes over, I also become over-sensitive to the extreme so I take absolutely everything extremely personally and become even more insecure. So I either become mental or I cry hysterically. So I shut the f*ck up, sit in the corner and try to avoid as much as possible. Instead I went on an OCD research spree into ethical products and cosmetics, research is good for me OK, it helps me focus the Beast on something constructive. Now the Husband, idiot that he is, intentionally provokes me. Honestly who pokes a raging mad thing with a stick? Seriously. He said something along the lines of "How is testing on animals bad?" that made me get heart palpitations and want to stick him in the eye with a fork. Seriously. But he does it on purpose because he KNOWS it will make me cross. I don't understand why would you do that to someone?

I wonder who I can petition to have a law passed that woman who suffer from PMS be allowed to stay at home for that week. Seriously when I'm like this I should not be left out the house. I get SO angry in traffic that I literally get heart palpitations, I am not even embellishing the truth slightly. I have these vivid flights of fantasy where I calmly ram my car into the asshole who just cut infront of me. Luckily for everyone else my car broke down for 15 minutes and focused my attention on it rather than the assholes who drive like assholes.

Then I got home to the Husband who has Bronchitis, oh my fuck spare me the frikkin drama. This morning he was fine, and the people at work managed to convince him that he is deathly ill, went to the doctor and seriously doctors will tell you exactly what you want to hear. So now we have Bronchitis. Then he proceeded to complain about the dog who just peed along the entire length of the bedroom wall. And then we had another screaming match. Seriously, don't make your problems mine, you wanted the dog, you deal with it. I'm done. Finished. You know what to do. Do it! I do not want to hear about it.

It takes every inch of restraint I have to not loose it at work, to get through the day without poking someone in the eye with my pen or embedding a stapler in their skull or telling a client to "Have a lovely day and fuck the hell off", I smile and I try my hardest to disguise the edge in my voice. So when I get home I just want to feel safe and nurtured, I don't want to be poked and prodded at and intentionally provoked. I want love and maybe a hug and then I want to be left alone. I really have no control over this. I know I'm being irrational, but there is nothing I can do to stop it. This time of the month is very hard on me emotionally and physically and there is nothing else to do but go through it. Some months are better than others. But I always at some point silently scream "what is wrong with me" and wonder if I should be on some kind of medication.

Anyway *sigh*

I read two amazingly interesting blog posts today by the fabulous Wenchy and The Reluctant Mom that hit me like a ton of bricks. But I'm not ready to delve into that yet. I think I need to think about it some more. I just wanted to say that. They both write so beautifully and use beautifully descriptive words and have well structured posts. I have "fuck" and "asshole" and my thoughts jump a lot, not the most original words or pulitzer price winning writing but it brings the point across. Who decided that "fuck" is a bad word anyways, it's way more expressive than "oh bother" ...

The future depends on what we do in the present. - Mahatma Gandhi

2010-06-30T09:32:00.001+02:00

I remember as a little kid, spending hours in the veld, finding small animals and plants that I don't know and rushing to the library (no internet) to find books so that I could learn their names and what they do. I remember my Dad showing me cool things and spending hours with us when vacationing at the coast in the rock pools showing us the anemones and other cool sea creatures.

I remember being absolutely awed, fascinated and excited learning about the eco-system - the circle of life - I was absolutely delighted. And looking back, even at that early age, as a wide eyed eager young girl I understood on some deep level that we are all connected. I grew up next to the Vaal River, with plenty of wide open spaces to explore and nature has always been my sanctuary, whenever life got to much for me I took a walk through the veld or sat next to the river and recharged.

The abuse of the Earth is something that has always distressed me deeply from a very young age, I have never found someone that understood that. I cry real sad tears, it hurts me on a very deep level. I get angry, I get sad, I feel exasperated. I don't understand how people do not care, how people can be so indifferent about the Earth and her creatures and their fellow humans. Maybe this is where my "I have to save the world" complex began, trying to save everyone and fix everything. I know that I can't save the world or even one single human as everyone has their own path to walk so I have learned that the best I can do with humans is to just be there for them in whatever way I can when they do cross my path. But this post is about the Earth - and we can do something about that.

Recently there was a huge oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. Hundreds of animals are dead the coastline is destroyed, the waters contaminated. A lot of focus has been placed on this particular spill, but thanks to my very informed friend "L" I have learned that oil spills to that magnitude is common in country's like Nigeria, Ghana and along the Ivory Coast,where there are no laws that regulate it or that forces the oil giants to clean up their mess, and it's not only BP.

It makes me feel panicky inside, it really does, I feel sad and angry. There are very enlightened much wiser people who are all light years ahead of me in what they do for the Earth and creating awareness about environmental issues than me telling me that I shouldn't worry, I mustn't be angry or sad. Everything will be ok. But I can't just be indifferent. I am really struggling to get to grips with not showing any emotion about the abuse in all forms of the Earth. Don't get me wrong I'm far from perfect. But in my small way I always try to do my bit, I recycle, I switch off, create awareness of issues and causes, don't eat meat etc. But I can't just stand by emotionless and indifferent and say to myself everything will be ok.

I can't/won't have no emotion about our oceans being polluted with oil, about toxic waste being buried in the deserts and pumped into rivers and the ocean, about humans tunneling through the earth hollowing her out on the inside, rain forests being destroyed 100 year old trees being chopped down, the massive scale of abuse of animals for human consumption, the genetic modification to mass produce vegetables and fruit for the massive demand of human appetites, soil being depleted of all minerals, poisons that are used for pest control that wipe out all kinds of other creatures, we pump all kinds of gasses into the air. We are destroying the earth. Don't know if anyone noticed but it's the only one we have.......

I don't know why it affects me on such a deep level but it does. How long can this way of life carry on? At some point there has to be a collapse of this system based on greed and lining someone's pockets with billions of dollars. I don't know when that will happen, there are many prophecies about such a time. I don't know what will happen, but I do know that at some point balance will have to be restored. At some point a change will be forced upon the human race. In the meantime we can all do our bit in our small way to minimise the effect we as individuals have on the earth, take care of her.

Be the change you want to see in the world - Mahatma Gandhi

“The world is not dangerous because of those who do harm but because of those who look at it without doing anything” ~ Albert Einstein

A tired post

2010-06-29T10:04:00.001+02:00

Today I woke up tired and I still look like someone punched me in the eye (I have these black/blue circles under my eyes - not ayoba!). The Husband has this annoyingly irritating cough - you know the ones doctors call "unproductive". It certainly produces a lot of irritation for something that is unproductive.....Anyways the cough woke me up sometime in the early hours of the morning, I have no idea what time it was. I don't look at my watch when I wake up at night, but there was 1 lonely bird chirping and the old lady next door who hates me because I won't cut down my trees, apparently has a sleeping problem also because she was smoking on the stoep just on the other side of the wall right next to my bedroom and I could smell the cigarette smoke *vomit*, seriously, also not ayoba (yes I'm one of THOSE ex smokers).

So instead of killing the 1 lonely chirping bird and shouting at the old lady next door who hates me because I won't cut down my trees, I put the pillow over my head and turned around, listened to my breathing and fell back to sleep......only to be woken by my very own "unproductive" cough. Seriously *sigh* When the alarm clock eventually went off, I already thought of a list of excuses why I had to stay at home. But alas I dragged my ass, my blue circles and my unproductive cough out of bed and got dressed. So dilligent.

Now if only I could be that dedicated to other things in life. I have loads of awesome ideas and I am very good at putting them into action. But as soon as everything works and is in place, I loose interest and move on to the next thing. It was one of the reasons I was in two minds starting this blog, I know myself, I start off with gusto and then slowly my interest fizzles out...so far so good right. I actually do find it therapeutic, getting things out of my head.

It's a really grey, miserable day today.

So instead of focusing on the grey and the miserable, I will focus on things that make me happy. Like it's only 3 sleeps till the kids come home, they will be back on Friday. It's little Boo's 1 month day, she is a whole month old. Little Boo is my BFF's brand new baby, she is adorable! I'm meeting my other friend for coffee after work, she recently found out she is pregnant, so cool! The tooth whitening tooth paste we bought really works LOL! Ok now it sounds like I'm reaching a bit hey, so before I start babbling nonsense ciao for now xxx

Eeni Meeni Miny Mo

2010-06-28T12:52:00.000+02:00

Is it only me? Whenever I have to decide between two things and I really can't decide and am not partial to the one or the other, I go:

"Eeny meeny miny mo, catch a monkey by it's toe, if you catch him let him go, eeny meeny miny mo"

And where I stop that is the one I choose. It only works if you have to choose between two things though ... but hey it works. And it doesn't help you cheat and go with the thing you didn't stop on.

Today chip roll won over veg curry and rice. Yum. I'm going to get a huge ass from all the chip rolls I've been eating lately.....

Things I have NEVER done/experienced

2010-06-28T12:48:00.002+02:00

I've been thinking lots about my list of never dones recently so I thought I'd make a list and then cross the things off as I do/experience them and I will ad to it as I think of more:

I have NEVER been to Gold Reef City or the Apartheid museum
I haven't visited Soweto yet and ate in a real shebeen
I have never bungee jumped
I have never had a surprise party
I have never been out of Africa
I have never studied (it's my dream to study psychology and holistic healing)
I have never scuba dived/dived
I have only been to Cape Town once in my life for a couple of hours, so I would love to go again
I have never owned a car that was registered in my name
I have never been 33
I have never had a Cinnabon
I have never had high tea at the Westcliff
I have never stayed in a log cabin with it's own fireplace and a jacuzzi
I have never done a group meditation
I have never been to a spa
I have never had a mani/pedi
I have never had a facial
I have never learned to speak Spanish/Japanese

......to be continued

How do I love thee

2010-06-28T11:20:00.000+02:00

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth
and breadth, and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight.
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion
put to use In my old griefs,
and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,
I love thee with the breath, Smiles, tears,
of all my life!
and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

*sigh* I love that poem by Elizabeth Barret Browning. It always conjures the most romantic images of Knights in Shining Armour rescuing damsels in distress. I picture a couple who against all odds survive all life's challenges together and speak to each other with tenderness and love, who respect each other and pine for each other when seperated. Old and wrinkled still hold hands and smile lovingly at each other.

*crickets*

Yes well we all know that real life doesn't work that way right. Love comes in many shapes, forms and sizes. Boys can love boys, girls can love girls, or boys and girls can love girls and boys. We love people who are no good for us, we love friends, family, people we have never met, our children, our pets, causes we believe in. We love food, alcohol, sometimes drugs, we love things, places and often drama. Sometimes we shut ourselves down emotionally and we forgot to love or feel loved.

Is love a concept that we use too loosely? What defines love and do you believe in the kind of love like in the poem? I believe that we can love lots of things and people at the same time in very different ways. I believe that sometimes we can un-love someone and then learn to love them again. I used to be very black and white on the topic, if I "stopped" loving you, I walked away, never to return or look back. But I have learned that ultimately we can't stop loving someone, in any way,ever. And that we need to remember to love ourselves, we can't feel loved or give love if we don't start with us, if you don't love yourself.

Most of all I believe that love isn't complicated at all. It just is.

The Adventures of Temporarily Kidless Moonchild aka Wollie

2010-06-27T19:55:00.000+02:00

It's great being kidless - now before you lift your eyebrows and scoff at me and murmur about what a horrible parent I am, let me just make it clear that I have had many small cries over missing my kids this week. I miss them something cronic. BUT it is really nice to be able to do things just the two of us, adult things.

We met Laura and her other half at a very yuppy'ish cocktail lounge yesterday for drinks it was DEVINE!!! There was couple there with their 2 year old. The poor child was screaming her head off most of the time and was continually put in her pram or the trolley. I would also have screamed my head off if I wasn't allowed to do anything. None of us could understand why the parents don't just give up and go home, I felt really sorry for the poor kid shame man.

After drinks we met my brother in law and his girlfriend for drinks and to watch the Ghana vs USA game! We almost got into a real life bar brawl. The evening was epic!!!! There were these people there that supported USA, you know there always has to be 1, those kinds of people who refuse to see the positive about South Africa/Africa refuses to support their own country/continent and refuses to see any of the positive things happening and who is always moaning about everything and who are definitely looking into moving to Australia. Those (we shall call them the schmucks). Anyways we all had a great time, I had ~~9 Gin and dry lemons~~ a few drinks and chatted to this guy who is moving to Australia because he is marrying an Aussie girl, they decided to live there. And I learned that sometimes we give up a lot in the name of love, sometimes maybe too much.

In the epic extra extra time when Ghana was 2 - 1 ahead, the whole bar was on their feet cheering Ghana on. One of the Ghaneyans (?) fell down, so one of the Schmucks shouted "send him off ref he has AIDS". What a doos, anyways my brother in law lost it with the guy and lunged over the tables and grabbed him and shouted at him about being a racist ass etc etc. It took a lot of nice talk to calm him down and the Schmuck was thankfully quiet after that - ass.

Today I got to sleep in, it was lovely! We got ready and went out shopping and then went to join all the blogger ladies for the Ladies on Lunch event. I had a small visit with my BFF and got to give her her long overdue birthday pressie (I miss her too much she lives too far away!), cuddle her most cute and most tiny little newborn and got to meet the fabulous Wenchy. I had an awesome sushi lunch and bought some lovely balt salts from Tranquil Body Treats. I just had a lovely soak in their Lavender bath salt and can highly recommend it, it's LOVELY!!!.

ALSO in between all of that made some gorgeous tiny Angel/Fairy handbad/keyring bling, I didn't take pics, I know, very silly! But they are gorgeous and I gave them all away :) I love giving things to people! Now I am off to schmooze my hubby into making me a cheese and tomato toasted sandwhich. Toodles xxx

From Near the Moon

Time to move

Forward and onward!

This, that and the other

The White Picket Fence Myth

Everything happens for a reason

My heart has wings

Having a moment

Arb post

Relationships

I want to know

Oh! How I love todays!

Flying

It's in the silence

Denial is a river in Egypt..

Leap!

Fighting

On my own

Fuzzy bunnies and rainbows

What defines you.

Interview

Drifting

New Look and Lucky day

The great Self Tan Experiment of 2010

Pretty Please!

I am mad

Focus Pinky Focus!!

Some days you just want to eat chocolate

Breathe Me

Year End Blues

If you can't speak geek

I have a dream

Overwhelmed

I am

Oh my Goodness

Pole dancing

Stuck in a rut

Private or not private

My ideal job

The Art of Receiving

Randomness

Walk with me

What's the use of having a mind if you can't change it

My thoughts today..

What's what!

Death and dying

Much about nothing

I need to

Why do we shout when angry?

Pigspotter

Santa Shoebox Project

Stop driving like assholes

Facebook

Anxious

You can't lie about murders - Mthethwa

Excuse me, sir, But is this what they call denial

It went so well!

Does "Mother" equal "Martyr"?

The Best Average

My kop raas

Long time

Songs in my head

The Therapist

Chaos

So far so good

Fields of Flowers

What a morning

45 Questions for people who live in the real world

OK no more talk

Ink

*wipes sweat from brow*

Horton hears a whaaat?

I'm doing it again

I crossed over today

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~ Anaïs Nin

Disappointed ...

Alert

To breed or not to breed

My new venture!

Believe

wipes sweat from brow